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Heyy.
This is something I havent really done before.
So I might not be that good at it.
But I just need something that will help me get it all out before my thoughts take over and send me away to the land of stress.
Right now I feel alone, isolated. Nobody understands what Im going through at this moment. Thats how I feel. I cant tell my friends, I know they will judge me, and I cant put my crowded mind into words that are capable of making sense to any human being. Nobody gets it, except me.
Is there anyone who will listen these days?
Is there anyone who will help me, who can pick up the peices I broke myself?
Why am I doing this? I dont know. Im hurting myself.
But right now, Ill tell you what Im talking about.
Love.
Or, an easier way to understand, a boyfriend.
We have been dating nine months, to this very day.
For about a week or so, I have had scenerios (sp?) racing through my head like cars on a racetrack.
Ive been thinking about how to break up with a boy I hold very dear in my heart.
This proboly doesnt make any sense to you.
"Why would she get rid of the only one she can talk to?" "Why is she doing this to herself?" "Why does she want to leave the only one she loves?"
Thats what you want to know.
Thats what Im trying to explain.
Im sorry for speaking in riddles, sorry if this sounds like a girl speaking in tounges.
Maybe this is a foriegn language.
I dont know.
You see, theres something telling me its what I have to do.
Maybe my concience?
Or just a gut feeling.
Maybe my heart adopted an issue with being happy.
I dont know.
Anyways. So, I also have something else wrong.
Other than the fact Ive fallen out of love, and the spark is only a burning cinder close to going out.
Theres a boy.
I like him.
I wish I could tell you about him, alot. I can describe him with such beauty, the words dancing off my hands, onto my keyboard, there for you to gaze upon.
But im nervous. He makes me blush sometimes. I feel happier around him, and im scared if someday he sees my performance of typos, and words I spelled incorrectly, he wont love me back.
I want to get to know him alot more.
But I dont want anyone else to know.
I dont know why im typing this still, I need to hit backspace. My friends will watch this and anger will grow inside of them. Burning its own flame of emotion, a flame I wish I still had with the word "Love" inside it. A flame I once had, but lost. A flame he still feels the warmth and comfort of, but I do not.
I suppose I will go on.
I can tell you a little about this other boy, the boy who unkowingly stole my heart. Im glad i met him, he makes me feel those feelings that nine months ago I had, showing on my face in a soft pink.
He is different. Hes a mixture of two whole social sterotypes. I believe he is musical, i believe he has talent.
I want him to show up at my window playing me a song.
It could be any song.
Even a song he messed up alot on.
In my eyes, hed be beautiful.
I want somebody to come rescue me from this chair, the white screen filling my dark room with milky light.
I need to turn a light on.
So, ive been getting this weird feeling I havent had for about three years.
A feeling I felt when my first love broke my heart. My stomache turns, I feel cold, dizzy, and afraid.
I asked somebody about it.
That person told me that it was because it was resurfacing feelings that I want to keep locked away.
Like repunzel or something.
But thats my own spin on his words.
I wonder why I still talk to that person.
He gives me that feeling too.
He betrayed me once.
Back to my main topic.
So what can I do?
Do you thik that boy would be surprised if right now I went to him nd said "Hey, I like you."
Do you think if I went to my boyfriend and said "Ive fallen out of love." It would devestate him?
I think so.
I think if I told that boy I liked him, he would stop talking to me.
There are also two boys at my school I like.
I dont think they would share a serious relationship with me.
I think if I got any relationship from them, it would be a less than a month thing.
But as the boy I like the most right now, I dont know what we could share. I think he only sees me as a friend.
Cant we be more?
I want him to be the one I can go to, to tell whats wrong.
I want his shoulder to be the one I cry on.
But I dont seem to get what I always want.
I still wish I could make him fall in love with me.
Who is going to read this? I really want to know. Anybody who does read this, Im sorry for wasting your time with this long message of my own problems. You dont need to carry my burdens on your shoulders.
I wish I had some help with it though.
So whoever does read this, will you please help me, give me some advice?
I would really apreciate it.
I wonder what to do now?
Well, I suppose this is the simplified version of whats going on in my head right now.
I hope somebody else understandes exactly whats going on right now. Somebody who felt all the same feelings as I am right now.
Jessica says she understands.
But is that all? Only one who gets me?
Please tell me theres more.
 XxTheShadowOfYourHeartxX · Wed Nov 18, 2009 @ 11:20pm · 2 Comments |
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