Lady Vampire Guardian
Community Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 @ 02:41am
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Loner
Ever since the end of school I feel so lonely. It is a hole even my sisters and brothers can't fill. They can help me forget about it as long as I'm in their presence, but when I get home I remember. Music doesn't help, in fact it only makes it worse. I realized today I miss him. I could call him if I wanted to, I do want to call him. The only problem is that there is nothing to talk about. We would just sit there and breathe, not even saying a word. It drives me nuts not seeing everyone every day. I miss all the talking of fears, hopes, dreams, love, hate, and everything in between. The only time I hear about Cameron is when Ash and I run out of things to talk about. We try to stay away from it and she knows I am trying to forget him. No matter what I do it seems as if the universe won't let me forget. The songs on the radio, my dress hanging in the basement, they are all peices of glass cutting my heart. I'm not exagerating or being dramatic. I do everything in my power to forget, but it is impossible, and I know it. I sit here and feel lost. Lost in this so called "love". People write made-up stories like mine, and in the end they always end up together. Forever loving each other, but for the first time in my life I doubt it will end that way. In the original Little Mirmaid, written by Hans Cristian Anderson, the prince chooses another princess, and Ariel dies. She dies in the morning sun, becoming a small patch of sea foam. If only sometimes I could disapear from the world. My story is just another to get lost in the great vastness of history. Even as I sit here now I can't help but wonder...Did he love me at all? Was what he sad a joke? Was it just a lie to get lost in time? Was what he said just said to be nice? Was this real at all?...I can't answer those questions myself. A couple of my friends are so sure that he loves me, but I don't that security myself. They have told me multiple times, that 1) he thinks about me 2)he loves me 3) he misses me when I'm gone 4)he tries his hardest to make me smile 5) he asks about me alot. I want to belive these things so much, but I doubt that they are true. How I wish so much that they were true. I sit and look at his picture, the only good one I have, and remember. Remember when things weren't so complicated. When things were so elementry and simple. Just like those who cut themselves, I reopen the past and hope that things will become that simple once more. I re-visit the pain. Everytime I go back it only hurts more, but I can't help myself. I have become addicted to Cameron's presence, but he is gone now. The only way I can satisfy myself is to remember. I don't know what to do about myself. It's only been a week. If I survive the summer, it will be a miricle. God help me. I felt secure around him. Like nothing bad could happen while he was around. Now it feels like anything that could go wrong, will at any second. The days don't seem as bright any more, colors look duller, music seems to contradict me. The music doesn't listen to my problems anymore, it doesn't care. My friends try to help me as best they can. I know in the end we will all be together fight all odds. They are trying to bring back the smile that belongs to me. I will always keep them in my thoughts and heart for all that they do. I will never forget this adventure we are facing, not a single one of us are left out of the loop. I love my friends as a friend for all that they do. I would never trade them for all the world, nor the memories we have together. We will always be there for each other. Always. I guess I will end up swinging my life away. It seems as simple as that. 
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