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I say Autistic... but I mean Aspergers... But I don't know how to use "Aspergers" as an adjective. Autistic works better.

Anyway. I don't mean to sound like I think Aspergers is a bad thing, nor do I think badly of Autism. I have an Autistic cousin, so I'd be downright mean to think things like that. Eh, I'm getting off-topic.

Especially these days, I feel like I'm only focused on three things: Writing, Non/Disney, and Fruits Basket. (isn't it weird how that manga keeps popping up?) And you could say I spend time drawing too, but even when I'm drawing it's either of a Non/Disney character or pertains to my writing. (I don't really draw stuff from Fruits Basket...)

And I can feel it particuarly when I'm in US Literature with Mrs. Bush. I actually get self-conscious because I'm so devoted to my writing in there, and my anger essay? It was about people disliking my writing. Yes, I think you know which people. *cough*Chris*cough*.

I actually have wondered if people can tell how greatly my world revolves around those few things... I know they don't get it. Iva was just telling me the other day that I'm not into Fruits Basket anymore, so the books shouldn't mean much to me anymore. And she's right. Fruits Basket isn't as big a deal to me as it was in 7th grade. But something about me makes it impossible to actually stop liking it. I suppose normal people can just move on from obsessions, but for me it's impossible. I actually felt very hurt when she said that to me... I don't know why.

Eh, I'm rambling again. My point! When I'm in US History, I can feel how obsessed with writing I am. I feel different. It makes me sad, becuase sometimes I think Mrs. Bush can tell I'm different. And sometimes I wonder if people who look at me think I'm mentally different.

I know I've never been one to really care about fitting in... And I've always embraced my individuality. But I don't think this is what's troubling me... Well, in a way it is, because I can feel my friends distancing from me. I worry that I bore people. I bore myself sometimes, with my incessent talk of Disney and my stories. And the past two years I've felt really lonely. And I'm starting to prefer being alone, because trying to make new friends and stay close to old friends takes so much effort and I never end up close to people in the end. Everyone has friends they prefer to me. I suppose it can't be helped, and in the end it's probably better that way. Fitting in just gets more and more impossible.

But getting back to my Autistic-ness... Or a guess supposed Autistic-ness? Because I don't actually know if I have Aspergers... I think I covered this before? I think it was a few months ago...

Right... So I just feel like the better I do in LA the less self-esteem I have. I thought it would be the other way around. But I just see the way that some of the teachers treat me like I'm special, and it makes me sad. Or maybe I'm wrong, who knows. I could just be imagining that.

Man, here I am sitting on the computer at 1 in the morning (it makes me laugh that the journal entry will say I posted this at 10... Pacific time is so fun.) crying about crap that doesn't matter. I didn't even stay on topic, nor did this make any sense at all. I guess my point is I'm sad, and it might be the fact that tomorrow is October 14... I miss Jabez, and it's hard to believe he's been dead for a year. Well, a year tomorrow, anyway.

And there I go getting off-topic again...