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So yes, it's the last day of school for my junior year and I was just randomly browsing gaia until I stumbled upon an old friend's gaia profile. We were friends on gaia from summer of 06 to early 07. He was the type of person who used to go online to spam the GD/electronik forum every ******** day. I met him through the electronik forums, he used to brutally tell off stupid n00bs and retards. Some of his famous quotes are:
"MACS ARE FOR ******** GIRLY-MEN!!!!"
or
"MUUUUDDAAAAAAFUCCKKKKIINNNNNPIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS" (Yes, that's where that came from..xD)

Anyways, one day, he just STOPPED going on gaia. Even his mules were dead. I didn't find it much of a big deal...but others found it strange since he was usually on every single day. This was over a year ago though. People say he commited suicide...I KINDA think otherwise. The weird part is no one from the old electronic forum clan knows anything really about him. I don't know his name....nor his age (im estimating about 18ish right now)...where he lives. All I know is his username (which I'm keeping unknown for now...some of you may know it though) and I know that he has a severe drug addiction.

So I tried to read his journal entries but they were always private. . .Alas, I randomly tried it today..and magically got in. When I opened it from a different window...they were private again..o_O
Anyways, I thought some of his stuff was witty & inspiring. Kinda reminded me of myself in a way. I'm just posting some excerpts to share.


Nov 22 2006
Clearin' s**t up.

I want to clear s**t up and show how I've matured and changed.
I am human, nothing more, nothing less
I was born in Sparrow hospital
I am Irish and German
I have never seen hell
I have learned to be more down to earth
My leg is entirly flesh blood and bone
Charisma is actually very useful, especially in political debates
I am one human being. A person. I was born of this earth by my mother and I am just like any other on this earth. I eat, breath, sleep, bleed, eat, think, eat some more, and I am made from the same chemicals as any other human being.
I have learned and grown, I am very proud to be what I am, human. Humans are the great things that both kill and maintain all life. Man has the power to build machines, one of the most beautiful things ever to be made by unnatural means.
Life is a beautiful thing, everything is made to work in a balance. The human body is entirely utilitarian, and yet perfectly modeled into shape. Life is mother earth's way of flaunting herself.
I sound like a ******** hippie.
I am not a hippie, dispite my poor hygine (sorry)
To be ruthless, you must be able to swallow your pride. I can.
Life isn't so shitty after all. Damn, listen to me... I sound like I'm on heroine or something... but hey, it's all true though.

Nov 26 2006
I'm that guy.

I'm that guy that you don't know

I'm that guy that doesn't care that you don't know him

I'm that guy that doesn't remember anything

I'm that guy that knows everything he never wanted to know

I'm that guy that OD'd on life

I'm that guy that got addicted than realized how much it sucked

I'm that guy that doesn't care that life sucks and ends up happy anyway

I'm just a rejected crayon that you've never seen before.


Nov. 27 2006
Playing Russian Roulette with Murphy's Law

Whenever I speak my mind, it's usually wrong, so maybe if I spill out all of the negative, it won't be true. It's worth a shot.
Everyone's life sucks but mine.
Everyone but me has everything wrong with them and they are the most miserable people in the world and I'm just there to make it all worse because I have no talent and yet I have a perfect life with nothing wrong at all, so I can't possibly relate to anyone else. I'm the richest person in the world and everyone else has it terrible in their lives. My life's so perfect that everyone hates me because I have what they deserve. I'm just so perfect and nothing could ever be wrong, ever.

Is it not true?
I said it, that must mean I'm wrong, correct?


Dec 7 2006
I feel like a Beatnik

So here I am listening to Download, wearing sunglasses 22:04 just to look at the bright friggin' Gaia screen. I feel rushed and I wish I wasn't rushed right now. This is just one of those perfect nights to be on the computer drinking coffee with sunglasses on for hours on end, even though I have practice early in the morning, have to defrag my cognitive files (that's what your brain does during REM), and such.

Anyway, I'm not content at the moment because I have to much stuff to do all jammed up into one little weekend. Ugh, I hate the winter too, I miss the warm rain and green plant life. I love to see grasses and weeds grow all over old rusty car parts. The earth hides many beautiful sights that exist only through machines work and waste. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I tend to lose sight of it a lot. Now that I'm surfing through my very vast favor of odd music.

Now if you pay close attention to the emotional flow of what I write, you can tell that I'm listening to various songs and artists as I go because of the sudden jerky mood swings in one journal entry. Also as the BPM goes up, there tends to be less detail in what I write because it sort of pushes me along and rushes me.

There are so many places I want to go to, even in America. The cafes, clubs, local restauraunts, salvage yards, scrapyards (there's a difference), the deserts, the mudflats, the hot western wastelands, where ever the hell the filmed Mad Max, et cetera.

I have this really annoying thing where my neck gets all uber-twitchy whenever I get a chill. Ghost traffic is up I guess.

