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*sighs.* .... i managed to be ok for a while, but i dunno what happened... i kinda fell apart from it all... lost my faith... i mean, i know that she is a good, faithfull, loyal lover, but there is this part of me that i have to prove that too, and with my assumption being wrong, that assumtion being the one thing about her faithfullness that i bothered to understand and use as my basis for reminder, i am so confused and because of my emotions and shock and rage and frustration i can't think to figure her out any further, and because i can't come up with proof that angry side of me keeps seeing it as reason to blame her for my frustratration and take it out on her, and i want t know exactly what goes on and be a part of all that, but it goes against my personal code, and it's driving me crazy, my whole mind is contrdicting itself, my emotions are contradicting themselves and i am stuck fighting with myself just trying to get my head around it and be ok! crying cry