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What amazes me really is that a few weeks ago when I went to the Big Island, I felt a miraculous change in my personality and character. I felt independent, assertive and most of all, free.

But right now, I feel like a little ball of nervous tension. When I am in my classes, things are all fine and dandy. I feel alert and ready to learn. But as soon as I leave the campus and go home, I just feel alone, miserable and restless. Negative emotions and memories just bubble and simmer in my mind and it is just difficult to release them.

My muscles are tense and there are times where I can feel my entire body just shake with nervousness, anxiety and unrest. And even if I release some of that energy through exercise, it just doesn't seem enough.

I, like any other person, know what's the heart of the matter. Or rather, the reason and cause of my state. There are some people to whom I really should talk. About their feelings as much as my own, if only to truly have a sense of closure. I wish I had the nerve to actually tell them how I feel since I know it is probably the only way to settle my nerves.

My problem, and those who know me well enough, is that I hardly, if ever, speak up for myself. I let things slide on by until gradually, these little things keep building upon each other and I explode into a fit of emotion.

That, I suppose, is a better description as to how I feel right now. I'm a bubbling pot with water that's about to boil over. Not necessarily with anger, mind you. With anxiousness, really.

And lately it feels that all of my friends are running to me so that they have someone to talk to. I love my friends dearly and, as an Aquarian, will say that they are an integral part of my life. But it seems like I have to actually tell every single one that as an Aquarian, as a person truly, I belong to everyone. And yet to no one.

One of my fears is that, while I know all of my friends cannot get along seamlessly with no ripples or waves whatsoever, they will end up pushing me away because they figure I should "spend time with others." Either push me away, or demand that I take some personal time for myself (and spend it with them, my cynical mind thinks). I want to be loyal to everyone so it breaks my heart, and yes, my soul, when it feels like I have to choose. What hurts even worse is when people tell me that I don't have to choose. That there is "no pressure."

Oh yes there is. Because I want to be there for everyone. I don't want there to be a doubt in anyone's mind as to my care for them. Lately it feels like there are rifts, and really there are, between those I know and it just bloody hurts.

I understand I can't please everyone. And really, I should be concerned with pleasing myself. But how can I possibly do so when I hardly have an idea as to what will make me happy? What I do know makes me happy is to make other people smile and laugh. But the problem I am also facing is: How far is too far when it comes to providing such happiness?

It also feels, and I know I have talked about this before (you'll come to realize that I tend to repeat certain issues... one may argue that I have a single-track mind... others may argue that it is because these issues are never resolved), that I bend over backwards for people, and yet, while they do make me happy and do do things for me, it never seems to be at the same level or depth or distance or whatever other measure you can think of.

Yes, I realize that this is now the idealist talking. The idealist and perfectionist in one, I admit. I do accept the ones I love and know for who they are. And yet, as all of us are prone to do, I can't help but see the flaws just as clearly as I do their amazing gifts. I am going to go ahead and say that our generation in this day and age just lack the emotional depth and receptivity as people used to. People just don't give a ******** anymore.

It's "dog-eat-dog," or "I don't have time for this s**t," these days. We lack the patience and, arguably, the compassion to help others. This... has been, more than ever, apparent to me recently. I suppose it's just another factor to my depressed state.

We all hurt and we all seek a listening ear. The only trouble is that we exert so much time and energy into finding this and yet, we hardly give thought to providing this to others. And when I say "listening ear," I don't just mean the act of hearing a bunch of words and getting an overall jist of things. I mean really listening. The sort of listening that causes your heartstrings to stir whether the words be a rant, confession or tragedy.

My heart really feels like a bird trapped in a cage. It years to be free, and yet, it is enclosed in the physical rib cage. I realize I'm just delving into poetic words now (and not even good ones at that), but there is no one out there who can deny to feeling that way.

I know that these things come and go. Our emotions are a constant flux and will never cease in its mutability. Unfortunately for some of us, these little bastards called emotions are felt in extremities. Such drastic extremities that it is impossible for us to ever feel calm and relaxed.

It's because of this "hot and cold" streak that I've decided to liken myself to a compress.