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Tonight was one of the worst nights since I started dating my boyfriend. I don't think things will be the same for a long time. I wish things could be how they were when we first started dating.

I asked him why he doesn't kiss me in public, or in front of his friends anymore, and he just kept saying I don't know. I asked him if he's less attracted to me because i've gained weight - like 20-25 pounds. He wouldn't answer me, and finally after asking him repeateadly he addmitted he he is. That was the first time i've seriously considered making myself throw up, just so all the gross s**t I ate today wouldn't make me look worse.

He never compliments me anymore, or tells me I look sexy, nothing. I miss it so much. I pretty much had 0 self esteem, now it's like -50. I ruined my ******** body and now i'm stuck with disgusting stretch marks, sure I can lose weight (and i've been working on it, not as much as I should be, but it's still better then nothing), but those ******** disgusting marks are with me for life. I hate myself for doing this to my relationship, things aren't going to be the same, atleast not for a long time.

I just wish things could be how they were 2 years ago.