Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

yup.

so today was good-ish..... i guess. *shrugs*

that is, until you discount the fact that
1. i started my day with a minor meltdown
2. my psychology final project is s**t
3. i wrecked something YET AGAIN at work
4. i had to stop on the side of the road for a good 10 minutes after work to have a major meltdown.

for absolutely no good reason. =l *shrugs* just a bunch of stuff compounded together, all i felt was the need to release it.


think part of it was realizing that a part of me died when nick left.... i'd never gotten that close to a guy before, and even though i think i eventually fell for him (a bit... hah) i wanted him and krin to get together.

which leads to the fact that yesterday after school krin told me that she really DID like nick. and to think that he'd been pining after her for so long, and..... *frustrated* i have a feeling this is my fault. everything is, these days....


no wonder he needed a moment when i told him about krin.


i have a feeling i shouldn't have told him, but i think that he wanted to know. I wanted to know. Now we all have to live with it the rest of our damn lives.


& i'm still freaking out about work, and how unorganized i feel. and why i'm stressing out over NOT stressing out that much about finals.......


not fun.


imagine a feeling of something bigger than yourself wanting to get out, and you want to scream, to sob, to get it out somehow because it hurts that much. you lay your head on the quietly vibrating steering wheel, hearing the engine purring. the full moon basks you in light; it feels like you're in an ocean of white, just a tiny little boat in the big waves of the unforgiving world. but then, your sight starts to blur. you can feel the hot tears wanting to come out, but none come unless you squeeze your eyes shut tight against the world. soon, the tears are flowing, and you're sitting there with your head in your hands, trying to wipe away the wetness coming from your eyes with the fingertips of your gloves. your gloves are getting colder, and there aren't any more dry spots on which to clear away the evidence of the episode. you begin to wonder how stupid you must look and sound, sitting in the middle of a country road sobbing your heart out.

the sobs subside; the last of the tears are being dried with the wrists of your scratchy gloves. you sit there for a few minutes, trying to catch your breath and re-evaluate the situation. you curse your tear ducts, because now you can't breathe out of your nose. just to be certain, you also stay a few seconds longer than you ought to so your eyes aren't so red like they were that morning, when a certain song played on the radio and the tears started rolling before you knew what else to do. You think about the night. it felt like it had gone on forever. you are tired, and getting another headache.

but, you take one last deep breath, and put the car in drive. you keep the radio turned off; it's playing one of your least favorite songs, anyways. plus, you had half a mile to regain your composition. when you pull on the yard and get out to open the garage door, you pause for a few seconds. facing the door, you let it all go, or try to, at least. the cold is bitter, but at the moment, it encourages you to keep going and cope with reality. You still don't really know what the pain was that made you sob, but there isn't really time to think about it. you are beyond confused, and while you know how nice it would be to have your feelings in order, it's also kind of pleasant to have chaos once again. to not know is to have something to think about when you don't want to think about anything else.

the garage door opens with a resounding clatter. you note the frozen clumps of ice you kicked out of the way that morning. then you trot back to your car, now uncomfortable to move in the cold. you drive it in, turn it off, take one last inventory to make sure of everything, get your backpack (why is it so heavy? the semester is almost over...), and walk to the house after shutting the garage door again. Ox is there; he looks cold. you pet him, and mount the steps. one last deep breath, and nothing ever happened. your brother is watching a movie on TV, and the rest of your family is milling around someplace else. Your mom walks into the kitchen. as far as she'll ever know, you're only acting a little peculiar because you complain of another headache and not getting any food since lunch. time to wait for tomorrow to come...... no doubt it will be exactly like it is today.


life goes on. it's time to wake up from the dream.