Hate me today
by
Amnesia nymph
by
Amnesia nymph
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Natsuki lay on her bed, even though it was already late she still was wide awake. The events over this day simply didn't seem to leave her mind. She had known Shizuru loved her ever since their first encounter but until now she had never realized that those feelings weren't one-sidded. She loved Shizuru as well but, now it was too late. Today she had officially ruined all her chances with the brunette. She had tried to explain towards Shizuru how she felt but everything had come out the wrong way.
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
Eventually they had ended screaming and yelling at eachother. Natsuki couldn't even remember what they fought about. But she knew she had treathened Shizuru all wrong. The brunette had done nothing besides love her and how had she repayed her? She pushed her away, broke the girl's heart and even though she had done those things and more, Shizuru still stayed her friend and supported her in everything, asking nothing in return.
(What Happened earlier this day , flashback)
Midori sat on the edge of the bench that stood in the middle of the park looking at Mai and Mikoto who were both talking about something. She smiled to herself. Those two would make such a cute couple, it was too bad they hadn't realised it themselfs.
''Looking at them again ?'' Suddenly a voice came from behind her causing Midori to look up at Nao who stood behind her leaning against the bench also looking at Mai and Mikoto.''You know, If I didn't know any better i'd say you were obsessed with them.''
'' Don't be such an annoying person, go bother Natsuki or something.'' The other muttered earning a short glare from Nao. To be honest Nao didn't feel like annoying Natsuki anymore. Maybe it was time for them to grow up. After all it seemed Haruka and Shizuru had done the same thing after all that happened. They were no longer HiMes. They now were normal people again, this was something they had always wanted though Nao felt kind of sad about it. Ofcourse she wasn't willing to admit it to anyone.
'' Mhh..'' Was all Nao said before looking back at the orange haired girl who was now trying hard to pull away from the tight grip Mikoto was giving her. And then she did something Midori had never seen before.Atleast not in this way. Nao smiled, not the smile she always had , the fake and evil one but a real smile. It seemed Nao had some feelings after all.
'' Why are you looking at me with those eyes ?'' Suddenly Nao asked when she noticed Midori was staring at her. The other girl who still sat on the bench just shook her head letting the other know it was nothing and with that she looked down at the ground wondering why she felt so strange all of a sudden. Maybe it was the fact Nao was actually being nice for once or maybe it was something else, who knew?
''Whatever...'' Nao whispered as she started to walk away but stopped when she saw a blue haired girl and a brunette walk into their direction. It were Natsuki and Shizuru. Both had different looks and expressions on their faces. Natsuki seemed to be embarressed since Shizuru was holding her hand tightly. It wasn't hard to see Natsuki felt kind of attacked when she saw Nao look at her with the same evil smirk on her face which she also had when they fought against eachother a few months ago. When they still were HiMes.
Nao tried hard to fight the urge to annoy Natsuki by saying look our lover birds have arrived. But she managed to choke that comment down and instead of that she just smirked and started to walk away ignoring Midori who was yelling her name.
When Nao was out of sight Natsuki turned to look at Midori with a questioning look on her face.''Why are you still talking to that person, she has been nothing but annoying and not to mention mean to everyone around her.'' While she was asking the question she tried hard to shake Shizuru off who held a sad look on her face, which ofcourse, went unnoticed.
''Don't be like that, you were there when Shizuru tried to kill Nao, you heard her story. She's just like everyone of us, we may not be the exact same person with the exact same feelings but I know there's more behind that cold facade of Nao, we just have to break through.'' Came the reply of the girl who still sat on the bench.
Natsuki seemed to hesitate with her reply for a moment.''If you say so, I still find her annoying.''
''You protected her from me that day...'' The voice of the brunette next to Natsuki came.''You know, the day I lost my mind and tried to destroy everyone's child for...you.'' Natsuki nodded but didn't answer anything. She had indeed protected Nao that day, she didn't know why though. Yes she still felt like she and Nao had a lot in common but she didn't know why she had wanted to risk her own life in order to save Nao's. Maybe it was something the other girl had said, maybe it had been the tone in her voice but whatever it had been it was in the past now and she still had gone back to dislike Nao with the same passion she disliked Nagi.
''So you two are dating now?'' Mai's voice interrupted the conversation. They all looked up at the orange haired girl who stood in front of them. As always, Mikoto stood next to her.
''Me and Shizuru ?'' Natsuki asked, knowing it was indeed her and the brunette Mai had meant. Mai nodded.''No we're not dating, Shizuru already explained she lost her mind that time, her feelings for me were caused by...'' This time it was Natsuki who got interrupted by a familiar voice. When they turned around the look who it was they saw a woman stand there.
