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God, what do I do now? I feel almost as trapped as lady probably does right now... what are the risks... if she could tell me, what would she say? She would want me to do what I wanted, most likely... She would tell me she loves me, and that she wants to go outside, but... She can't! We can't keep her like this forever, and we can't miss all of our classes to make sure that no one would ever find out. Last night, I could pretend that she could possibly live with us - that it has always been this way - and that she would be content and behave herself.... Sleep in our beds, and keep us company when someone went away... It's almost soothing yet too painful and sad to have her with us. Did she really think this through when she brought her up her? That I would have a change of heart and throw caughtion at the wind? If it was just myself at risk, that would be an entirely different thing. What is the price I could pay? If we were to be evicted, then none of us would have ahome and we would have to pay at least one thousand dollars. I'm sure lady would get used to the sounds in time, but she's never lived inside of an apartment complex before...

So what do I do? If we can give her away to a friend, it would be okay... And we would still have some say in her future if something was to come up. If we could convince my sister to take her back, we would have ato buy a little doghouse for her, buts he always gets out of her chains... She won't just stay if she's outside and I don't know how she would fair at her age. It's not like she's a burden, she's a very sweet, loving dog. I don't... I don't think that I'm asking for a lot... On the other hand, if we give her away to a place they can hold her, I don't know how much money that would cost. And I don't know if lady would be okay all caged up. She's always been free, never inside a cage, literally or not. In a way, it's almost as if she's in a cage right now but it's almost content and yet bittersweet because she does not have the freedom of going outside. It's painful. If we give her up for adoption at a place were they don't put dogs down, she'll receive care and hopefully go ato a home where she can be outside.. but...

I'm not mature enoguh to give her away.... she's... my lady. She's my ladybug. No one else knos her lik I do. Will they know how she likes to be petted, and that she is afraid to take bathes? Will they know that she gets along with children, yet she is afraid of them because she doesn't want to hurt them? That she would make a good mommy, but she could never have puppies? Or that she loves kittens, but kills rodents? Or that she likes to play fight/razzle? I'm sure these things could be learned in time... But she's my Ladybug. And my mother used to call her a 'bear'. She likes to go outside and run around free - but she cannot. She snores in her sleep, and she wimpers when she has dreams. Sometimes she'll have accidents, but she's a sweet dog. I.. I just can't imagine myself giving her up.

Is there really a price I wouldn't pay to keeph her here with us? And if we did have to give her up for adoption.. I don't think that I could get another dog. Lady is like my daughter or a sister to me. I love her so much... I never... really realized this until this had come up.. And until the reality hit me of the entire situation, my heart had been sealed away for its own protection so that I could get my school work now. Now that it's staring me in the face, I'm afraid.. I just want to be with her, and make sure she has a loving home. But at what cost? She can't go outside... and if we get caught, there are dire circumstances.

What is the best thing for her?
Will I remember everything.. will i remember her slightly grey puzzle.. Her two ltitle black A"eyebrows" and her slgihtly curly tail.. Her poointed ears and her soft dark eyes.. The black mark on the middle of her forehead? How she sheds, and the shedding is always the worst just before summer.. The way her fur feels, all of the different sounds she makes, like her breathing, snoring, gutteral grows and her wimpering? Could I ever possibly remember it all? And the memory will never be good enoguh; and it could never mend my heart.

I woldn't want to get another pet. I don't want to replace her! No one could replace her.. she's.. been with me for nine years. I can't give her up like that. I just pray it all works out in the end, and no matter what, God will look over her. .. She has never done antyhing wrong... And she is mroe than a pet to me. I love her so much. I wish I could protect her, and more than anything i feel like I failed. I am responsible, as her mother. Why can't...I do what's best?

I cannot see clearly because my heart aches, but.. maybe, just maybe... things will really work otu for the better. And maybe someday, a long time into the future, I could find myself willing to get another pet, another family member. But it wouldn't be the same. They would be different, and things would be different then. I will never completely get over lady... Maybe in twenty years, I don't know. My heart aches thinking abotu it..

What is the right thing to do?

God, forgive me. I have failed my most precious friend and daughter... my pet, and my guardian... please... forgive me.. and watch over her.. even when I cannot. I will always love her... ever since she wa a small puppy.. I never would've known how many tears I would shed; but... I wish I could do anything to make things right. And now...

Is it to late?... I'm sorry... please forgive me lady... I failed...