Hey readers!!
I'm just chilling at home, doing nothing. Gotta wash the dishes soon stare . That's okay because I'm in a good mood.
I went to the mall with mastersakura602 and we had lots of fun. We went to go see Stardust and I thought it was really good. Now I'm on a mission to get the DVD as soon as it comes out. We took professional pictures too. They were okay but we are supermodels. LOL.
I joined a fantasy writing contest but after 3 pages, I reached a flaw in my story: clothing. I am a writer who goes into intense detail, answering every question a person could ever as in so many words so I'm looking for potential clothing options. I got bored and stopped. So much for that! LOL. blaugh
There like a few more weeks until school gets in and I'm more nervous then I've been in a long time. What's freaking me out? These dreams I've been having about school. I imagine getting lost, kidnapped and harassed. And then my friends go off and date each other!! In each one of my dreams I'm either set up with Orlando Bloom (which is so totally NOT gonna happen) or one of my best guy friends (i.e Dylan, Sean etc.). It's scary!!! xp
I'm not afraid of going to school with people wh don't know me. I make friends pretty quick, you know. But I'm gonna go to school with people I DO know. I mean, they've already judged me and I don't know if they like me!! Well...I'll explain. In my science class, I have classmates who aren't in ANY of my other classes. They "know" me (like know who i am) but they aren't my friends. And next year, all those kids I couldn't fit in with before are going to SURROUND me. Sux, right?
That's only part of it. I don't think I've ever told anyone this but I don't actually think I'm smart. In fact, I feel really really stupid. My friends and teachers are all like "ooh, you're so smart" and all that but I don't feel like I am. I read someone else's work and then I feel all "omg, that's brilliant" or "oh man i had the same idea". And then when I walk into my science class with all my genius classmates, I feel like crap. Like I'm retarded and in the wrong class or something.
*sigh* I don't know. There's a lot of stuff that I want to admit. Like, how when I think about it, I never really wanted to be with Keoni. I just liked having the idea of having a boyfriend LIKE him. And how I hate myself for crying over it because it really wasn't that sad. And how I totally wish I was brave enough to tell the real person I liked how I felt about him when I had the chance. And that I'm scared that he won't talk to me anymore because we're in different classes now. And I hate that I can't ever be as pretty or smart as some people. And that I feel helpless when I see someone cry. And when it rains, I want to cry for no reason at all.
There's stuff that I don't even know about myself. I doubt everything that I do so much that I feel like there's no use in trying cuz it can't get better. Do I really want to be a doctor? What do I really want to do with my life? Can I take of myself when my parents are gone?
Then there's some secrets that I want to scream out loud but every time I open my mouth, all that comes out is...air. I don't actually show how I feel because I'm scared of being "weak" or being "hated". People will say something mean and I'll laugh i off even when I want to cry. There are somedays that I go to school or I wake up and I feel like total crap. There's times in the day that I just want to be left alone but I'm also really afraid of being alone.
Things move too fast in my head. When I zone out and get all quiet, there are a million things running through my mind. Sometimes it feels like I'm watching myself behind a glass wall. Happiness lasts until I'm alone and then all my demons come back again...
LATER GATOR, I've got some thinking to do...
the cheese to my macaroni Community Member 
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