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My intuition tells me that something is wrong. Yet, I try my hardest to pretend that nothing is wrong. I'm lying to myself because I don't want anybody to know.
Writing this on gaia is so much easier than writing on my blog because it's safer...

Mother said that I have to stop hiding things from everyone because she knows I'm hiding things from her. I've never told anybody the whole truth. I never let anybody in. Even if it is him.

I don't dare to let anybody know me. To let anybody close to me. To let anybody in. Sure, I may tell you all my secrets but the truth is, that's not all of it. My deepest darkest secret can't be explained. It's myself. I'm hiding from the truth. I'm hiding from everything but I doubt that you'll understand.

Even, I'm telling myself that it's a lie. I don't trust. why should i when all humans hurt each other in the end? They hurt each other and worse, they hurt themselves. I can't even trust myself, so how am i to trust you?

The truth is...
I don't know anymore.
I love you so ******** much but...
sometimes..
sometimes, i feel that you're hiding things from me too...
Maybe, I'm hiding things from you... So that's why you're hiding it from me.

And now, you've just cut a deep wound into my heart. You're making me break into pieces...
You don't know how I feel...
You don't.
I know that you care. I know that you love me. But to what extend??
You queued up to get Angela's autograph for me. Yes, that I know... But...
Is that really proof of how much you care?

Or you're trying not to hurt me? Is that it? Doing the right thing?

I don't know..
Even worse, I don't want to know..
And that's not all...


There's more to it...
Why? Why at a time like this?
Why can't I have somebody whom I trust?

I have friends... Ami, Chinm, Ati, Eve, Man...
i realise that i'm closest to ami and chinm and eve. yet so distant...
i need them now... somehow, i just need to cry...