Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Okay i am going to start with my computer. I hate it with a passin. The goddamned thing keeps freezing. i swear i will kill it. okay now that i said that i can talk about other stuff.

okay i have been really depressed lately. I had slept over at my friend, nikki's house a couple of days ago. When she picked me up at my house I was thrilled to see her. i was so happy. We talked in her car(her dad's car) and then we stopped at her mom's so she could pick up my christmas present. I was sad that i couldn't get her anything. i would have but i couldn't. she got me this really cute light blue dog. I named it bob.

we got to her house and her dad said he was going to get pizza. we watched some anime and played on the comp for a while. then we at pizza and watched more anime. We then went to bed and talked for like two or three hours. She fell asleep and i stayed up for a couple of hours. i finally fell asleep and before i woke up i thought i was at my own home. i got a little disappointed thinking that i had just dreamt all of what had happened. then when i opened my eyes i was at her house. i was happy.

Then i left the room and then came back in and she woke up. he dad came into her room and told her that he had a repair man coming over and i needed to find out when i was going home. I called and found out and then we went to the park. i hit my head like fifteen times sweatdrop . we went on the swings and then played in the sand. we talked about stuff and i was just happy. Then we went back to her house and her dad had bought sonic for us. I thanked him and we ate and watched more anime. then my parents came. well my dad and little sister but you get the point. When i saw my little sister i got depressed again but i didn't show it. i was sad b/c i was leavin and going back home.

All throught the car drive my dad could tell i was sad about something so he tried to cheer me p. i had to fake laugh to get him to leave me alone. we went to the store and finally made it home and it was six pm. I helped put up the stuff and went into my room. i turned on my TV and turned it up. i was watching comedy central but none of it made me laugh. i just kinda forgot the TV was on.

i then started thinking about what had happened before i left for break and then i started thinking about what would happen after i got back to school. I got depressed even more b/c one o my friends was mad at me. i thought that she would say more crule and hurtful things to me and i would just start crying in front of everyone. then she would get even more mad. i sometimes have cried myself to sleep.

i miss my friends and i just want to go back to school. i dread my own home. i am moving soon and i am hating every moment of everyday that i spend at my house. I am never hungry and so i don't eat much. I end up yellin at my sisters a lot when they didn't do anything wrong. i sometimes hate my life. I want to go back to school but i don't. i want to go back to school and see what has changed and what it the same. i don't want to go b/c i am afriad of what has changed. I am so scared that ppl will think of me differently.

I usually end up hiding behind a mask. I always tend to act happy but i have times where i lose it. the girl who is mad at me has said that i will burn in hell. I cried when she said that. I don't want to go back to school and have her say anything like that to me. It will bring back memories of what happened this christmas day in my house. my dad said "******** you all" to everyone in the house. i couldn't stop crying and neither could my little sister. I was so scared that he was going to hit me or something that day. i don't want thatgirl to say anything of the sort to me. I don't know how much more i can take. I am breaking down limb from limb.

I sometimes get so scared that on the inside i am afriad i am going to get hurt and not emotionally. I have been hurt emotionally so many times that sometimes i don''t even have emotions. But i am always scared that i am going ot get someone mad enough to where they will hurt me. I can't breathe a lot when i get like that. I try to calm myself but nothing works. My friends try to help but it never really does.

If anything at school happens that reminds me of home i get to where i can't breathe. but i end up hinding it. sometimes i hide it really well. sometimes i don't. I don't like it when i lose it. it makes me feel weak. I know i am not the strongest perons in the world but i don't like crying in front of ppl. I don't like feeling like they have to comfort me. I mean i know they sometimes want to but i just can't help it. I Hate it! I wish everything would just stop. i want the past back. Everything was okay then. I know i have to grow up but i guess i don't really know how.

Sometimes i hate my life. I just sometimes think everyone would be happier if i weren't around. But then everyday i get remind that i am a great friend. I just want to then cry b/c i would be so overjoyed. then i think that they are just saying that b/c i look so depressed.

there is this boy i know. his name is willard write. I wish i could still see him. He was like a brother to me. he knew how to cheer me up. He would call me beautiful and he would just be himself and not care. I want to talk to him. he knows how to cheer me up. I miss him so much. I know this is a rude thing to say but he knew me better than any of my friends at school. He taought me somethings and stuff. but then my sister broke up with him and she says i can't talk to him b/c it would be to wierd. he is now 17 and yes it is kind of wierd but i wish i could stay in touch with him. i sometimes cry b/c i don't talk to him anymore.

crying I am crying right now b/c i haven't talked to him in so long. I guess you could say i love him but i could never tell him that. He is still in love with my sister. i wish she was in love with him but she keeps going for the assholes. will was a one of a kind guy. He may have been perverted but he was sensitive. He would cry sometimes. he had humor and he could cheer almost anyone up. He was someone i could talk to and now he is gone. i will miss him so much.

Well that is about it. i know i talked about will a lot but you would have to know him and me to understand.