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is how I'm feeling right now. Why is it that every time I listen to songs by Linkin Park the lyrics stab me right through the heart?

"And your voice was all I heard
that I get what I deserve

So give me reason
to prove me wrong
to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
the distance in your eyes
Give me reason
to fill this hole
connect the space between
Let it be enough
to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide"

And I can't help but think that all this time while I was actually living with Thomas he was planning to get rid of me pretty much from the start. That any time we had sex back then it was done without love on his part. It explains things a little bit but still leaves me confused at the same time. Him not telling me that he loved me anymore and me fighting for what I thought we hadn't completely lost then. I don't even understand now how I could have been that blind not to know from the start that he didn't love me anymore. I had lost my trust in him, that's true, but when he wanted me to trust him again I forced myself to and never thought twice about the things he did. I was trying so hard for him! He never even realized how hard it was for me to be standing outside in the cold for at least one and a half hours a day just so I could spend a few moments of that same day in his presence. Not that he ever actually took the time to consider what hard times I'd been going through to be with him... All he ever saw was his end of "my life is so hard". And I listened to him, I tried to comfort and encourage him just to be told in the end that it was supposedly all my fault that he wasn't doing so well anymore. This whole dream that I had fought for more than anything in my life was in his hands and he crushed it. Now when I look back it just makes my heart ache with sadness. But on the other hand it makes me wonder just why he took so long to actually rid himself of me, when he's supposedly so much happier now. I don't know what would have happened then, I guess. I might have gone back home and never met the wonderful people I hang out with now... You never know. Maybe my ignorance really was bliss in the end... I lost the person most important in my life but I gained more friends in two months than I had during the time I severed all other bonds to be able to attach myself more to this man. In the end, even though it felt like I lost, I actually won. It's not like something this minor could ever break my spirit. He might have left a scar, but then again... It's only one of many. Nothing more, nothing less. I will go on finding a love that I truly deserve. Just watch me...