This is the second part of the whole I wonder if thing.. Though it’s too complicated to format it the same.
There are a lot of things I’ve realized lately things that I have perhaps realized too late. Do you remember when I asked you why you loved me. Even though I did want to know why you loved me. The truth is what I really wanted to know was how you could have possibly come to love me. How could you have fallen in love with someone who had only shown you the darkness in her heart. A darkness that you had started to heal and I though would continue to heal but then things kept going horribly wrong and you pulled away and left that darkness to consume me again. I feel like I’m becoming who I was before I met you at least inwardly… outwardly I suppose I’ve learned to make it look like nothings wrong .
Another thing I realized was that I was never mad at you for having lied to your family about how we met and so forth. I understood that much. What I really wanted to know was why you lied to me about it too. Did you not trust me enough or something? I never really understood your explanation on how you were going to tell them the truth after I came if I had been able to. I never understood how you thought that would work. That and had you been planning to tell me before I got there or if you were planning on telling me at all? I mean honestly were you going to tell them things like not to ask me about for example “what it’s like living in Canada versus living in the states?” I mean seriously? How far was that lie going to go if it hadn’t been discovered before hand?
These are all pointless questions to be asking now anyway. I guess hidden away underneath everything else these are really the things that kept me from being myself 100% with you. But thing is I can’t have been the only one to have changed. You changed to. I really did feel like I didn’t know you anymore. Like you weren’t the same person I’d fallen in love with. Can you blame me for feeling like I couldn’t trust you as much as before when it felt like you’d never trusted me at all from the beginning? You became so distant from me. You kept saying you were getting distracted by other things. Do you have any idea how much that hurt? To feel like I was less important to you than everything else. Like I was being put last on a list of things to do and it would repeat over and over again. You’d not come online for long periods of time. Sometimes you’d tell me about them prior to and ask if it was okay.. And of course I said it was but in truth I wasn’t really okay with it. Why would I want to be put second over a video game or whatever. Not being able to talk to is the worst thing. Especially when we only had one form of being able to do so.
I wish you would properly answer me when I use my own words to tell you something rather than using lyrics from a song. Which by the way I find to be total bull. As from experience no one wants to be alone. No one is “better off on their own” Anyone who says that they do want to be alone or is better off on their own is lying. People need other people. It’s a fact. Whether those people just be strangers in a mall, friends, family or whatever else. People need contact with other people even if it just means being around people not necessarily talking to them. Even though talking to people helps a lot more.
I really do wish that we could start over and at least start off with just talking to each other again as friends first and see what happens from there. I miss talking to you, I don’t really care about everything else anymore. My heart I think has started to stop hurting.. But it could just be me who’s stopped noticing the pain because I’ve been able to learn to ignore it. I do notice it hurts a little still mostly because of how lonely I feel having no one to really talk to anymore. I feel lonely all the time even when I’m surrounded by people.
There are things I still wonder about like in the last thing I wrote and some I left out like I wonder if you know how many times I’ve dreamt about meeting you and all the different ways it would happen and how we were happy just being together and eventually through it all we got married and what not. There were so many times I’d take one of the rings I had and just pretend it was a ring that you’d given to me and I’d put it on my right ring finger just to see what it would look like and feel like to have a ring there. I also periodically imagined what our first kiss would be like, how it would happen and I felt so embarrassed when just thinking about it made me nervous. You know, almost a month ago now I was exploring the hard drive of my laptop and I found voice clips I’d saved from one of the few voice conversations we had over msn. One where you were talking about how excited you were that it was getting close to the time where I’d be coming there if things of course had worked out.. That among a few others.. And most importantly the first time I was able to hear you say that you loved me. Even listening to it a month ago made me happy. I suppose because I knew that at some point in time there perhaps was someone on this stupid planet who did love me even though I still don’t really understand the how or why anyone would. I sometimes think to myself if it would have been better if i'd never met you. But then when i think like that my heart hurts again. So i suppose i'd rather have known you and lost you then to have never known you at all. Even though i wish i hadn't lost you at all. Part of me wonders if my losing you has anything to do with my having not come online for a month or so last year. I've regretted it this whole time. The night i found your message in my inbox i was going to apologize for not being online.. but i never got the chance. I kept thinking about why i didn't come online for that time. Part of it was because i was tired after work and my body wasn't used to it yet. Part of it i guess looking back now it seemed so pointless to come online since you were rarely on anymore and if you were you only ended up being busy with god knows what. So i felt like i didn't want to bother you. Because it seemed like that's what i'd become to you, a nuisance, a bother. So i stayed offline and spent time with my family. Something i hadn't done in a long time because i was always coming online for you. i stayed up as long as i could until you went to bed so that we'd have that much longer to talk. But i guess that was just wasted time. I don't know what happened that changed you. I don't know if i'd changed at all, I really don't think i did. Part of the reasons i stopped telling you about my problems was i did feel selfish about just talking about my problems to you. I wanted you to talk to me about your problems. The other part was i wanted to see if i could stand on my own feet and pull myself up out of my problems without having to rely on you. i wanted you to talk to me like we used to when we first met each other. before things started going wrong for us. I still want that.
