I decided to add this here because my other entry today was a 'bit' long and random.
Well, in Primary school, I was practically a loner; and I should have been. I wasn't outgoing or anything and even though I did have friends, I didn't see them as close friends or those who would support me when I fell.
I had crushes, or maybe they were weird fantasies because none of them were Asian and I changed a lot; and all of them looked good.
And...I didn't feel overly upset about them.
I changed schools three times in Primary and not one girl did I 'love' for more than one or two months.
I was still a loner in all my schools, more so in the last because there were only 3-4 Asians in the entire school.
The bushfire that erupted in three areas near my school and us evacuating those in the retirement village did put me a bit closer to everybody, but only for a day.
Then comes High School. We all liked Deb but she obviously didn't like all of us.
I became the overly happy, excited, hyper-active kid. My life in my first High School was the complete opposite of my life in Primary school. Everybody a friend, laughing to death every single day, no stress and I was so free and happy that I even admitted openly my love for Deb.
In fact strangely enough for the FIRST TIME in my life, I actually had a painful feeling in my heart everytime I thought about how I'd never have her fall in love with me, no girl will ever love me, blah blah.
Pain was added by the fact that all the girls I 'loved' in Primary school never did.
Well, I realised my mistake with her after a few weeks (she was too 'slutty' for me, even though even now I don't believe she actually was; just an excuse by me to forget about her).
For a few more weeks, it was Amy. But too tall was the excuse this time and I never had any painful experiences when thinking of her, if I ever did.
Then came Anita and bam, it hurt like hell, espicially when I found out she had a boyfriend.
I remember it clearly. I was walking down the stairs leading to the canteen from the Science blocks. Year 10 I was. She was in my class I think.
She was cooking her lunch at the microwaves, just like me and Chao were doing. A friend of her's in Year 9 at the time asked her about her date with some guy. My shock and suprise must have been clearly visible and even till this day I am embarrassed about it because I just stared at them wide-eyed.
I must have clearly been visible to half the school if it weren't for the person in the canteen line taking out his or her lunch.
Eventually I asked her over MSN if she had a boyfriend, and if so, whether he was a gangster.
I'm really stupid. I regret asking that.
WTF was I to ask whether her boyfriend was a gangster? What the hell? Yes I cared for her and didn't want something bad to happen to her, but asking whether her boyfriend was a gangster?
Even asking whether she had a boyfriend? WTH was I thinking?
And I laugh at my MSC days now. I had so many friends, we were so nice to each other or else we would playfully fight and choke each other. But we were a group. We all knew each other and we all respected each and every one of us.
What makes me laugh is how I must have looked. I was practically a hunch-back with a neck that didn't know how to stay in it's shell. AKA, I probably looked retarded.
I've tried changing now. I've come a long way, but I still have a slight hunch at times, and at times, I forget to keep my neck in.
You could say that NSB had helped me, and still is.
You see, I dedicated myself to standing up straight. Straight back, neck in.
Since I had thought that NSB was filled with nerds and weird people, that me constantly correcting my posture and all would be practically normal to them. You know?
Ever since the epoc with Anita, and ever since I left MSC, I don't know what Love is anymore.
I haven't felt in love in a long time now and I don't think I will for another year.
Then SS hit. No, I'm not in love with any of them, but it was the first time I felt so close to female friends before. In MSC, I'd only gone to a movie with Mimi and some friends. I never had the courage to ask any of the girls out no matter how many times we all mentioned calling them/etc.
In SS, I've gone to their homes, we've seen movies with each other, Galaxy World...you know? Like a normal human being.
However, the reason SS just hit was because one of them said immediately that I looked hot when I they saw a picture of me.
I was quite happy you know. This was the first time a person has said I was hot in THAT way (Anita said I was hot when I went over to MSC in 2005, skipping NSB's swimming carnival; but she actually meant how hot my skin was because I had been baking in the sun). She even said her friend said that I looked hot too.
I was very happy. Suprised. Amazed.
But it passed. The only time that it comes back is when I'm in a depressed mood, and it just adds fuel to the fire.
My mind says (and please whoever's reading this, don't get offended): "Yea, only people 3-4 years younger than me who have never really experienced feelings of 'true love' like I have would say I'm hot", or, I'd say "They only say that to cheer me up".
Cause seriously, how many girls my age have said that I'm hot? How many have said that they liked me? How many of their friends have told me that somebody likes me? How many valentine Carnations have I received?
None, none, none, none, none!
And I don't get it. My back's now practically straight, my neck doesn't stick out much anymore, I'm 'considered' smart, I'm fairly average height for my age, I'm Asian (only mentioning this because I only go for Asians), I'm naturally kind and caring and more patient than most people in most things; and yet...
...yet...
[it hurts]
...yet...nobody likes me. And being NOW in an all guys' school doesn't help much. Away from my true friends, away from females (even if they don't like me, they are still better than none. They open the world to guys who have never been with girls IN school).
I constantly seem obliged to, when talking about what school I go to, mention that I've also been to a co-ed in my High School years so people won't start stereotyping against me.
Once I hit Uni, I'm afraid that people will tag me as an NSB and start hating me for it.
But maybe I'm supposed to belong to an all guys' school in the first place, you know?
And yet, it's so depressing.
No offence, but somebody like Ho...I can't imagine myself being.
He left in Year 9 or so to go to some higher selective, all guys' school.
A year later, I follow suit.
It's...depressing.
I'm now looking at the grass hill behind the Canteen. the basketball courts looking over it. Where we asians used to hang. Play basketball. Relax on the grass. And...it's very depressing to have to think about it.
NSB is nothing like that. It is like a graveyard to me. A graveyard with heaps of Einstein zombies crawling around.
So yea.
I want to sit in the city. Just sit on some steps and sit there with my head down for a few hours.
You know. I want to do that. Maybe I'll get so depressed that all the depression has been used up.
But...I can't bring myself to do it. I just can't.
Truthfully, I think that people stare at me because I look okay. Maybe their attracted to me.
But when I'm back home contemplating it all, it is laughable. Laughable. Hilarious that they'd think that.
They instead probably think how ugly I look, how retarded I walk and why I was even born.
And that's depressing. But awfully true.
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Bum bum bum!
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Darek Khort
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Justice.Maiden Community Member 
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Darek Khort
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Cherry Angel Community Member 
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should I get a photo of you and ask all my year 11/12 friends if your hawt or not? XD