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Day #1
I must admit I have never actually written a propper blog before now. I have mostly written bitching or snide 'Blogs' on my bebo page about fights with my mum; not about how I relate to the world outside of the internet as I am sure this and the following blogs with be about.

Today's date is 01/06/2008 and the time according to my laptop's clock is 4.30PM.
Most of today I have spent in the internet. I say 'in' as in 'inside' because when using the internet I zone so far out of the real world that I do feel as though I am inside the virtual world of the internet.
I don't speak outloud and only 'lol' when it is appropriate. My breathing slows 'til I'm breathing at the same rate as when I'm falling asleep. I feel completely relaxed and yet 100% on edge ready to bite at my mum should she come into the room.
MSN is dead - Like everyone who I usually talk to is on just 'away' or 'busy' or something. Everyone's names will eventually come out. Cazy which is the nickname I will use for my boyfriend is currently online and we're talking about the HUGE jump to moving in.
If I am going to be honest here - which lets face it is the point of having a blog - well I am terrified that I even suggested this. I will proberly never forgive myself if I pushed him away by trying to do something the relationship is not ready for.
My life is filled with people - mostly faceless and somewhat nameless people on the internet. Of course there are people in my life outside of the virtual world - Family, Friends etc... But none that live close to me except my mum and Millzy who lives about 40 Minutes away.
Sometimes I wish so much that the decisons I have made up 'til now weren't what they were. Maybe I would still be in school; still be in Glen Innes and still be surrounded by legions of friends.
Even more then that sometimes I play a game in my head called "what if" which drags me further under the blanket of depression that is folded closely around me.
Call it 'emo' or whatever but I think it is the most normal and worldy emotion of all. Who can honestly say they haven't had a bad day where they just stayed in bed and cried? Exactly no one can. 'Emo' shouldn't be a stereotype because in the end everyone will end up as it.
But I'm getting off track.
I have started this blog so that I can share my story with people who I may never meet - So that I may touch others like myself with lives like my own and give them hope. I will be writing about everything I can - About my family, about my relationship, about my friends, and about my problems. This is my diary, my journal, the teddy I tell all my secrets too... And I would very much appreciate that if you read it you would please comment on it.
As I said before I have never written a blog before this one - and this is my last hope to be sane and to be healthy. To get my thoughts my feelings out there.

Yours faithfully
AnniieMechaniical