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Dear people I know and love,

I am sorry to do this…I thought I was better. Is this a suicide note? No. But I do think of death…a lot. I will never go as far as to attempt suicide, I do not want to hurt anyone. I would rather, what’s the best way to say it, disappear. Yes. I would rather disappear. I am not saying this to make people sad, no. I am just trying to write out what is going on in my mind to try and realize what is actually happening to me.
I might talk in circles, but if it straightens out my mind, so be it. I love…no…I don’t love. ******** that. ******** everything! I hate half the mother ******** in my school. The girls, most, seem to be nothing but whores. I hate it. A few girls I hang out with everyday are anti-drugs and anti-sex and s**t like that. And also, some of the girls I know, all they talk about is sex and backstabbing and so much ******** bullshit that it pisses me off.
True, I can have a terrible attitude, but who cares? I feel like I died so long ago, so why am I still alive? I do not know. I actually have people worried, but I feel like it’s the best thing to do. I do not want to worry anyone, but I cannot help it. I don’t feel the love, nor do I feel cared about. I know it’s wrong, I know people care…I just cannot handle this life.
To those that I have worried, I am sorry, please realize that. I am hurting people I’d never dream of hurting…never in a million years. I am on my meds, and they cannot bump them up unless they want it to become an over-dose. What is going to happen? What do I do? Run away from it? Talk about it? I know my dad has a lot to do with it, I know people in my school have a lot to do with it.
The real friends I have in school and other places, they are who I need in life. every time I try to talk to them, I cannot being myself to it. I hide myself in books, poetry, role plays and many other things. If I could control it, I would, and I know I would. I need someone, anyone. ANYONE HELP ME!
I seriously feel like sometimes I should just open the window and scream out to the world about how it’s ******** up, how it’s pointless! We live then die. WHAT HAPPENS IN-BETWEEN!? Nothing. End of story. It is nothing. What happens is we live…we have bullshit…we die…then nothing. I know I am a ******** depressed child. So, what? Deal with it. It is how I am.