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Someone's blowing fireworks or something outside of my house. I jump every time it goes off. . . Should I write in this more often? Would I feel any better if I wrote in it or would. . . another firework. . . I jumped. Anyway, or would it just make things worse between my friends and I? . . . and basically anyone else who reads it. Gah my eyes burn. I hate crying. I'm so feeble. Yea. Feeble. New word for me. Not really new but I never use it. My vocabulary sucks. I sound like an idiot alot of the time.

I feel the need to apologise for alot of things. . . Did you know that Americans spell that like "apologize" and the British spell it "apologise"? Maybe I should change mine. I am American. . . . Mmm. . . No. Where was I? Ok sorry for. . . . Geeze I don't even know where to start. Sorry to colorguard for being the b***h and the complainer and "Debbi Downer" and. . . my newest nickname: the brick wall. Yea sorry for making colorguard so miserable for everyone. It's all my fault and I should give people a chance. >.< I'm unhappy because of me and not because of others. Maybe it's me I should hate huh? Not that I hate anyone on guard right now but y'know that's what's been said so. . . whatever. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. So there's the first sorry.

Sorry to for making people feel uncomfortable and left out. I don't mean to and I want everyone to just. . . . >.< get over everything. I know I know, easier said than done but that's just something I want. . . . Like that matters. Sorry for being so rude all the time. And for making fun of you and making you feel. . . . any less than amazing. That's how I should make my friends feel but. . . I guess I'm not good at that.

Sorry to my parents for not meeting standards I've set for myself. Sorry for not being able to please you all the time. I know you work alot and I'm just a lazy teenager and all I care about is myself and my friends. Sorry for saying "screw you" to everything you ask of me. Sorry for never finishing anything to completion. Sorry for not doing my best. . . . whatever my best may be because obviously whatever I'm doing right now is wrong. Maybe one day I'll make you proud and get your approval.

Sorry "to whom it may concern" for whining all the time. Sorry for being negative and sluggish and boring. Sorry for looking at the worst case senario for everything and. . . . basically having no faith in anything.

I should do homework to at least make one of those sorry's not so much my fault. Oh well. Why change now?





. . . . I wonder what it'd be like to die. Would I be able to look over everyone and see who cared for my death or is there even such thing as an afterlife? I don't like religion because it always sounds different and. . . I want facts. I want someone to come back from the dead and tell me everything. I wonder if dying hurts. Do you get to start over or is it just. . . . done? Do you have a second life? Would you remember your first life? Maybe animals are the second life but they can't talk so we don't know. We can remember being human. That'd be cool. I'm very very curious but. . . I'm afraid I wouldn't come back. I wonder what my parents would do. I wonder what my friends would do. Would they have a pep rally about me like they did for that other girl? I doubt it 'cause it sounded like she was poular. I could just die in silence and that'd be that. I wonder if drowning hurts. Trying to breathe and getting nothing. I'd imagine your chest would hurt but how long do you have to suffer before you just pass out? Do you just pass out? I want details. I don't know why I feel the need to write my long train of thoughts down. . . I wonder which is worse: being hanged or drowning? Are you still in pain with hanging except it's your throat? Or is it sudden? Hmm. . . I wonder. So many questions.

Alright well I'm falling asleep as I write this and it's only 9:30. Wow. Let's hope I don't dream 'bout death. . . I doubt it. I don't dream. . . often.

Maybe I will write in the journal more often. . . . Hope I don't get in trouble for being on Gaia all the time though.