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love... love is.... hard for me.... i always learn something new about it.... it's such a confusing topic... when it comes to lust or desire, it is for me something... difficult to ... stand... being away from the object of that affection causes me so much longing and grief, but when i am with that person, i know that it isn't returned to me, and i know with complete certainty that i will never have it returned... skuld... lord vlad.... mother.... ok, maybe not mother, but she doesn't ... display it very openly... i feel locked out of something about her, and it hurts just the same as that dismissal or "granted returned affections." ... that same feeling of rebuke... either way i'm hurt. either by the needles being slowly stuck into me with each passing second that i wait and long for what i know i will never have, or by the constricting emptyness, that heavy emptyness...

when it come sto friendship, trust, faith.... that kind of love is so sacred to me. the most sacred concept ever. all that i care about i love as friends. it is in everything that exists to me as what i percieve to be "good" or "pure" or "holy" ... that loyalty that needs no proof. that you know that even if you know that they betray you you will hypnotize yourself into seeing it as your own fault for the sake of keeping your friend. because that is friendship. you believe no matter what that they do the same for you. for all i know maybe they don't realy, but it certainly feels to me that they do. ^_^ but even then, when they are not around, you feel empty. nothing matters if your friends are not there...

family love, that is nothing without friendship. if your family is not your friends they have no love for you, they don't mean to be for you... they don't care... blood thicker than water? blood is synonomous with water.

.... is this enough of a description for you people? in all it's forms love hurts. no matter what you do, to car ehurts. to have any desires hurts. but you choose whether to be "pure" as a buddha, without desire for anything, numb and dead inside, litterally beyond suicide, or else suffering forever for the sake of others. a martyrdom of sorts, but... i can't leave it. i don't want to leave it. i've been a jerk, i have no right to attack others for this, when i myself am bing such a hypocrit...