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The sphere is back! You know what that means... |
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That's right, Boys and Girls, it's time for me to do another Journal Entry! Whee!! Isn't it grand that every few months or so I can come back here, to this little website, and bawl my emo-a** heart out to the world? Of course, that's all to be taken sarcastically, but then again what isn't supposed to be taken that way that's coming out of my mouth? Yes, I post my thoughts and feelings where the whole world can see them. Those three "entry privacy" buttons down there? I just have mine stuck on "public" because I just don't give a ******** whether or not you want to read my journal. "Parental Advisory, Mature Content" should be slapped on my forehead, in bright black and white. Neon, of course. How you make neon black and white, I'll never know. Why you'd want black neon, I'll never care. How it would be powered? Well, you get the idea.
I failed just now. There's only one 'n' in her middle name... She can remember my middle name just fine... Why can't I remember her middle name? Why can't I spell her god damned name? It's not like there's any other names that should be important to remember! Why can't I remember that it's just one god damned n?! That pisses me off, too! I mean, seriously though! There's absolutely no reason that I shouldn't remember that name! And she gets all sad and disappointed in me, with every right to be that, and I can't do anything about it! I can't make it better! I can't be any better! I'm not perfect!! But I try to be. I want to be. Why do I want to be? Do I think it's going to be any better if I was perfect? No. Do I think I'd have more power if I were perfect? No. *sighs* She forgives me, she says. But that's not what matters. What matters is that second of disappointment, that thought that lightning-bolts across her head that reads "What? Can't remember my name? Thanks a lot, Kairi..." Oh, wait... >.> Wrong game.
And now I cling to her like I'm some sort of weak-minded girl... I'm not! I'm not a girl! I'm not supposed to be this weak! Damnit, I'm supposed to be strong! I'm supposed to be able to support myself! I'm not supposed to have a tender side, much less show it to anyone! And what, what next? Oh, "It's alright..." Yeah, just what I need. Just what I ******** need now. Grr! Why can't I be the person I want everyone else to think I am?
No. I can be.
I will be. I will be the strong person I say I am. And you know what? I will continue on with the sheer power of my mind. Of my will. I can do that. I will do that. The road must eat, it must feed... No! Wrong story. I can help her up because she stabilizes me. I can let her lean on me because I'm always leaning on her. I don't know if she knows it or not, but I need her just as much as she tells me she needs me... Maybe more.
Okay, so that was one line of thought. But even as I type this sentence here, the ball of pressure in my chest is building again. Okay, so... That means I'm not done yet. But what is there to speak of? What is pissing me off in the world today? Of course, I could talk about my mother. My god damned mother. But... What could I say that I haven't already said before? She's moving again. I could see that one coming a mile away... Of course. I mean, anyone who's ever talked to her could tell that one a mile away.
But maybe I thought that her husband would have changed that too? No. Apparently not. Apparently, she's still U-haul happy. >.< God Damn it, mother! Just pick a place and live there! Is that too much to ask? no, because this place is too small for the stuff, and our bedrooms share a wall. Not like it's really my bedroom. His computer desk and computer, her futon slash bed thing... With all her god damned stuffed animals arranged in a nice, pretty pile on there. Because I'm such a Nice ******** Guy, I'd end up sleeping on the god damned floor if I ever spent the night over there, which she keeps insisting I do... "Why don't you stay and play your game longer? You'd have to spend the night, but still..." "You're going to have to eventually..." "Why don't you just spend the night and go home tomorrow?" WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE, YOU GOD DAMNED THREE BREASTED WHORE??!? That's what it is. That's what pisses me off so much. It's my god damned mother. Not her man, not my life, nothing like that. Her. It's all her. She's the reason I want to scream and bite the heads off of small animals.
Am I supposed to feel better about it now that I've typed it up in some ******** blog? Am I that ******** retarded? Hmm? I feel like such an emo p***k for having to do this. I feel so stupid for typing this up. But there's nowhere else to do it... There's no where else to write it down. I don't want to ask for my journals back... I don't know if she's going to ask for her journals back.
Okay, so now I know what's ailing me. Now I know. It's my mother. Ms. Hinshaw-Riddle. I read that one just before I started typing this one up. Now I know what her last name is... ********. I wonder if I'm going to be like that one South Park episode where they counted the number of times everyone said "********..." That would be funny... I wonder if I could beat them? I mean, I'm not going to just go around saying the word "********" for no reason other than to rack up the counter... I mean, that's just ********' ridiculous! Okay, maybe just the one ******** time. Two! But that's it! I'm ******** serious! >.< God damnit, okay... Just go with the ********' flow. Humor... Humor is the best medicine... "Remember that when your appendix bursts next week!"
Classic quote right there. Words to live by. And now for something completely different. She calls me her "Dragon King..." I mean, I've played those roles, but I don't really think I'm fit to actually be a Dragon King. That's a big responsibility! I don't think I'm ready for the immortality of a Dragon, the power of a King! I would squander it! I would do something really stupid, and everyone would come to kill me for my "dictatorship" and "Ethnic Cleansing" "Me me me me me me me"(both said in whiny housewife voice) What-ever... Like I care about you, stupid people. I'll have you all WIPED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH, LIKE THE SCUM YOU ARE!!! *maniacal cackling inserted here*
...See how irresponsible I am? You don't want me as your Dragon King. I'd just ******** up everything. Unless... You WANT everything ******** up!!! I could do that, if that's really what you want... I'd take Foamy's advice. That, in itself, should scare you. Foamy's Rant... What, Four? Five? The All Snuff Channel, baby! Dedicated to removing one a*****e from the planet every thirty minutes! I'll even get Johnathan Ian what's his name to be personally involved in every show.
*sighs* Okay, I guess you've heard me rant for long enough... My hands might not be weary, and my chest still aches with that same sphere of pressure... But at least I'm not pissed off at you all any more. I guess I can handle a bit more from the world now that I've vented a little bit. Thank you for listening...
John Cameron
 Thorn the Mighty · Fri May 09, 2008 @ 06:48am · 1 Comments |
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