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But I can't change the things I've done.


I had reserved this for curly sam-likenesses, but that will wait for my next day off- tuesday.

Today I'm just going to talk about everything I referenced in the last journal entry.

Firstly, the pain killer addiction. Hokay. It wasn't a massive addiction, it could've been way worse and was not lethal by any standard. Technicallt speaking, it doesn't have to harm you for you to be addicted to it.

The addiction actually spread from withdrawl from another addiction, which I think MANY people have - soda.

I drank soda a lot, back in the day. Soda was like, my prime drink. I drank it every day and guzzled it down all the time.

Then one day, I was at a 7-hour D&D meeting. In the last hour of that, I went and bought a 12pack of some soda. I forget what.

Regardless, I drank all of it. At the same time.
The stuff that happened afterward was not fun.

I was shaking, bugging out, I couldn't get to sleep, I was cramping up, it felt like my bones were extremely dry and brittle, I was nauseous and hanging over the toilet. And when I wasn't hanging over the toilet, I was sitting on it having the worst diarrhea imaginable(to my standards).

I guzzled pepto bismol and went cold turkey after that. It's been going well. I only drink soda when there's no water, and if I do drink soda, it's limited to caffiene free s**t, like sprite and Root Beer. Although occationally I allow myself some awesome caffiene-filled Barqs. Which is the only good canned rootbeer.
(not to be confused with the AWESOME bottled root beers).

I've gone cold turkey on a lot of things because of stupid s**t I pulled. Or s**t that happened to my body. I got food poisoning at elementary school. Let me tell you, when you "think" you have food poisoning, you don't have it. When you get food poisoning, you KNOW.

Throwing up every hour on the hour, high fever, horrible neusea. Oh yeah. Food poisoning. Lasted 48 hours. I threw up 48 times. Fun stuff.

Anyway, when I got home from school, I went over to my friends house, and the last thing I had before I threw up the first time was Fanta. It had JUST come out back then.

... I've never even TOUCHED a fanta since.

Same thing with my kidney infection. Last thing I ate was trail mix. Never touched it again. The meds I was on after the infection got put in apple sauce. I hate apple sauce. It was also put in chocolate pudding, and vanilla ice cream. I stomach pudding, but it still tastes like those damn pills. I don't eat vanilla ice cream.

I can't remember what happened with whipped cream, but I hate that too.

But back to the painkillers.

Because I went cold turkey with the soda, I started getting really bad headaches from caffiene withdrawl. Back then I was really afraid of pain, because of the kidney infection thing.
I thought any type of pain would render me immobile again. When you're like. Seven. And you really really hope somebody kills you so you can move, or breathe, without crying and being literally paralyzed by pain, I wouldn't blame them for being afraid of it, either.

So I started taking pain killers for the headaches. Guess what's in most OTC painkillers? Caffiene. The withdrawl from caffiene(thus the headaches) got so bad that there was never a time I was OFF the pain killers. I took them to school and went to the clinic regularly to get them. As soon as it wore off, BAM, there I was again, asking for another.

When I got my period, I'd stay home from school and swallow a bunch of pills because it "hurt so bad".
When I ran out of pills, which was often since I was taking like 3 - 5 a day, I would force others to give me their's.

That was how it went for two years. I'm not sure why my mom didn't think it was a problem. And I'm honestly not sure how or why I quit taking the pills.

So that was my painkiller addiction.

I've been avoiding pretty much every type of medicine since.
Pepto bismol, painkillers, cough drops. Everything.

It's all bad for you, anyway. Look it up. Especially vaccines and anti-bacterial stuff. That s**t weakens your immune system. So if you get an illness, and don't have medicine, your body's less likely to fight it on it's own.

That's why when I get a cold, it's a relatively simple code(just sneezing and headaches) for two weeks because I don't take anything for it, and a normal person's cold is a reallly bad cold for like a day while the stock up on like 5 different things to immobilize the symptoms.

When I get older, I'm thinking of the benefits... Less money spent on pharmecuticals. I don't plan on getting health or life insurance.

Anyway. Onward to the other crap I referenced.

Girls crying about s**t.

Are you an only child? Well, if you are, you know nothing about social gender stigma. So shut up.
If you're one of two or more kids of different sexes, then you know what I'm talking about.

Society really sucks when it comes to sexes.
Women do all the work, and men get the food. Men are the warriors, women are the caretakers, childbearers. A woman is no good unless she can have a healthy baby and raise it. More than once.

With this in mind, it's painfully apparent that a healthy woman needs to be taken care of so she can still bare children. If she's not taken care of, a potentially good supporter of the population may be lost.

This is why we open doors for them, we pay for their dinners, we do meanial things FOR them, to make them feel wanted.
But, when push comes to shove, it's they who feed us, clothe us, clean us. While we get the money. We hunt the food.

It is why when girls get a wound, they cry, and that gets them attention. If a girl cries, people stop to look. If a girl cries, they ask what is wrong, and take care of her.

It is wrong to slap or hit a girl because you may damage their importance to the population.

