Rin-rin was sitting across from me, holding my hand. I looked up at her gratefully, smiling.
She knew I needed to talk. Nodding, she squezzed my hand.
So I started...
"Sometimes, I do ask myself what the heck Im doing. Or what it is that Im trying to pull of. Truthfully, I dont know. Shouldnt just loving someone be enough reason to be with them? To let them be part of your life forever?
So why, out of all the stupid things, do we fight about the smallest dissagrements? Shouldnt it be the other way around? The big things are suposed to cause problems...."
Rin-rin sighed and mumbled, "Poor Nya..."
"Just by asking whats wrong, if he doesnt want to tell me, and I keep asking, he gets annoyed. Well, I do the same thing to him too...so I guess we're even." I shrugged.
"And, maybe hes tired of my stupid teenaged mind. Its not my fault Im not as mature as he is. As, sofistocated as he is... Gosh, Ive had to mature faster than I would have liked, but Im still a kid. Cant be all the he expects all the time.
Sometimes I wonder if he really loves me. He says it enough. But maybe only out of habit. Who knows. So, if I were to go see him in real, what would he do? Would he turn out to be some rapist like all of the other adults in this stupid world? Or will he be the guy of my dreams, like he is now?"
"Nya, I mean. I respect you and all, but hes..not all that good looking." Rin-rin stated, wrinkling her nose.
I laughed a bit. "Looks... I really dont care about what I guy looks like. Strange, right? I mean, his personality is whats going to stand out most anyway. He isnt the hottest guy in the world. But I think hes cute in his own way. Heh, Rin-rin and Eva... You guys really think I can do so much better. Especially you Rin-rin, man, you think hes just ugly. But hes not. At least to me anyway."
She blushed and turned away from me. "Sorry, but its true."
I just smiled. Then I frowned, letting my eyes go out of focus. "What really scares me about him, is his way of dealing with things sometimes. He thinks suicidal thoughts... and about cutting... And I feel so bad because I cant do anything to help me. Maybe it just pisses him off when I say "Im sorry I cant help you...Im sorry I dont know how..." Then again maybe it doesnt.
It is stupid of me to think that he is always going to want to hear about every little thing that happens in my life. Right? I get excited, and I want to tell him about my day, but I dont know if hes rolling his eyes or something.
And when I call him... Heh. the conversation starts off really slow. Its like, silence for ten minutes. But after we get into it, its just laughter and I cant stop smiling. Saying goodbye is kinda strange though. Its like he knows he has to go because he has to work, but he doesnt want to. So we end up saying it in a rushed maner. Not all that nice..."
I was crying, the tears rolling down my cheeks, my throat closed up. Why was I crying? I didnt even know...
Rin-rin came to hug me. Tightly. It felt nice. But I didnt calm down.
And even though there was no point in continuing. Or even fininshing what I wanted to say, I said it anyway.
"I-I want him to know, that I love him very much. Right now he is the most important person in my life. I would do anything to see him smile when hes down. Or to laugh when hes sad. I want to be the girl in his life that can listen when he needs it. And when no one else sees, that I can see it. To know when somethings wrong... I want to be a part of his life, but I dont know if he really wants me to...
I love him. Shouldnt that be enough?"
I looked up, and saw him standing in the doorway. My eyes widened and I choked. He wasnt supposed to hear any of this...
His face was...I dont even know how to explain it. And he was crying too.
"I..I.." I started to say. But he shook his head, got Rin-rin out of the way, and hugged me. And hugged me. And wouldnt let go.
I was grateful for that...
[Dont think I wrote this to make you feel bad. I didnt. Not at all. Just, I wanted you to know what Im feeling. Since today didnt end all that great. I love you. I love you so so much. And I hope you love me too...]
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