Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I can't stand this anymore. Good God I just can't.

I never knew...how bad one could hurt and how bad one would want to die like this.

I'm actually hoping I die tonight at some carnival here, I've been having dreams of me dying on amusement park rides and I'm hoping one of them comes true. Just so I won't have to feel this pain anymore.

Or someone whips out a gun or a blade - there are usually some drunks at this thing thanks to the Beer Gardens next to it. Which makes me wonder why they put that there I mean come on, carnival + beer = chaos. Ask MLG in Florida aka The Master of Humiliation, the d**k of All Ages, etc.

I've already cut myself. Once. Twice. First time it's just a little dot, second time it was a small slash a few inches away from the main veins of the wrist.

I can't stand this anymore. This life, this pain, this depression and slow loss of sanity - I'm going down hard and fast, man.

I don't want to worry anyone let alone be a bother to this life, to these people, I know what my future is and I don't like the looks and/or sounds of it. I'm hurting so much now. I never knew how bad a person could hurt until this point of life.

If they think this is fun...seeing their daughter break by their words, it's not fun, it's hurting but of course they wouldn't understand that. My "Mom" wouldn't understand - she called me a whore once and hated how I looked on prom because she didn't like my hair - IT WAS MY PROM YOU B****, F*** YOU. My "Dad" wouldn't understand - he's the damn cause of all this - hits me alot, yells at me alot, why doesn't he just kill me as seeing he wants me (aka his mistake of a "daughter" wink dead?

I can't stand this anymore. It's all conflicting with me, within me and I can't take the pain it's giving me. Hell I already cut myself so why not take the plunge?

...

You know I always wanted to drown myself. Just get a big old block of that cement crap, tie my ankle to it with a tight enough rope, and just throw myself in the ocean - I always wanted to be a mermaid.

And like, maybe if they find my drowned corpse of Hell they could, you know, cremate it and sprinkle the ashes over the Haunted Mansion Holiday - I always wanted to go there.

Well hey I'm getting my license soon, so why don't I just go crash myself and hope I die?