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My whole life has always been hell, right from being a kid all it has been is hell. I was picked on really bad, I was beat up by kids in grades lower than me - by kids that were four years younger than I was. I got text books slammed on my head, and stuffed into lockers. I even got taunted with words all the way home by three boys in particular who would always say - "3 shutup" - why the said it is still an unknown factor in my life. But those words still haunt my mind unfortunately.


As I got older, it got worse, and the cutting got worse. I was thirteen years old when I first started cutting. The reason: a boy. Most people reading this would automatically think it was just a failed relationship. It was more than that. Far more than that. He was two years older than me - fifteen. He was being forced by his friends to pick out of two girls to be with: Megan and Lauren. They kept pushing him and pushing him, and he had just moved to the base. How depressing. Well, he didn''t pick. By the end of the night him and I were laughing up a storm. The next morning at 10:45AM to the song "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse, he asked me out. I said yes, not realizing what I was getting into.


We dated for five days. Him breaking it off with me wasn't what bugged me. It's the fact that he was messing around with two of my friends behind my back. Jasmine and Jamie. Jasmine would always tell me what him and Jamie did, and Jamie would tell me what Jasmine and him did. Well, it wasn't really that either that hurt. It was the fact that he had to get his friend Tristan to do it. To break it off with me, so I chased him around based...crying my head off, trying to get him to say it. Living right behind me was two teenagers. Well, Brett was there (another teenager) and I was walking by them back to my house after my now ex and I fought and I was crying. She mentioned to Brett that I been walking by and crying all day and that it was a boy doing it to me. Brett said hi to me and waved. I waved back, not really being able to talk.


The next month, my ex tried getting close to me. August 13th, around 8PM he asked me to go for a walk. I thought nothing of it, so I said sure. We went to the golf course, kids always used to go there to collect golf balls. Unfortunately that wasn't the only thing he wanted to do. He kept attacking me and shoving me to the ground. He chased me and would knock me down again and start groping me. When I got ahold of his knife, I got him off me...but that was a mistake because he twisted my arm back behind my head and made me drop the knife. But I fought for it, don't get me wrong. I almost did a flip so that I could get out of him twisting my arm...but he yanked up real hard so I dropped it. Then he held it to my throat and took me back to his place where he made me sit, with his brother standing behind me with a golf club on my shoulder. He was told not to let me move a muscle. When his brother moved, and he tried attacking me again, I sacked him and ran home. As far as I wasconcerned, a girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do.


I held that horrible nightmare in for eight months before I cracked. For those eight months, my life was so overwhelming and the biggest nightmare I have ever lived. Boyfriend after boyfriend I was abused, sexually harassed and just broken hearted. I had one guy cheat on me and I found out on Christmas from his nephew. Nice Christmas. I met another guy in a closet who liked to use girls for their friends. And the list just goes on...until they slammed me in the child adolescent treatment centre where I met my first love - Cam.


Well. Cam and I dated for ten months. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I knew he loved me, and I loved him. He was my whole life. We took long walks, and we spent just wonderful nights sleeping in his bed. Which was very comfortable. We would go to the lake, and he would show me the most beautiful spots at the lake...and tell me how beautiful I was. He would kiss me, and when I'd cry he'd hold me and stroke my hair. We'd take off to Winnipeg with each other and have a blast. We did so many things, and then I got pregnant. I was fourteen, he was seventeen...eighteen by the point I got pregnant. I had an abortion, and after that, when he looked at me, it was like something was missing. A month after my abortion...he dumped me and ended up with Danielle. A blonde girl who he had been interested in for a while. They dated for two years, and for those two years I went through hell.


It took me forever to get over him. The amount of years they spent together, was the amount of time it took me to get over him regardless of how many people I dated. I dated a lot of people. Lots of abusive relationships, some where the guy treated me really well...but my heart was throbbing for Cam. Just this past July, I moved. No more Cam. No more Danielle. No more friends. No more rumors. No more bullshit. A new start. A new life. That I royally ******** up. I am still here, in Hartney, with all these people....and having to live my mistake every single day.


I ended up with Kyle, Burton's cousin, and Burton was an old friend of mine. Well, Kyle was not the guy I expected. He was completely different. Very grabby. It just brought back bad memories, and people kept telling me to not mind it because it's all he knew. I didn't care...he was harassing me, I told him to stop. He would, for an hour. I just couldn't take it. As the time went on, I began to fall more in love with his best friend Kris, who I am now with. Three months of guilt trips and suicide attempts and threats from Kyle...I finally dumped him. Then Kyle found out I was in love with his best friend, and spassed on me. He then told me it was okay to be with Kris. The next night after dumping Kyle, we drank at Kristofor's. Not Kyle, Timothy or Chelsea though. That night, Kris and I ended up in bed together.


Two months later, on January 10th -- Kristofor proposed marriage to me and I said yes. Everyone was mad about us just being together...saying that we are no good for each other. Well, January 10th he proposed and I said yes! Ten days later...I found out I was pregnant with his baby. Then the rumors started. Supposedly it was Burton's baby. How that happened: when I was with Kyle, I was screwing around with Burton while he was with Connie. Then when Kyle and I broke up, I got with Burton before Kris, then I ended up with Kris and continued to screw around with Burton. Lovely rumor considering the fact I have never seen Burton with his pants off. Then, the rumor and thought went around saying that what if it's Kyle's. How can it be? We broke up November 12th. The 13th I was with Kris, it was December when I concieved which leaves no room for Kyle to be the Dad.


Kyle and I got into a verbal fight over MSN one night and he said he was more prepared to be a father than Kris will ever be. I was mad, Kris found out, and since then we have not forgiven Kyle. Timothy, Chelsea (who are dating) and Kyle have not spoken to us in a long time. But honestly, it's better this way. And it's just sad. Really. Kris has very few friends left, I have my friends left in Brandon...but you know what? We are happy together. We are who matter along with this baby.



But, not too long ago, Cam came back and told me he is still in love with me. I didn't know what to think. He told me how he dreams of me still, and rolls over when he wakes up to see if I am really there. The scary and creepy thing is, when I dream of him...which I cannot seem to control, I roll over to see if he is there. Kris knows that there will always be a place in my heart for Cam. He knows that. And he knows that some days I miss him, but he also knows that I am with him...that I do love him. That he is my world, and that this baby is my world too. Sometimes my heart just aches for Cam.


To get closure from Cam, I sent him this very rude e-mail...hoping to get him to give me closure or to really get off my back. But he came back again with another e-mail telling me he loved me and everything. I cannot get over it, but we both know we cannot be together so I don't know why he keeps saying it. Then he accused me of telling Danielle everything we talk about, and said that I must be someone else he cannot trust. But it's not true. I didn't tell Danielle anything. So now I am beginning to wonder if they are both just pulling my strings.

Well Febuary of 2008 found out from my one friend that Kris was having two affairs behind my back. Thus resorting us divorcing and me moving back home to my mothers house. So as you can see My life is so twisted and messed up. I get so stressed and I am not supposed to be stressed and this is the only way to vent. And so, I resort to blogging...which I hope will help me release some anger, tension and whatever else is bottled up inside. And thus...the realization of my life...is finally here: my choices led me to this place, and now I have to deal with the consequences.