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The inevitable has happened. There was no avoiding this. NO AVOIDING THIS. I tried. I did try. But I could not escape the UNESCAPABLE.
So, yesterday, after I escaped from a white van leading me to the local insane asylum for crimes against humanity, I WALKED INTO THE INEVITABLE. Yes, Portal, by Valve. Surprising I didn't know about it for such a long time... I've been a bit disconnected with the disc-spewing money-munchers at Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo for a while now.

For those of you who live under a rock like me, I have some explanations.

1: GO FIND YOUR OWN ROCK! Jeez...
2: This game is awesome.
3: This game is something I'll never be able to play in a gajillion years. *sob*
4:This entry lacks the usual stock of emotes, strangly enough.
5: This game is unbelievably awesome. No, seriously. I had heard of Portal vaguely before, and shrugged it off as some shooter whatnot. Recently, I did some research out of boredom. HOLY HUCKYPOCK. I can't get it out of my head now.

So, the game laydown is this: You wake up in a white, sterile little glass box with a bed and toilet and desk. No cut scenes or anything. Throughout the WHOLE GAME. As you look around for something to do, suddenly, a loud and monotonous computerized, female voice welcomes you to the "Aperture Science Enrichment Center" as a test subject, and tells you the first portal will open in 3, 2, 1...
Two holes appear, one in your cell and the other outside. You run through the hole, and voila! you come out the other one. Eventually you get a gun that MAKES these Portals, and you run through 19 obstacle courses of increasing difficulty, guided only by the voice of this AI computer and slowly learning through close observation that something is very wrong...

The gameplay looks spectacular. SPECTACULAR. Just the levels of perspective you get through these portals... It's like Escher made a video game. The dialogue is also spectacularly funny, considering just two things in the game speak. The AI is the epitome of wry. but, I'm beginning to rant. Therefore, I'll spare you the words and bring you a video. Pass the lord and praise the ammunition. Be in two places when I'm nowhere at all. DON'T CRUSH THAT DWARF!


TL;DR VERSION:
THE CAKE IS A LIE

ASIIIIIIIDE from that, ONE WEEK OF SCHOOL LEFT UNTIL SUMMER VACATION. Whoooh!!!! I'm getting a summer job, too. I hope I don't suck at public servicing... gonk

EMOTES AHOY!! pirate pirate blaugh whee crying xd cry cheese_whine



emo