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Funny Quotes

"5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions."
"667. Evil and then some."
"Always forgive your enemies, because nothing annoys them more."
"And to think, you're the end result of millions of years of evolution."
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day."
"Are you a side effect of my medication?"
"Behold! The All-American weapon of mass destruction: choking on a pretzel."
"Boys are like pennies, two-faced and worthless."
"Chaos...Panic...Disorder...My work here is done."
"Come talk to me when you have some money."
"Come to the dark side; we have cookies."
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
"Don't drink and drive; you might spill your beer!"
"Don't interupt me when I'm talking to myself."
"Don't tell me to watch my blood pressure. I have no blood!"
"Eat right, exercise, die anyway."
"Fight Organized Crime: Abolish the IRS."
"For the record, I blame you."
"Gnomeland Secrurity."
"Gone to my happy place. Back soon."
"Goose a dragon and you're toast."
"Happiness is like wetting your pants. Other people can see it and only you can feel it."
"Have a nice day but leave me out of it."
"Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?"
"I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass."
"Idiocy is the essence of the male mind."
"I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to."
"I don't get mad, I get even."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"If I die, I'm taking you with me! Oh...you're dying? Forget I said anything."
"If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', what's the opposite of 'progress'?"
"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk."
"If you want breakfast in bed, go sleep in the kitchen."
"If you wish not to be destroyed, you will leave me alone."
"I hate it when I get food in my sand."
"I have a dream, and in it something eats you."
"I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed."
"I like it in my happy place, for they know me there."
"I like stress. It makes me hurt people."
"I'm an angel! I swear! The horns are just there to hold the halo in place!"
"I'm not littering, I'm donating to the earth."
"I'm only afraid of knives when you're holding them."
"I'm too tired to tell the truth."
"I'm up, I'm dressed, what more do you want?"
"Instant Human: just add coffee."
"I put ketchup on my ketchup."
"Is there a hyphen in obsessive-compulsive?"
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
"It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for."
"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead."
"I've said it once, but it's worth repeating. Anime: Crack is cheaper."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car."
"Jesus is my best friend, but he never lends me money."
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil."
"Last night, as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought, "Where hell is my ceiling?"
"Lincoln's Gettysburg address had 272 words. The Ten Commandments had 296 words. The U.S. Department of Agriculture setting the price of cabbage has 15,297 words."
"Manga: The Anti-Drug. Because when you're addicted to manga, how could you possibly afford drugs?!"
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all shut the hell up."
"My homework ate my dog!"
"My life is too much for me to keep up with. I want my sippy cup back."
"My mind works like lightning...One brilliant flash and it's gone."
"No need to suffer in silence when you can still moan, whimper, and complain."
"NO TRESPASSING. Violators will be shot; survivors will be shot again."
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Of course I don't look busy; I did it right the first time."
"Of course I'm out of my mind!...It's dark and scary in there..."
"Of course violence isn't the answer. 'Violence' is the question and 'yes' is the answer!"
"Only in America do drive-in ATM's have Braille lettering."
"Only in America do pizzas arrive at doorsteps faster than ambulances."
"Only in America do they sell hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight."
"Only in America is the slowest traffic time of the day reffered to as 'rush hour'"
"Ow, my brain hurts."
"Please do not throw anything or anybody into the fish pond."
"Sarcasm is just one more survice I offer."
"Self Destruct in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Have a nice day. (explodes)"
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
"Smile. It confuses people."
"Sorry, mind closed until further notice."
"Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed."
"Sugar is good for you."
"Take one step closer and I'll run away."
"Tell me your sob story...I need a good laugh."
"That which doesn't kill you...Will probably try again."
"The ability to speak doesn't make you intelligent."
"The newscaster is the person who says 'Good evening' and then tells you why it's not."
"The stupider people think you are, the more suprised they are when you kill them."
"There is a fine line between insanity and stupidity. Feel free to cross it!"
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system!"
"They say I have A.D.H.D., but I just don't understa- oh look! A kitty!"
"They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?"
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"Tucking fypos!"
"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing."
"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it."
"When life gives you lemons, throw them back in God's face and yell, 'Make your own damn lemonade!'"
"Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?"
"You can't spell slaughter without laughter."
"You cry, I'll cry. You laugh, I'll laugh. You fall out of a window, I'll laugh."
"Your chances of getting struck by lightning increase if you stand under a tree, shake your fist up at the sky, and yell, 'Storms suck!'"
"Your participle is dangling."
"You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you."