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Ebil-NekoCat
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Posted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 @ 04:04am

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	September 13, 2010: Emotions It's been a while since I posted about my feelings and my personal life. Usually I talk about movies and whatnot, I guess because there's not much in my life to talk about. But lately I think I've gotten back in my personal thoughts stage of journal entries. I apologize if you all aren't as interested in this kind of stuff, but I haven't talked about this at all and I want to just let it all out. No, this isn't a rant. Just wanted to clear that up before people start bracing for impact. lol Anyway, the paper flower in French class and the upcoming Homecoming dance have me feeling all romantic. And my mom seems convinced that she knows who gave me the flower, but I think it was a different guy. So now that we've talked about it so much I'm twice as interested in who gave it to me. There's a guy I like in my French class, and I can't bring myself to say who it is because all of you already know him... And Addie probably just figured out who I like... You guys are going to ask, "Wait, what about Austen?" Well, I'm strangely convinced that I'm out of his league. Even though he's really nerdy. It's just, I somehow can't see him ever having any interest in me. And to be honest the guy in my French class, who I'm nicknaming Polo, probably would never like me either. Ugh, I feel pathetic. I need more self-esteem when it comes to this stuff. Sure, I think I'm awesome, but for some reason I can't see guys liking me. Which is absolutely insane, because I've had boyfriends before, and I know there are people out there who like me. So I don't understand why I feel like I could never get the guys I want. But even when I try to look at it in a more positive light, I end up still thinking Polo could never like me. Because I suppose Polo would choose other people before me. I mean, it's obvious he's much better friends with a lot of other girls. If he was going to show interest in anyone, it would be in some other girl in his grade, one he's known longer than five weeks. In the end, though, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, how important is having a date to Homecoming? Not important at all, especially because I already have a group of friends to go with. Bros before hos, or whatever the female equivelent would be. And it's not like I'm in any rush to get in a relationship. It would probably ruin our friendship. I have problems with relationships, I guess because in so many of mine I've been lied to or manipulated. I can't trust guys anymore, especially ones I'm dating. I know not every guy is a lier, but it's happened so many times that I have a constant fear that something's being kept from me. I guess I'm just sad. I don't feel like I'm important to anybody anymore, and I feel incredibly lonely. And having a crush on Polo doesn't help that at all.

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Queen_Awesome_Penguin
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Commented on: Tue Sep 14, 2010 @ 06:05pm


	I have little advise to give but I would love to know who polo is! you should just give me a little hint. biggrin You know i just got married, and have lovers, and was invited into a threesome, and have had many guys say they love me multiple times. So yea maybe you should try to be more like me. My pretend love-life has shot up in the last week Ive seen other people with the paper flowers recently. So i think its a junior.

Commented on: Wed Sep 15, 2010 @ 01:41am


	You know him, and he always wears polo shirts. And he's Asian.

Ebil-NekoCat
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Queen_Awesome_Penguin
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Commented on: Wed Sep 15, 2010 @ 09:14pm


	actually he (well last year) he only has like 5 shirts. Theres an aqua light teal one, and a strawberry milk one. Hmm i know today he was wearing a bright blue shirt, it was pretty. xp You know how I am about shirts Funny, I never notice what Zebra is wearing confused

Commented on: Wed Sep 15, 2010 @ 10:49pm


	Aww well it wasn't hard to guess that one I think it's sweet, but I'm going to have to be very honest with you. I think you and I have the same problem when it comes to guys. Both of us tend to fall very hard and very quickly into crushes, and I think I know why. Both of us are very emotionally-charged, in that we feel emotions more strongly than most other people. So when guys are nice to us, we feel very very happy because they're showing interest- maybe happier than most people would be. We feel special because they pay attention to us, so we perceive said feelings as romance. I'm not saying that this makes your feelings illegitimate, but I think you might be clinging to Polo because he gives you the feeling of happiness- I don't think you necessarily like him, but maybe the way he makes you feel. Not that you couldn't like him, but that maybe you're only focusing on the emotional aspect. Maybe think about the things specifically about him that you're attracted to, and consider if these things are positive in relation to you (cause that would mean that you like the way he treats you more than him). The reason I'm saying this is because I think I've been in the same situation- especially when I was feeling down, I'd rush towards anyone who offered the time of day. Just consider this, please. I don't want to see you get hurt for rushing into something. As for Polo himself, he's a very nice guy, and yes he has had girlfriends, but I think he's like Kevin in that he's not ready for a serious relationship. Or any relationship. Guys mature slower than girls, and he is a year younger than us already, plus he's pretty weird. Not saying that things couldn't work out, just giving my perspective. As for feeling like people don't like you, that's really just highschool. It sucks, it really does, but you have to remember that that's not true, that people do like you, and that it really doesn't matter if people like you or not- because you'll always have people who won't leave you, no matter what. Remembering that usually helps me get over self-esteem issues... As for homecoming- been there done that. There's always prom 3nodding And even then, it's not the end of the world. Oh, it's chicks before dicks by the way. In relationships, you have to really evaluate yourself. Love is about taking risks, putting yourself out there with the chance of getting your heart broken. You have to trust that the other person really does love you, and that they won't hurt you. If they do hurt you, then just remember that they weren't the right person for you after all. Hard? Yes. But living in fear is wasteful. As for not feeling important, I really think it's a matter of perspective. You are important in some way. Maybe the climax of your life is dropping a pencil on the floor- no matter how trivial, you're living for something, and that something is important to something else. Whoa, sorry for taking up the page. I guess I'm just trying to say that you should consider where your feelings are coming from because you might be trying to fill a gap in your life, which isn't really fair to you or Polo. Maybe I'm being arrogant in my assumptions, but I feel like I've been there. And as your friend, I feel like it's part of my job to give you the best advice that I can. So I hope this atleast helps some sweatdrop

redpandy
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Ebil-NekoCat
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Commented on: Thu Sep 16, 2010 @ 02:11am


	Well, actually, Addish makes sense there. Plus, if you read at the top again, I said myself that it's because of the paper flower and the upcoming homecoming and my just overall loneliness that I feel this way. So yeah, I totally agree with what you said. And no worries, I liked reading it all!

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