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01. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.

02. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it
very often.

03. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

04. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

05. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

06. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance.

07. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.

08. A person who is nice to you but rude to the
waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It
never fails.)

09. For every action, there is an equal and
opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport
picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the
mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts
when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the
dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw
away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted
on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the
ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the
reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve,
its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost
neverwant you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never
find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see
an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL
believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try
something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group
of professionals built the Titanic.


"Seize
Tomorrow!"
Motto of the National Association of
Procrastinators