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Rather than rant to individual people and etc, I'm just going to pour out my consciousness into this internet wall.

It is currently 23:10, 3.27.10, for those of you who can't find the timestamp.

Now 11:11, and I wish...

I wish that I would give myself a break and live.
I wish that I could gain courage and ask Ben out.
I wish I wish I wish.
If wishes were fishes, there'd be no room for water in the river.

If you go back a few posts, you'll see one about how I was furious at a kid named Ben because of awkwardness that happened at a fundraiser two years ago.
I didn't admit it then but I did like him. And I still do.
He is one of my best friends at school now. I know more about him than most people do, and I'm just tolerant enough to not care about any of it.
Several things are preventing my doing anything:
1: His reaction. If he doesn't like me, it may be awkward. Reading this over, it seems completely stupid. This reason is not very high on the effect list, it's just what I listed first.
2: What everyone else thinks. Most people I know think he's either a creep or weird. Maybe they'd change their mind if I do something.
3: My friends. I've tried to explain them to him before, and he thinks they're insane. I'm not sure how meeting them would go, because I know he would have to meet them.

My biggest concern is that I'm a bigger geek than he is. I spend more time reading, on the Internet, gaming, and geeking out than he does. Hell, my Friday nights are chilling at the public library or at a friend's playing Dungeons and Dragons.

And to move to where my consciousness really is tonight: DnD.
I am officially a nerd after making my second character last night and spending all day today painting it. Although she has no name, she is awesome looking.
I play every other Friday, and every week is more inside jokes that remind me of things for ages afterward. I don't think I can hear any word ever anymore without internally laughing at something odd from that household.
Honestly, the people there...I feel closer to them than I do to anyone else sometimes, because we all share the same interests and a similar mindset. Every single one of us has a story of our own that brought us to the game world, and every single one of us has been ostracized at some point, whether it was for the game or not varies.

Forgive my random ramblings, it has been a long day. I can't talk about Ben because I'm not seeing him for a week and two days due to break, and that would just make me seem obsessed. However, I cannot talk about DnD because it's my group's Fight Club or /b/.

I looked back at this and realized it was all just utter nonsense, and rather than waste my consciousness, I'll just change topics.

If you know me IRL, you've probably noticed that I cannot say anything without laughing anymore. There is such a thing as trying to be happy all the time. I have somehow succeeded for 70% of the time. The rest, I feel a complete failure.

I always doubt myself, and the quality of my work. The mini I painted today, I feel like it looks ridiculous and stupid no matter how many people say it looks great.
yes, the detail is well-done but the colors are atrocious. I never should have picked fuchsia for her tunic and orange for her arrowtails. The only reason I did not make her look angelic and perfect is because the Cleric (healer) that I want to get was going to be the beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed one.

Every character I make has an oddity. Whether it's physical or mental, they're all unique and hard to duplicate. My first was a 8-ft-tall giantess who could crush anyone with her bare hands (almost) and finally killed the evil gnome. My new one is a half-angel paladin (good warrior, basically) whose mission is to destroy all corruption in the Earthly world. The other minis that I want are a beautiful cleric, a druid-like wizard, and a medusa-looking creature.
I think I'll have fun with all three, if/when I use them.

It is now 23:30, 3.27.10 and I should go to bed since my parents got tickets to the circus tomorrow, lol.