ive just realized. i have no life. i feel absolutley miserable and this may be my add meds talking but i feel like all my "friends" are only with me because of...what? i don't know but i certainly don't feel like i should be allowed to have friends. is that stupid do you think? i feel wierd like i have 4 different me's running around and ruling my life (if i have one). its like im dying with this huge weight of unhappiness and hatred towards people. its strange but i don't think i can trust anyone. im putting on this mask so no one can touch me or come near me. its like im standing in a crowd and they are all pushing on my chest and back trying to crush everything i care about and everything i have ever wanted. i look to my friends for help but they are pulling me outwards ripping me into peices not with words or physical strength but with their actions and looks. i don't know why ppl think i don't notice the looks i get, how some giving me looks of loathing and distrust and other looks take everything they want and push them on me shoving them down my throat choking me with their ideals and dreams. i try to talk to family but all i get is more of the same wants and needs. what they want me to do and how they want me to act. i just want to curl up and die in a pit of black water where i can slowly drown while being strangled by hands trying to pull me up to the light. maybe i don't want this and why can't i tell them this? because i am a product of my parents and their life. divorced and full of hate they stand up and say they are happy when in reallity they are already at the bottom. happy with their job but not with their LIFE and that is something any child can see. why should i try to live when i see nothing worth caring about? should i live so i can hold up the ideals of my friends while being looked down upon by the peers of my school? and held down by the hatred of some i call my friends why should i care for them?they say i am grumpy but no i am miserable and cold dying from the inside out. my emotions play with my psychy stretching me from one emotional disaster to another only to break me into tiny peices and gleefully stomp upon them. i am alone and even among others i stand miserable in my life as i plod along my life like a dying rodent in a sea of cockroaches waiting to feast upon my wounded and decaying flesh. already i feel that this "society" has burrowed its way into my heart and nested there. i can't seem to love anyone and maybe it is because my heart is being eaten inside my breast. i have turned to ppl for love and been broken like an old doll upon the pavement. my heart is tread upon like the welcome mat to to Hell by the oblivious and the cruel. perhaps ppl really don't care about what words can do. sticks and stones break bones that is true but words will forever haunt us and destroy our lives as they puncture and drill their way into our souls. i know i am not the only one out there who has felt most of this but i feel so alone. its not fair that all our lives we are told the story of the princess and the knight and happily ever after but when we reach a suitable age the truth crashes down upon us shattering and hope we may still cling to in our naive little hearts. we are no longer allowed happiness; it must be earned and so we all smile and think we have earned the right to have friends and family and to fall in love. but like a vicous beast at its last breathe will be fiercest, reality will shatter once agian our happiness. i do not think we should not try to be happy but that we should be prepared for the inevitable fall. i don't know how far i have fallen but soon i fear the bottom will come and i do not know if i will have the strength to crawl up from the blood and excrement left by those before me. i do not think that if i reach the top someone will be waiting. i fear i will be alone and will be that way forever. ppl say that death is the scariest word because it is the end but i fear "alone". to forever wander with no one to be next to you? to stand against something or for smoething and be the only person there? alone. standing in a dark silent never ending emptyness with jsut your own mind for comfort? how horrible it seems. we will all die that is a fact but if we do so and we have spent our lives with loved ones then we are fulfilled but to die with out a single happy memory or joy? to look back and see only yourself. alone. what horrible fate that would be. i can not help but feel that is coming and will be my fate.
MilkChocolateANSpunSugar Community Member 
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When i fall, it will be to my own rhythm, my own lyrics, and my music will never fade from those around me.