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Sometimes when I sit by myself, I feel things.
Things I cannot explain.
They make me feel... like I'm unwhole.
This is the only way i can explain it.
And sometimes.... i feel like i'm just not good enough...
Like... somehow... there's parts of me missing...
Like God just forgot some crucial peices when he put me together.
Why... why do I feel like this?
I can't stand it.
When i sit... tears form in my eyes....
And when I brush them away...
I feel more unexplainable things.
It makes my stomach feel like there's some empty hole down in the bottom of it.
Taking deep breaths,
Falling in deeper.
Isn't it enough, to feel like this?
No one should feel this way; it's not natural.
But then... I see him...
The face that makes all of my worries hide in fear...
Just thinking about him makes water fall from my eyes.
I don't feel like I normally would when I'm around him.
Somehow, he makes everything better...
Words couldn't describe how he really and truly makes me feel.
It's overwhelming...
I swear.... sometimes when i think.... I think about nothing...
There are words... words that can't be my own, yelling inside my head...
I try to pretend it's just anger... anger from nothing at all...
But i know it's not...
It's something much deeper than anger.
Much worse, too.
But... he's that little antidote that brings me back to life, that takes away the anger that i feel inside of me.
I know... that just because someone says they love.... doesn't always mean that...
But that's what trust is for...
I trust that it's true...
And why I think that possibly it's a lie... my stomach gets that empty feeling again, and the anger gets bigger, and tears hit the floor.
And even sometimes... my subconscious takes over and asks "what am i good for... why am i living.... why am i still here...?"
Irritable... and angry....
Can't anyone tell me WHY?
Hopelessness inside of me...
But this isn't what I WANT to feel... I want to be normal...
I don't want it...
I DON'T want it..
My hands shake...
I just can't understand it....
It's almost unexplainable...
To sit thinking nothing,
and these feelings inside of you,
the kind of feeling you get when you know you're alone while you sit in darkness...
that's how i feel.
But i'm not alone on the outside, or in darkness.
It's inside that I feel like I'm alone....
I feel like no one's really there for me.
Like words mean nothing...
My heart beats in a weird rhythm, as it tries to match my moods...
I promise you, if you had to spend one day as me..
You would kill yourself.
I'm convinced I'm indestructible; I've tried to kill myself three times, with no death result.
You can call me insane, and psycho all you want, and I'll just agree.
My chest gets heavy; sometimes too light...
The darkness is invaded by a bright, white light.
Seeing is believe, they say....
But... I belive in the things you cannot see.
The things you can see are the illusions.
Only I know how I feel inside,
no one else could ever possibly understand.
My breathing is shallow; and my chest pains me.
Like stabbing in the heart.
Short quick breaths, and an unlikely scream.

Welcome to my nightmare.
The nightmare that is my life.