bop, bop, bop.
today was day two of that weird "i have absolutely nothing to do and therefore can do whatever i please" feeling.... =3
probably feeling off-kilter from not working yesterday.
becca g texted karen and i if we were free on thursday to just hang out....????
this bothers me, and karen ripped into me when i started explaining why to her, so i'll just leave her out of it.
For one, we're talking about some chick who has a million other things to do rather than waste time "getting to know" people like me who want to just slip through the cracks because our time in this hell hole is coming to a close.
and even more awkward is the fact that i know she will be with us, solely to see what we are like. which isn't accurate, on my part, because i am a COMPLETELY different person around my sister and other people in public. having karen there only complicates things, because when she's around i tend to shy-up because i know if i don't i'll only a) make myself look stupid, b) make the situation worse for the other person/people, or c) have my feelings hurt even worse. or all of the above.
so. not really looking forward to it..............
it seems so superficial. *big sigh* it more than likely harks back to me being too shy to get to know people at OC in the first place.... but alas, refer to what i said two paragraphs ago.
problem becomes, how, if ever, do i manage to remedy this situation? I don't want to be babied into it like i have so many times in the past, and felt like a fool for it.
always the sister. stare simply no other way around it than to say that having her around is a burden, especially when she tells me to fix the burden.
*has a wild idea to quit On-Call* ... not like it would be the end of the world if I did quit. heck, they've gone on for years without me; to me, i'm just a burden they have to lug around because they felt obligated to let the sister of the star's girlfriend into the group. that's the feeling i've had since the first time i walked into the warehouse for rehearsal. i'm useless there.
it's a sad day indeed when you say that you're not important, and someone else agrees, even if jokingly. even if for a few minutes afterward they try to come up with with BS excuse why we really WERE needed, you get the feeling..........
it all amounts to nothing in the end.
this world is full of smoke and mirrors and superficiality by people who really have no reason to be such, except that they are that way because of human nature.
i've played this game before. i know the moves.
i know what people think when i do what i do. i know how i can hurt, can irritate, can be nothing to other people's lives.
but i also know that because of that i am mocked beyond all reason, looked down on even by the younger grades. you can give me friendly looks out of sympathy that i'm not "normal", but i can read you. you think i'm ugly ("how can she possibly think of getting a date?" wink , socially inept (*awkward laugh at a vague joke i made when i wasn't thinking*), and because of that you just don't want to be seen with me.
can't wait to get out of here. just pack up and leave this dump, and the people in it.
..... don't you see why I don't like On-Call that much? that entire spheal, just from that one thought. sorry to say, that's just the tip of the iceberg, and it only gets more self-sympathetic as it goes deeper...... all that and some print-off chords, and you've got yourself a regular saturday night rehearsal.
do you know how hard it is to have hope with thoughts like that constantly plaguing your mind as you try, simultaneously, to defeat those thoughts? logic speaks loud and clear, yet what am i doing but quietly trying to butt my way into someone elses' life.... much less someone who this time next year won't remember i even existed, and won't remember my name, and i won't remember them, either.
what, my dear, is the point?
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just watch me.
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