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It's bothering me. I shouldn't have ever said anything. To anyone about it. If I just have kept it to myself it would have been fine, nothing would have changed, but now there is more to it. He said it and I swear I felt my heart jump. He shouldn't have called me, but he did. He's called every night now. It doesn't bother me. He doesn't bother me. I bother me. The s**t that I think. I'm stupid, I don't want to make that decision,but its like a an unstoppable impulse to do it. I give in to it. All the time. It causes people to fear me in their hearts. It causes them to hate me. They don't even believe me, so why take the medicine?
They are convincing myself that I don't have it. That it's not real. MY health. My problems. The way I awake every day isn't real. I'm scared for that time to come when I have to choose. I know what I care about, but what if the impulse kicks in again? What if it doesn't let me choose what really makes me happy? What if I am stuck in the wrong place when I get back? I know I'm doing the wrong thing. I can't stop myself. I don't know why. It's controlling me. From the inside.
To make it worse, I am really scared for him. (another him). I don't know how to fix it. I can't help anymore. It's obvious that I can't. I've been shut out. I won't give up on his sanity or him. IT may seem like it. But I wont. Though now, it's all up to him. He has to be the strong person I know him to be. Though I know how feel really feels towards me. Yes. It hurts. Its hurts so bad. When I read how he felt about me. I agree with him. It is my fault. I deserved it. I know I did. You may never understand because you do not believe me. Its just there. I'm sorry it will never stop. The impulse will never go away. It will always control me. Always....
I jsut hope it doesn't hurt you. If I do, I want you to hate me. Hate me as hard as you can. No mater how it makes me feel. Sad...Depressed. I don't want you to care. It may not happen. But on the slight chance that it will. Do I as I say. Please... Just hate me....

Hate me or not. You know I feel. And I would hope that inside you, you know that I wouldn't really do it if I was in control. I am dreading that day... The day that that might happen to you. That It will happen and I can't stop myself. So please. Be the man I know you are. Be smart. I don't want you to get hurt....