Now I'm listening to Hanzel und Gretyl. Now notice how the words change.
********. I want to go get a cresent wrench the size of my shin and strap it to my boot or something. I can only count to four in German, it's been so long since I actually made much use of the damn thing. I like the sound of a boot well placed in the sand.
There's two blended sides of me, in a way. One is very angry, gritty, industrialized, lonely, anti-social. This side of me shows more when I am exposed to repetition, cruel atmosphere, heat, desolation. This side of me also enjoys the more raw, dark, militant industrial things. This is my usual attitude because of the mass-repitition of my boring patheticly plain life. The other side of me is actually more like a hippie with industrial music. Actually more like...hmm. . . Dywane Grottel from Skinny Puppy, only I'm not six feet under.

G'night evvvverybody!

Dec. 10 2006
One Little Pill

There is a pill that I can buy from someone.
When taken, I will be trapped in my own mind for up to eight hours. In this time there will be no time correlation. Once I am inside my mind, I must find several lost thoughts scattered accross my mind that have been deativated. If I fail, then I will have to scrounge up more cash for another tab. This pill is, for the most part, harmless with the exception of the exaustion caused by the extreme exertion caused by traveling about my mind. This little, tiny pill can fix everything or leave me traumatized for hours on end.
Just one...little...tiny...pill.

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide

Dec 18 2006
Funny Lines I came up with
"Hey emo kid, I bleed black too, but mine's oil, b***h!"

"'Drug abuse' my a**, how else should I do it, stuff pills up my a**?"

"Hey neo-nazi, do you know why I ripped out your small intestine, lynched you with it and attached jumper cables to your eyelids? Because now I can't find a good tall pair of boots at payless, you made WWII look trendy and, most of all, this is going to make one hell of an album cover!"


Dec 17 2006

I don't know why everyone tries to encourage me to succeed in life, it's not going to happen. No matter what simple command was put in front of me, I failed to do it. I don't have anything ahead of my in life to look forward to, so why bother. I've got no talent in anything, no skills, no experience. And you know what? If there were anything in the world that could save myself from my own failure, I couldn't have it. Someone's gotta take it all away from me. Don't expect much, I can't do anything that I'm supposed to do. This world, this very very small world I live in, that we all live in... I just don't feel like it wants me; like an unwanted child left in the road to die. This world only wants the things I can't give to it. I'm useless and obsolete. What can I do?


Dec 20 2006
It will never happen...|...neppah reven lliw tI

My life is like an inverted acid trip. I don't remember what's between point A and point B. One thing I have in common with a lot of people is that I want what I cannot obtain; Independence, control, freedom. All humans need contact with other humans to recognize their own psuedo-existsance. A possible sense of bliss. Something that I may never feel; Something that I need but cannot have. Suffocating on containment and restraint.

Humans are also very unstable. Do you know what happens when you try to bottle liquid acetylene? It goes bang. If you keep a person crammed up in a tiny box for too long, that person will get ******** up in the head. I've been trapped here in this shitty city for as long as I can remember, aside from small vacations scattered sparsly through out. I'm getting irratated by seeing the same people (who I don't even like in the first place) over and over and over at the same time in the same place. When I'm near those people, I can't feel any life in them. They're things. Lifeless objects.

I can tell when someone is worth my time. It's sort of a buzzing feeling down my spine when I look into their eyes. Almost everyone I know lacks this feeling. That is not everyone though, some people have a very strong, well-grounded presence about them. Those are the people I usually make freinds with, if not, I still aknowlage their presence.

due to an extreme lack of physical contact, I have developed a keen atunement to the feeling of a foreign negative electric current running through my skin. This means that whenever I come near something charged with static electricty or an ion field, I can feel the static electricity touching my nerves as a buzzing sensation in my bones, especially in my spine because that is the central nervous system.
I have become quite familiar with this sensation and it can be enjoyable in certain instances. For example: An uncharged human's fingertips contain a steady charge of about 4v of static (negative) electricity, very small. If you were to run your fingers along my spine, I would feel a gentle buzz in my nerves from the static. Nothing special. But if you were to have one hand on some source of static electricity and then ran your fingers along my spine, it always feels great.
One of life few small pleasures.

s**t man, I don't even remember what another person's skin feels like sometimes. It's been years since I felt anymore than a handshake (By the way, this also hints at why I tend to be withdrawn in public).

Dec 29 2006
s**t son...

I was in a gang...then I moved away.
....s**t son.

Jan 07 2007
Why I love being human

Man made Man
Man made Machine
And soon Machine will make Machine
Then Machine will make Man

Humans are the most elite and superior speicies on earth, we have they ability of inventing and customizing. Man makes machine, an inanimate object that can do work that man cannot. Humans are not only the parents of other humans, but the parents of machinery.

Jan 18 2007.... Skinhead

I was recently asked (indirectly) what my safe haven is. I answered him:

Quote:
I don't have any safe haven. I am always being tormented by the common duties of my blue-collar life. Every bit of hope that leaks out of my pores it soaked up by the sponge of capitalism. My life is like being in someone else's lucid dream. I'm not in control.
I have no reason to live, yet I push on with every fiber of my being to stay alive. I am the working class. I am the union. I am communism. I am skinhead.

