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is it so bad to want to be left alone? no it's not but at the same time i want so much company. I feel alone right now and yet i have so many ppl i can talk to about things.

I fell so far but am I in the deep end now? No i do not think i am in the deep end. I think i am just in the middle. no feeling at all. not depressed not happy. Nothing at all.

Is my life as bad as i make it out to be? well when i think about it no so then i shut up about my life. But then when i let out some of my feelings ppl say my life is horrible. my friends do at least.

Should i see a consouler? No. I hate them to no end. I don't even like them a little. I don't like telling my feelings to someone i don't know face-to-face. It is just creepy and annoying b/c they can get some much out of me and i don't like that.

Does my dad hate me? I don't know. Deep in my heart i have a fear that he does but also i don't think he hates me. He just sometimes has his moments i guess.

Am I losing my friends? Well i am losing one to this b***h named Lauren. I hate her and i can't stand her one bit. She complains much more than i ever could. She acts like her life is the worst. BUT SHE NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT THE STARVING CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her life is much better than theirs. She acts all sappy b/c he dad ignores her but what she doesn't even try to comprehend is that my parents ignore me too. both of them and that my other friend hasn't even seen her dad for a year. so she just needs to suck it up and quit crying. *sighs* i am so glad i got that off my chest.

do my friends really listen? Yes most of them but it is hard for them to find soulutions to my problems. my friend gets sad b/c sometimes she wants to cheer me up but she can't b/c sometimes i go into these depressive modes and nothing can cheer me up.

Do i fake my happiness to much? I don't think so. I hate the attention given to ppl who cry b/c they hate their life. so i just suck it up and act happy for others. I also hate ppl trying to comfort me when i am down. (that is not the point of this whole thing)

Do i complain? I think i do. My friends think otherwise. I hate telling my feelings but i love helping ppl with theirs. But then i get piled up with all these problms and i never tell anyone that i need help sorting them out. so I just deal with the wieght of it all.

Well i am glad i got all that off my chest to anyone who reads these things. Plz if you wanna comment feel free to.