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Kung Foo Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a
residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did
I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns
and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile
shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of
me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the
road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast,
but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I
hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a
squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for
the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can
take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was
standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with
steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at
the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the
scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking,
heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot
straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the
chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would
have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of
activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding
gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry
little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down
a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a
squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a
few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength,
I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running
into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have
done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should
have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept
yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL
MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and,
with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump
and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his
rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also
managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not
improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was
startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the
throw, only having
one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have
one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is
very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the
pavement.


The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I
screamed in.. well.. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather
glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a
quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of
death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody
murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other
hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really
did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car.
Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my
brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back
brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big
cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant
NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got
INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way,
he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed
intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on
the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the
moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather
glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large
puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face
helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand . I managed to grab his tail again,
pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I
could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled
off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down
to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome
cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and
wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one
wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his
strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...


I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the
front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to
a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross
street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have.
Really... Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem
interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment.
When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were
flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back,
doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away
from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing
in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well,
I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery
from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the
back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous
squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol
car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn
signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately
left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new
pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.