|
how am i feelin? CRAPPY!
okay i keep getting that feeling again, in my stomach. Like I totally hate who I am, im just not sure about myself. I absolutely hate the way I look Im fat okay I know that i have no problem with my body it's my face and the way i look when i smile i hate it! and this just makes me hate myself even more. A while ago I had wanted nothing more than to be popular and have a lot of friends and to be pretty and gorgeous and the girl that EVERY guy wanted. Now I want to be myslef but I still want to be pretty although im not and even if I was skinny I'd still look awkward as hell and not pretty. Frizzy hair, too tall, and too small eyes. Yeah I'm just complaining about the way I look but I don't give a s**t. And now in this new town there are a lot more people who listen to the same music as me they dress preppy but they kinda like my bands and it ANNOYS THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME! and another thing im THIRTEEN and people at my school are talking about getting fricken high off there asses smoking ciggerates and ******** making out with guys and s**t. I've never even been on a date nor has any guy ever remotely shown any interest in me. I've been here for a little more than a month and do you know what I have to show for it ONE friend! ONE am I expecting too much?!?! My friend is great she's super nice, and just moved to America from Korea (but she speaks fluent english) but Im still really lonely I only have 2 classes with her. Every were else Im quiet I keep my head down in the hallways my voice is barely above a whisper in class. I have two different voices my "talking to a friend voice" which is just kinda loud and normallish, then my everything else voice were im quiet awkward and soft. Then of course my classes im taking fench! what the hell? I've never taken a foreign language and this just sucks. Whenever I have a partner in something it ends up being quiet and awkward. In my writers cycles class I got partenered with this guy and for 30 minutes we just sat there staring at the floor waiting for the other one to talk (he talked first) it then turns out that I was in the wrong class which was no big deal cause a lot of people get confused with cycle classes so i switched in another class which was sort of okay i suppose. I want more than anything for something amazing to happen an adventure a boyfriend anything!!!! hell I would even do for finding a fricken stray cat and keeping it for a pet. UGH!!! and here's that feeling again like im doing somethign wrong that I need to be more outgoing. I miss my friends so much I took them for granted I miss the familiar faces of the people in my school. Maybe I didn't know their names and I KNOW that they had no clue who I was, but I knew their face and I saw them walk down those same Dwyer walls monday through friday. There was this one guy I've known him since kindergarten we were never really great friends except during a short time in foruth grade, but he's always been there like a familiar painting in a room. He always sat near me when we had classes together because out names were so close in the alphabet mines "H" and his is "J" we would sometimes have annoying conversations just sort of talked in class a bit he never really was a "friend" but it was nice to have someone familiar. All the teachers feeling that I knew everything about the school, because I had gone there for three years. Now I know nothing about this new school ******** Leonia Middle School s**t it SOOOOOOOOOO confusing! I just wish I had someone to vent to but I can't I would NEVER trust my sister with any of this nor would I trust my parents, and my friand (her naems Sam) we're more of the goofing around nothing serious friends not the come to with anything friends we have only known each other for about a month. It takes years for me to actually fully accept someone as a REAL TRUE friend. Not only that but in a ear she's going to move back to Korea and then what am I supposed to do I want to be alone when I'm around people and then when I am alone I'm desperate to have someone to talk to. Someone to hold me as I soak there shirt with my tears crying for just no reason. Maybe I expect too much from life, I've probably read to many stories about falling in love with one look or finding some weird hidden door that leads to another world with fighting and magic. Admittedly I do actually hope so much for this to happen that I might actually believe it. I just want some sort of reassurence from someone that I can trust fully and completely. -sighs- but that is never going to happen
|