When I was packing my stuff to take with me to university I’d found pictures of you I’d printed up two falls ago so that I could hang them up on the wall of my dorm room by my pillows so you would be the first and last person I saw. Seeing the pictures made my heart cry and for whatever reason I brought them here with me. Seeing them made me remember when you first sent me pictures of you and how you’d asked me what I thought and all I could say was that you were handsome because I was too embarrassed to tell you how gorgeous I thought you were or by today’s slang how “hot” you were and still are. Which also made me remember when I first showed my parents a picture of you and my mom said “she must have lied to him” I’d told you about that, I wonder if you remember. I know what she meant by that I never told you my interpretation of it. I knew what she meant the moment she said it. What she was saying was I probably lied about my appearance to you saying I was super skinny and well model like or whatever because why on earth would someone as gorgeous as you want to be with someone as unattractive as me.
I wonder if you’d find it weird that I’d kept (and still have)the wrapping paper that the 9th volume of the Fruits Basket manga came in. There’s a part of me that wants to tear the paper and the card thing that came with it into shreds but I feel like I would hate myself if I did. The same goes for the vase and the card that came with the flowers you sent me one year for valentine’s day. I’ve kept it on display in the center of my dresser in my room. I used to look at it when I felt lonely and was reminded that somewhere in this world someone loved me after January all I felt when I looked at it was pain that made me want to smash it into a million pieces but again I feel like I’d hate myself if I did. Do you know that it hurts to think about you? But at the same time it hurts to not think about you? I just don’t know what to do and though I’ve said my heart has stopped hurting. It really hasn’t, it just doesn’t hurt as much, or I don’t notice it as much anymore. All I do know is that I truly do miss you
If everything about our story were a fairytale I was completely and 100% the damsel in distress and you, you were my prince and my Knight in shining armour with or without a white horse. You saved me from the darkness that had captured me and we started traveling down a path far away from any darkness but somehow along the way we got separated and I couldn’t tell if you were looking for me as hard as I was looking for you desperately trying to find you and when I thought I had you’d disappear from me again over and over and each time you were changing into something I couldn’t recognize and maybe I was changing to I couldn’t tell and then perhaps we did find each other again and I was so happy but then I realized that I’d found you far too late and you cast me back into the darkness I’d been trying to escape from abandoning me to a life that I didn’t want, a life I didn’t ask for. A life I wasn’t given a choice to.
I hope you’ll be able to figure out what I mean by that last part. If you can’t perhaps you need to re-read what you said to me in January. All I guess I have left to say, for now I don’t know if I’ll have more to say later, is to me it feels like you’re running away from everything instead of facing it the way you should. Is it so hard for you to tell me everything that’s on your mind? Is it so hard to trust me after three years? I don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted a huge part of my life on you. I don’t want to keep thinking all of these what ifs. Most importantly I don’t want to lose you completely from my life.
 Kahara Michiyo · Mon Sep 07, 2009 @ 05:17pm · 2 Comments |
