This letter is dedicated to my best friend, cebatary. this tells the tale of her fallen friendship with her ex-crush, D.H. My best wishes to her. I hope I captured her feelings correctly.
Dear You,
The summer of ’05, I left school never knowing what I was walking away from. I never realized that I was walking away from a friendship that would change forever. It never occurred to me that you would change so quickly while I wasn’t looking.
We were so close. I knew that I could always count on you no matter what. Our phone calls stretched from mornings to late afternoons. My secrets and dreams and opinions—there wasn’t a thing that I didn’t feel like I could tell you. Had you asked me to give you everything, I might’ve done so. I found myself falling for you, falling so hard and so fast that I couldn’t grab hold to any train of thought.
Maybe it was my feelings that changed you. I don’t really know. I tried to suppress it, tried to keep it buried inside of me. I admired you and looked up to you. I wanted so much to squeeze into your heart and make a home there. Maybe it was a selfish wish but…I wanted to understand you. I wanted to know what you were thinking, wanted to see into your mind and analyze every thought.
I wanted to ease your pain. Seeing into your mind was like sampling a drug. It was addicting and tempting. It was mesmerizing and intriguing. Although it make sound foolish but I wanted to taste your pain. I wanted to know it and make it go away.
Why were you so lonely? Why couldn’t you see the people around you, see how many people loved and care for you? Why couldn’t you see how much I had cared for you? I don’t understand how you could SEE so much with those dark, brown eyes of yours yet be completely blind to the obvious. Ironic, isn’t it? You had everything you were looking for but you couldn’t—no, WOULDN’T—see it.
A part of me wonders if you wanted to be alone. How could I possibly think anything else when all you do is push away anyone who tries to get close to your heart, anyone who tries to even sympathize? You close your eyes, close your ears. No matter how many times they reach out, you pull away. Always, always, always—when will you ever stop? When will you see?
“You pushed us into this friendship…” That’s a load of bullshit. If that was how it was between us, then we weren’t friends at all. If that was how you felt, why did confide in me? Why did you let me see into your heart? Once, you told me that “hate” was too strong of a word to use. In memory of our “friendship”, I “strongly dislike” what you’ve become.
I suppose it was a blinded friendship. Stupid me, I placed you on pedestal and fooled myself into believing that you could do no wrong. In a way, this was my fault as well. I told myself that you just needed someone to listen to your problems and everything would be fine. I suppose it was stupid of me to forget that people change. It was stupid of me to trust in someone the way I trusted in you.
You came back after that summer and I was looking at a stranger, a beautifully darkened stranger. No one saw the changes in you but me. You sank into yourself, disappeared beneath the waves of your own depression. In a way, it was like watching someone drown themselves in an ocean of their own tears. You could’ve saved yourself but you chose not to.
I can’t help but feel a little disgusted with the both of us. I’m disgusted at you for tricking me into believing in your lies and masks and at myself because I let myself believe it. There was no point in speaking to you anymore, no point in trying. I can’t help you unless you want to be helped. Would I sacrifice my own happiness for yours? Would that be right? No, it wouldn’t.
Sometimes, I find myself regretting our meeting. I regret all those times that you fooled me. Do you realize how you made me feel? Every word you said to me now feels like listening to a cassette of lies. They play in my head again and again. Each time I ask myself the same question: how could you have believed that? I have no one to blame but myself.
I didn’t love you. I loved the person that you lead me to believe that you were. I loved who I thought you were and it seems that this flaw as my downfall. This person that you are now seems surreal and warped. It’s too different than how you were before.
Honestly, I doubt we could be friends again. You’d just pull me in the way you did before. More lies, more pain, more sacrificing—I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the same girl that I was before. It’s time that you realized that I’ve changed too and that the only person I can give credit to for that is you. It was you who changed me. It was you who taught me how to see.
For that, I can’t move beyond ‘strongly disliking’. You showed me how to see past my feelings and acknowledge a person’s true nature. You taught me where my limits were and that I can’t sacrifice myself to help someone else. There’s still a thousands of questions I have yet to ask and that you have yet to answer. But with time, I’m sure that we’ll find our answers.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. One day, you’ll find that special person that will open your eyes and show you all the things that I wanted so desperately to. I know better than to expect a friendship from you so for my last act as your friend, I’ll let you go. All I can ask for in return is your forgiveness. I’m sorry for not being able to forgive you for the things you put me through.
Goodbye,
ME
the cheese to my macaroni Community Member 
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