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Webster's dictionary defines fear as...

Noun
1. An emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight).
2. An anxious feeling; "care had aged him"; "they hushed it up out of fear of public reaction".

Verb
1. Be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event; "I fear she might get aggressive".
2. Be afraid or scared of; be frightened of; "I fear the winters in Moscow"; "We should not fear the Communists!".
3. Be sorry; used to introduce an unpleasant statement: "I fear I won't make it to your wedding party".
4. Be uneasy or apprehensive about; "I fear the results of the final exams".

I think I relate to the very first one the most of all. I'm curious as to what other people are afraid of, and I don't mean little petty things. i.e. bees, snakes, the dark, ect. I mean real things that make you want to cry just thinking about. When I was younger I use to go around like I was some big shot saying I wasn't scared of anything, but as I grew older... that is quite the contrary. I'm scared of so many things, some might find it ridiculous.

I'm scared of growing up, it really hit me after I turned 18, that I'm not a kid anymore. I can't just run to gramma and tell her I want this or I want that. I'm even in college now, I can't just do whatever I want anymore. I have rules I have to abide by, and even though I'm living with my mom right now, I don't feel safe. I don't feel at home.I know she doesn't have much and she's trying, but it just isn't the same. I miss being a kid with Adrian, I miss when he would come over with Laura and Robbin, and we'd all run around in our back yard playing all kinds of s**t. I miss picking cherries in the Summer with Adrian and Laura, and Laura finding maggots in the cherries when she bit it in half... But the thing I miss most is being able to just be with Adrian for days, even weeks on end. With no need to go to school, or to college, or anywhere. But to just sit in my room, playing Zelda and eating junk food and making my sister miserable, or on Gaia, then making movies when we found out what "Emo" meant... and when we made our guild. I really miss those days, and I'm scared I'll never be able to relive them, this Christmas I'm going to Montana for the Holidays, but he's going to Idaho... And since I've been back to Washington, we've hardly seen each other at all. And I'm really scared that we might grow apart for some reason, but I know we can't. We're the best of friends and I know nothing can change that. But I still have that feeling.

Forgotten. That is a huuuge fear of mine. And I believe it stems back with my mother and father, and the "issues" I had as a kid. So now thanks to them, I do believe I have BPD. I'm so scared of being left behind and abandoned again, that I go over-board and have to talk to people 24/7 almost. And if I don't hear from them all day I freak out and I'm texting them like crazy. Aaron is a huge victim of this and I apologize constantly for it. I really don't mean to bother people so much, but I really can't stop myself. I'm just so afraid that they'll replace me with someone bigger and better, someone brand new and shiny. Someone smarter, prettier, wittier. I mean, I can only be entertaining for so long, and honestly that's really all I have going for me. I don't find myself attractive, creative or smart. Even my artistic skills, I can only draw for so long until my bones shatter. And after that, what do I have left? I have nothing. I mean sure, I'm funny. But so what? What if I could never talk again? I really have nothing, so I'm constantly living in fear, every day of being replaced by someone I loved. Let it be Adrian, Aaron, Josh, Othman, Floyd, ect. I'm honestly terrified at the fact that they might not be here tomorrow talking to me, or replace me with someone else amazing. And as a result, I'm clingy. I admit it, I'm extremely clingy, I just have to know where you are at all times, what you're doing, how long you might be. And it's not because I'm nosy or trying to be creepy, but because I love you all so much and I'm just scared you might leave me. And it might be a trust issue, I'm honestly not sure. All I know is that I love too much, and I know I can be suffocating sometimes. But please bare with me, it gets better. I promise. I just have major trust issues, and I'm really trying hard to get over them. So to anyone I might of suffocated or annoyed to the point of completely hating or ignoring me; I'm truly sorry and I hope you the best.

My worst fear I think might be ending up alone. I know it sounds generic and lame, but it's true. And in the back of my head I know I'll never truly be alone, because I'll always have Adrian. He's honestly the only person in this entire world I can really count on, he'll never judge me, he knows how to make me smile when I'm upset, he knows how to make me laugh when I'm pissed. He just knows me all too well, and I'm sure other people know me well too. And no offense to any of you, but Adrian has to be my number one forever. No matter how many guys or girls come and go, I can always count on Adrian to be there and to help me when I fall, end up heartbroken, or anything else. Because I know he won't judge me, he won't make fun of me, and he'll be right there to rip apart the a*****e who hurt me. And I love him for that, he's so protective of me and I love the feeling of having someone love me enough to want to protect me so much. Usually all my love is one-sided almost or I love the person too much and don't get anything back. And I'll admit that I feel that way with Aaron sometimes, I try so hard for him and I love him so much and want him to be happy, but he doesn't seem to hardly want to talk to me anymore. I'm not sure if he's just busy, bored with me, or what. But he could at least tell me so I don't sit here sending tons of texts trying to spark up a conversation. I understand that you get your emo days and don't want to talk, but you can tell me. I'll just tell you okay, I love you and feel better. Is that so much? I don't want to sound like I'm being a b***h, but I get worried and you know that. If you're just so tired of me you never want to speak to me again, tell me. In the end, I want you to be happy, whether having me in your life makes your life better or not. Just tell me so at least I can be happy for you.
Anyway, that was all way off topic. Being alone... it doesn't seem too bad to some people, some people love to be alone. And I like to have my share of being alone. But I do get lonely. And I don't mean "I'm scared of being alone" like I'm completely scared of being alone for two seconds of my life. But that I don't want to die alone, I really don't. I don't want to be like my Aunts and mother and at 40+ years old all alone, no friends, not married, no boyfriends, ect. I know I sound like just another stupid fairytale girl wanting her "Prince charming" and to live happily ever after and all that s**t. But that's honestly all I want, I just want to get married and have a family and get on with my career. I have a lot of love to give and it seems like no one really wants it, and it's pretty spirit-breaking. I know I really don't... present myself? I'm not sure if that's the right word. But I don't really do it in the real world, why? I'm scared of being rejected. It hurts and it's happened oh too many times. I just want someone to love and to love me back, that's all I want. I've even thought of getting myself artificially inseminated, just so I could have someone to love and someone who won't leave me. Pretty silly, right? I know... I have really thought about it though. But I don't want my child to grow up the same way I did... Well in my heart I know they won't, I honestly do believe I'd be an amazing mother, whether other people want to believe it or not. I never even knew I had a motherhood side until Laura had Laila, and the second I held her I almost cried because I knew this was what my life was missing. I really just want someone in my life that I can teach, nurture and love forever...
I do believe I've gone off topic again, but I think I'll stop here. There really isn't much more I can add at this point.

So anyway, I love you all and hope you're all doing well. And I want comments please. I want to know what all your fears are, you don't have to go into detail with what I said, but I'm curious to know what all of yours' are.

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