Jan 22 2007
They're not real

People are not real. There is only me. Everyone else is simply an illusion. A delusion.
There is only one mind for one world. I am not learning anything new, I am only digging up old knowledge that always was. The more I knowledge I can access on command, the smarter everyone else appears to be. Some people are more prominent than others, these "people" are there to help coax the possibility that everything does not exist. They comfort me. Others are manifested of what I consider to be wrong. They are like AI. I feel to them as I would feel to an inanimate object, for that is what I perceive them to be. I control this world to a certain extent. It has laws that are set in stone: The laws of physics. The laws of life and death. So-called reality. These laws I cannot bend, But I can control my actions, and yet I have no control because fate has already planned everything. Perhaps I am fate, and I know nothing of my laws or what I am or what anything is.

What is anything?

Feb 1 2007
I saw...something so...I don't even know

I've been having this weird dream thing going on, but it's not a dream, it's like...a feeling. A calling. It might just be the spring fever getting to me, but I saw something amazing in my heart. It was so beautiful. The American deserts of Arizona, rocks and sand and dirt and sunshine forever. A powerful, beautiful feeling that I haven't felt in years: Freedom. There was music, but I couldn't hear it, no I didn't hear a thing.
I felt it.
It pierced right through my very entity and emotions flourished inside of me. Invisible colors were radiating from within. I felt like I was someone better, someone who I once was. It felt so good...I almost cried because of the overwhelming feelings. I almost shed my first tears of joy. It felt like...I became life itself. It feels like home. Somewhere that I can feel so warm, so safe. I've never felt something so touching in this whole life I've been wasting.

Mar 7 2007
I don't believe

I don't believe I can fly in the sky
I don't believe in the concept of weird or normal
Nothing is Taboo to me and anything goes.
I don't hate anyone.
The only thing I have to hate is hate itself.
No hope, care, need, desire. Only passion for a psuedo-existence.

I blame the GD.

Mar 23 2007
Touching

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "HOT DAMN, What a Ride!?"

E.J.HOLLINGWORTH

This quote caught my eye because it's talking about the same thing as what I've been thinking about for a little while now. I would rather die young from a fun life, than to struggle frantically to make my life longer.

April 25 2007
Machine Man

Rock 'n' Roll and big machines,
Coca-Cola and desert ground,
Piss in a pot,
it's all you've got.
The sound of diesel, a singular sound
Green means go, red means stop
It's what you're taught, never get caught
A new generation has come around
Your code lives in the wrench:
Make it run, make it go,
Make it outrun the po-po
You've got one life, better not waste it
You built it, you faced it,
You made it your own.
Your home is the road, and you've got company.
Better run fast, better run far,
Because you know you can.
They're after you, man.

Jun 13 2007
Woah man...I'm like...all happy n' stuff

I'm beginning to love my world and realize how vast it is. I can see the little things in life that I never really took the time to look at and notice how beautiful they are. Like the patterns in the leaves of the trees when the sunlight shimmers through them. And the orange glow of poppies, and the smell of warm rain.
...I love summertime....

Jun 21 2007
Song about my addiction
DIGGING IN THE GARBAGE... FOR SOMETHING TO EAT
SHAKING IN THE CORNER... CONSIDERING DEFEAT
EATEN FROM THE INSIDE... WORN ON THE OUT
PURELY ADDICTED... WITHOUT A DOUBT

NO LONGER A PART OF... THE LIVING WORLD
BUT NOW A ZOMBIE... POWERED BY ORANGE PILLS
LIKE BATTERIES...


SEPARATED FROM... SOCIETY
NO ONE WANTS... TO SEE YOU
AUTHORITY... SPITS... IN YOUR FACE
DRAINED OF HOPE... AND ENERGY

THERE'S NO TIME TO REST... YET I STRUGGLE ON

STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK... AND SOMETHING VERY SHARP
JUST TAKE A PIPE... AND END IT ALL
YOU ARE NOTHING MORE TO ME...THAN A WAY OUT

July 4 2007
My fellow Americans

America. Have you all forgotten the constitution? Have all of you forgotten who owns this nation, who in in charge? The government thinks they can keep us down. We the people own this nation, we own the government, and yet you people are eating out of the pig's hands, letting them step all over you. Your cowardice only makes them stronger. If we all stand up together, we can do anything, but divided we are weak. Those of you that will not stand up against the government are helping them control us. Those who will not stand up against oppression are cowards. Cowardice is why we haven't started a revolution yet. What are you afraid of? They can't do anything to all of us, WE OWN THEM. We call the shots, we make the choices. WE HAVE THE POWER!
The government want nothing else but to control everything, and control our very lives. Are you going to just sit there like a dumbass, or are you going to do something about it? Let's remind them who's in charge here!

THIS IS OUR NATION AND WE THE PEOPLE OWN THE COUNTRY, NOT THE PIGS'!

June 6 2007
Shut the ******** up! I don't need a ******** title!
I don't know what I feel like anymore. I don't know what it means to feel empty inside. I feel like I'm, not out of my mind, but my mind is out of me. I think of what I want to do and what I should do, but something other than myself seems to be keeping me from doing what I want. It's like an invisible wall keeping me out of reality, trapping me in a lucid nightmare that just won't go my way.
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