Dear Dayan,
Life is so strange isn’t it? Especially when God's love is involved. 7/11/2007 at 11pm I was a hopeless sinful human. For three years I had been depressed, I had been suicidal for about a year. I was an Insomniac for six months. I hated everyone and everything. My life was going into a downward spiral, first slow, but then it went down faster and faster. That morning was another fight with my parents, one of the long list of hurtful arguments I had had with them. I was not only hurting myself but also the people I supposedly loved the most. This fight in particular was different, its like they had given up. My parents had given up trying to tell me what was wrong with me, trying to tell me I was not right. They just sat there as I screamed in their faces. They just sat there with blank eyes; I could feel the coldness of not being able to. They just sat there with blank eyes, I could feel the coldness of not being able to sense their emotions their emotions. My heart literally sank in shock that they did not react to anything I said. I wanted them to scream back at me, I wanted them to hurt me, physically maybe, I did not care, I wanted them to hurt me. I wanted to know that someone still cared for me even if their care was care to hate me. I screamed loader, and cried harder, I tried to find the most hurtful things to say so that I could pick at their hearts. But they just sat there staring. Finally my mom spoke, but they were not the words I wanted to hear, infact they were words I never expected. For a long time I had subconsciously believed that a parent’s love was forever. But finally my mothers spoke in a cool manner though I could still see her hold back her tears. She said, “Chandni, I just want you to know that God told me that he was giving up on you, if you don’t change your attitude…” at this point she was crying. I was beyond shock. How could this happen, It had not dawned to me that what I was doing was so sinful it was pulling me away from sin. It was like I knew but I did not understand. But my heart was still full of rebellion. I refused close the argument with my fathers prayer. I bolted to my room and locked the door.
 The Mad Cheshire Rabbit · Mon Mar 24, 2008 @ 06:47am · 0 Comments |
