|
Contemplation
For various reasons, I felt much happier the past few weeks. With the advent of this, I have been brought to a contemplation point about my life and why certain things have brought me happiness in the past. I don't know how to explain it better than to say that I'm questioning how I've been able to be content with the way things have been going. I have reached a state of solitude and potentially fear of having that solitude broken. I want so desperately for someone to be in my life, but feel that it's just not an option. If I should find that I like someone, I fear scaring them away... or making them view me as less of an interest. I fear that if they like me, they don't know me well enough. I fear being left alone. I fear that in my attempts to stimulate a relationship out of a friendship, I will be excessive... so I, in turn, do little or nothing. I fear that I have read too much out of words or actions, so I hesitate. I fear that my hesitation sacrifices important opportunities. I hate this cursed indecision and how much it plagues me. I am still standing on two feet and supporting myself financially. Does this constitute happiness? When I buy something for myself, does it equate to happiness? When I justify to myself that even if someone else wouldn't value something I take happiness in, all that matters is that it makes me happy... am I lying? What are my ambitions? What are my goals? Is my ultimate goal to still be standing? Is it an achievement to close my eyes, bite my lip, sit in solace, and tell myself that I will get through it? So many times... At least, in that, I wasn't lying. I do get through it. God, I want something more. Give me something to be happy about that isn't a hollow semblance.
|