Men. There are 10x more men than females in just about any population of living being. They can be sacrificed, they are not precious. When a boy cries, he is slapped and told to act like a man. When a boy cries, people ignore it as if it is not happening.
A boy is expected to get hurt and have fun. A boy is expected to bare the pain with a smile on his face and mirth in his step as he goes "That was nothing."

Men are expected to take every hit. Men are expected to protect women. It was ingrained into men since their childhood youth that to be a man they cannot cry, cannot show pain.

Women, on the other hand, have been subconciously taught that crying brings attention and protection. They have been taught to be interdependant instead of independant like men. A woman cannot fend for herself, she doesn't hunt, she has to take care of the children.

Women = kitchen, men = workplace.

That is the end of the discussion. That is how life is.
It may be slowly changing in this day and age, but it is still there, and there is no denying it.

My mom.

I mentioned about her walking and talking last entry.

My mom walks with the heels of her feet. So even when she normally walks, it's a resounding "thump" throughout the whole house. When I walk, I don't make any sound. So when she walks, even in bare feet, and I can tell where she is based on that, it really annoys you.
Sometimes I wish I could chop her feet off.

I only mentioned her walking one time to someone else. Who happens to be OCD. She's my mom's boss and close friend. She said she hated it, too.

And then there's my mom's voice. I guess it's a normal voice, but it carries over. I mean, I dislike it. It's annoying for some reason. My voice reminds me of her's, so my voice annoys me too. To this day, I don't know what my real voice is like, because I keep changing it.

I think pre-school through maybe third grade, I was keeping the voice I was born with. From then on I started training myself to sound deeper and raspier. Now that I'm out of highschool, my throat is really really trying to not work so hard, and the constant strain it goes through trying to maintain my tenor voice is probably why my vioce has begun to crack a lot. And I mean it cracks a LOT.
I can't yell, or scream, or project my voice any more because it physically hurts, and when I do, it comes out different every time. It sounds weird.

But back to my mom.
It carries. When she talks normally I can hear every second of her conversation. No matter where I am in the house.

I hate that. I ask her to talk softer and she does, but I still hear every word.
To try and drown her out I turn whatever I'm listening to up, and she complains to me, or starts talking louder.

I hate it so much.

I am a loner figure. I really like... Being alone. I like.. Not talking. I like.. Body language. I like looking at things. I like. Trees. And the sky. And bodies of water.
And I like staring at them for stupidly long periods of time, thinking it will be the last time I see them.

I'm stupid. I'm a stupid, stupid person, because the way I handle things is so screwed up. My normal parents messed up when they had me. My brother messed up when he ******** lost it, and now, instead of being where I really wish I could be, doing what I wish I could do, I am staring at a computer screen typing all my s**t so I don't have to talk.

There are times I love it. I love that I get so much attention here, I love that I have friends here, and that there's no voice. That it's quiet.
But I hate it every day at the same time because... I have to listen to all the household things, and I have to listen to my mom walk and talk and complain, and I'm not outside.

I was much better when I was 11. I wish I were 11 again.

11, by myself, camping with someone else who thinks the same screwed up ways I do.

It's proven that kids go through a rebel phase where they want to be seperate from their parents and do everything they can o abuse/anger them, yet secretly want to be accepted by them.

I don't care about my parents. To be honest, I don't care if they accepted me or not, died or not, won the lottery or not.

Even if they were the richest bastards in the world and wanted ot give me all their money on the stipulation that I had to be with them for a signifigant amount of my life, I wouldn't do it.

Because I do not like being with them.

I never had the rebel phase. I had the wanting to be accepted by them phase, I had the being scared to death of them phase, and I had the family counseling phase, and the hoping to god they divorced phase, and the really wishing I could run away phase, but I never had the rebel phase. And I never went out and did drugs or smoked or drank behind their backs.

I missed out on so much s**t because I'm so shut in, and now I'm 18 and there's no time and no one to get all the s**t I missed in while I still live with my parents.

And I hate myself for not having that damn rebel phace.

Once I'm 19 it's all over. I don't know why, but everything that's fun and illegal is supposed to happen 18 and under.

Here's what my ******** up mind wants.

My ******** up brain wants accpetance by society, acceptance by the people I respect, like my friends. My ******** up brain wants to move away and never have contact with my parents again.

My ******** up brain wants to listen yet still hear nothing.

My ******** up brain is simply ******** up.

I don't know why I always get emo when I write s**t like this. I didn't expect it to turn into this s**t. Sorry.

I can't remember
Anything at all
I've been turning it all around
I'm sorry
So sorry
Is this what I have become

Wish I may
Wish I might be someone else tonight
Sometimes I wish I was never born at all
And I'll try to save the world
Cause in the end I know
I'm the chosen one
I'm the chosen one

I can't remember
What I used to be
Something's turning me upside down
You made me
I love you
But I can't change things I've done

Wish I may
Wish I might be someone else tonight
Sometimes I wish I was never born at all
And I'll try to save the world
Cause in the end I know
I'm the chosen one
I'm the chosen one