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I was going though my Gaia friends.
And I came across Amanda's Gaia name. Amanda T. Use to be my best friend. She was very important to me. I loved her death. I miss her so much... I think about her a lot when I'm sitting up at my computer unable to sleep, I think about just how much I miss her. I don't miss the Amanda she is now. I miss the Amanda she use to be. The one that was my best friend. I don't know, maybe she is happier now, the way she is, and thats fine. but I will never be able to look at her in a way I use too. I miss the Amanda who use to RP with me, the Amanda I use to wrestle with, and who seemed much more to be around than this... new almost imposter-like Amanda. I don't know. I just miss her.
I can't help but think about the changes that some people go though. I go though plenty of changes, and I sit there, dwelling on them, for the longest time. my eyes staring off, into nothing as I think about all the things around me that have changed, sometimes for the good, and sometimes for the worse, but I think I'm happy who I am right now. Don't get me wrong, I wish a few things would be better off, I wish my weight size was down, I had more motivation, and I wish that I wouldn't put myself down so much, but really I like to think I'm at a fairly happy point in my life.
I have friends, I have the friends that I need. I don't want a lot of friends, its too hard to keep track of them all, and it's too hard to try and please everyone. But that doesn't mean I don't like meeting new people.
I'm slightly obsessive over everything around me. I like to be obsessive I think, to fill a void. A void I'm not exactly is missing there, but I'm still feeling that I need to fill it. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but that's how I feel.
I think I dislike things around me to a certain degree too. I think that I might be afraid to get attached to something, because I'm afraid it will leave me, yet at the same time, I am obsessing over that same thing.
I am easily annoyed, I hate dealing with things, I hate having to get things done. If there is a way that I can avoid anything at any rate, I will just at the chance. I don't like feeling stressed, but I put myself in the middle of stressful situations.
I am afraid of taking showers when I'm in the house by myself. They scare me, every noise I make, sounds like it's coming from someone else, or something else. It bothers me, because I like showers sometimes more, than baths, which I sometimes have problems taking when I'm in a house by myself too.
I think I just might have a problem befriending guys. I don't know of a single guy that I know really well, or that I would just walk over and hang out with. I use to hang out with a bunch of guys when I was younger, but now, most, if not all, of my friends are girls. It feels weird when I think about it, but if I don't dwell on it, I don't even see anything about it that would be weird.
I think that I smell bad all the time. I feel like when I go to sharpen my pencil that people are staring at me. I hate my physical appearance, I love the color of my eyes, but I hate everything else about them. How one of them always seems a little off compared to the other one. when I stare at pictures of myself, I stare into my eyes, I try to remember what I was thinking at that time, but I never can remember what it was that was going on in my brain when I took that picture. I sometimes can't even figure out if I was happy or sad in it.
I don't know what else I can say... I feel like I haven't finished speaking what's on my mind, but my mind has just been swiped blank.... I will just type random setentances or poems that strike into my brain now....
What do I expect from rain?
I expect to hear the pattered droplets of water
from every corner in my room.
I expect the cold to fill the void inside me,
and for once make me feel normal.
I expect that I will stare out my window,
wondering just how long it will last.
I expect to walk though it,
singing, dancing, dwelling, or simply standing in it.
I expect the sun to not show.
it's not it's time to shine, so it shouldn't show it's light.
I expect it to be windy, I expect the wind to rush past me,
almost in what would be called a cloud of smoke.
I expect my eyes to grow wet with tears,
becoming one with the tears of the sky,
so we can cry together...
and understand each others pain.
that's what I expect from the Rain.
I like the word dwelling, because it's such an important word to me.
Time is only as long as the holder lets it be....
I want to be the one thought about when you head to school, work, or anywhere else.
I can't help but feel that something is always missing, and I'm felt searching for what it is.....
 Savvi · Sun Apr 13, 2008 @ 10:48am · 1 Comments |
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