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Blackpanther93
this is a story....not real if that isnt obvious already

she stepped into the chilly night air. Sensing that someone else was out there she moved cautiously around the corner to find herself facing the barrel of a gun. one move and youll just be a part of the wall hissed the stranger. seeing as she had no choice but to obey she calmly leaned against the wall while at the same time looking for his weakness with her inner eye.finding that he was no danger lorrie relaxed not caring that she was in the dark with a stranger who was pointing a gun at her face.she knew that she could stop the bullet before it even left the barrel.she laughed to herself at the last thought.the stranger jerked his head up and stopped pacing. "whats so funny? do you think this is some kind of joke?!" lorrie laughed again saying, actually, yes i do ....she pushed herself off the wall and walked towards him. Whats your name?
mike....why do you want to know?
oh... just out of curiosity. well mike... why do you still have the gun pointed at me? im completely harmless.
no you arent...i know exactly who you are...you cant fool me! i had orders to hold you hostage until my boss shows up and that is exactly what im going to do.
hmmmm...he didnt tell you much about me did he? what if i suddenly vanished like this? *appears behind mike* So ....how do you plan on keeping me hostage?* folds her arms*
"I dont know..... how did you do that?"
"What?"
"Disappear and then show up behind me..."
"You actually think im going to tell you that?!" she says incredulously."Wow they certainly dont choose their people for brains do they?"
lorrie stared at the ground and mutters something under her breath. almost instantly vines start to wrap around his ankles and legs. he starts panicking and digs in his pocket for his cell phone but is stopped when the vines reach his waist and start climbing up to his torso. he screams before he is engulfed in the leafy mass. lorrie made sure no one was coming to investigate before chanting the binding spell and to stop anyone from finding out who she was and what had happened she quickly said the memory spell so that mike wouldnt even recall being sent to find her. she stood up and brushed the dirt off her jeans and made her way back to the lecture hall to be greeted with blank stares and hostile glances... what took you so long? she turned to face her best friend jessica.
oh....i just had some business to take care of. Dont worry about it...
fine ..we'll talk about it later.

* later on sitting at house *

so what was the problem back at the hall?
just another idiot hired to find me....
happens to you alot doesnt it? i really dont see anything that special about you....i have the same powers as you....
yeah but im better...
you taught me!!
*jessica ducks as shoe is thrown *

go away i dont want to talk to you anymore...why dont you go home?
this is where i live!
oh yeah....hehe sorry
so...whats the plan now?
i guess we wait until something turns up...*shes interrupted by a knock on the door*
ill go get it...dont worry.
*opens the door*
hi how can i help you?
would you please step outside with me for a moment?
it depends on what you want....
its fine ...i promise no harm will come to you.
if you say so....*steps outside and closes door behind her*
so ....what do you want with me?
i came here to warn you...
about what?
ill get around to that soon enough.
ok...
first i have to tell you aren't as formidible as i thought you were...
ok so what did you want to warn me about?
ah...yes about that...you might want to tell your friend to be on guard from now on.
why?
because they are going to try and hold her as ransom in return for you....
wait...how the hell do you know this and why are you telling me?
number one...i have the gift of sight and number two ...my fate is tied with yours.....




ok thats the start people....tell me what you think so far ...anyways ill write more when i have ideas and i have no direction for this story so pm me w/ suggestions if u want to!






User Comments: [3] [add]
nara_clan_sibling
Community Member
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commentCommented on: Sat Feb 16, 2008 @ 02:33am
i love it its an awsome start keep it up


commentCommented on: Sat Feb 16, 2008 @ 04:30pm
this story sounds pretty good right now.I'd probably add a little more background to your story.

if i may say,The best stories are the ones that follow a narrow subject line. What is the point of your story? Its point is its theme. It's tempting to digress, but in a 'short' you have to follow the straight and narrow otherwise you end up with either a novel beginning or a hodgepodge of ideas that add up to nothing.

and Have a clear theme. What is the story about? That doesn't mean what is the plot line, the sequence of events or the character's actions, it means what is the underlying message or statement behind the words. Get this right and your story will have more resonance in the minds of your readers.

you seem to have a good deep solid introduction,you just got to incorperate it into the story deeper.
Like think of it this way,when you read a book or such, you don't just start of (reading) like this:"she stepped into the chilly night air. Sensing that someone else was out there she moved cautiously around the corner to find herself facing the barrel of a gun."

you start of with a interesting hook. to capture the reader,and make them read on. do you understand what im trying to say? feel free to mail me for help if you need to.

its pretty good though.

-Nikolaus smile



AfterMidnightTranqility
Community Member
nara_clan_sibling
Community Member
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commentCommented on: Tue Feb 26, 2008 @ 11:30pm
i love it thanks for using my idea wink


ninja of wolf song
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User Comments: [3] [add]
 
 
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