''You really believe that yourself Natsuki, you must be very naive.'' The woman said. Shizuru seemed to get more red than she already was with every word that was spoken.
'' Sister..'' Midori stated with a smile before turning to look at Natsuki who was fighting the urge to turn around and walk away like she used to do all the time.
''Well Natsuki, do you really believe everything you hear, when will you start following your heart?'' Sister asked curious even though she knew Natsuki would only scold her for this. Not to mention how embarressed Shizuru looked.
''Save the crap for someone who cares.''The blue haired girl muttered.''Maybe Miyu is interested in hearing stories about following your heart.''
''I wasn't telling a story Natsuki, open your eyes.'' Came the reply.
''I'm standing right here, can we change this subject please?'' Shizuru asked, hoping they would drop it.
''No, Shizuru you can't keep everything inside forever, just...'' Mai started but got cut off by Shizuru.
''Ah I just realised how late it already is, I have to go...I promised Haruka and Yukino to, uhm help them with something...important.'' And with that she started to wander off, leaving the others behind with smirks on their faces. The only one who had a concerned look on her face was Natsuki. Could it be that Sister was right?
''Since when do Shizuru and Haruka hang out?'' Mai asked.
''Since when does Haruka even let Shizuru come near her, or in this case, help her. They are always so...'' Midori started but stopped when she saw the look on Sister's eyes. After that she stayed quiet. So it was true after all, Shizuru did still love Natsuki even though she was aware of the fact that Natsuki didn't share the same feelings.
''Don't act so smart Midori.'' Mai's playful voice came.''We all know you have to sort out some feelings for a certain girl yourself.''
In shock Midori gazed up at her friend with a questioning look on her eyes.''What? Huh? Who?''
''Nao...'' Natsuki whispered before she started to follow Shizuru.
--
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
''Shizuru wait up!'' Natsuki yelled after the brunette who stopped walking the minute she heard someone call her name. When she turned around it was obvious and clear to see she was trying hard to remain herself from breaking out into tears.
''Yes, is there something you'd like Natsuki ?'' She asked with a sweet tone in her voice, but it showed its cracks.
''We need to talk Shizuru, about...us.''
''Last time I checked there was nothing as in 'us', so what would there be to talk about?'' The brunette stated, she felt confused and hurt but she didn't want to show the blue haired girl that.
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space
''That's because there's no us atleast not in the way you would like. Shizuru, yes I admit I care a lot about you, I won't deny that but my feelings just stick to friendship...Not love.'' Natsuki whispered. She hadn't realised how hard it would be to tell the girl in front of her this. After all it was the truth, then why did it feel like she was lying?
''I know.'' Shizuru answered in the same whispering tone Natsuki had just used.''But you could try to be a little more understanding towards my feelings, I can't just make the go away. I've tried that but it takes time.''
Natsuki gazed up at her friend. It was so out of her own character but at the moment she felt like crying herself. She had never been able to handle this emotions after the death of her mother. Usually she tried to run from confessions and that stuff but this time, she couldn't move. It was as if she was paralyzed.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
''Then why Shizuru, why?'' Natsuki asked, it was almost inaudible but clear enough for the brunette to hear.
''Why what?'' She asked, not quite understanding what Natsuki meant.
''Why do you keep making me feel guilty about it?'' Natsuki yelled. ''Why do yuo keep looking at me with those eyes and why can't you just stop being around me so much. I can't take it anymore, everytime you're close to me or everytime a boy comes near me you scare them away, but you're scaring me too.''
''I'm scaring you?'' Shizuru repeated. What the hell was Natsuki talking about? ''How am I scaring you?''
'' I don't know!'' The other yelled. She didn't even know what she was saying anymore, she felt confused, like crying but most of all she wanted to hold Shizuru. That was something she had never felt like doing before. All of a sudden it hit her, those strange feelings she was having, everytime Shizuru touched her. She just had been too blind to see it. She was in love with the brunette.
''Well fine, if I scare you so much Natsuki, then maybe it's best for us not to hang around eachother anymore. You know I care for you and want nothing more to see you happy, even if that means letting you go.'' With that the brunette turned away and started to walk.
'S-shizuru...please don't leave...' Natsuki begged. She had wanted to say it out loud but her lips just stayed pressed together. Nothing came out, nothing was there to be said. Nothing. All she could do was watch Shizuru walk away.
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
(End flashback)
Natsuki closed her eyes at that memory. After she had watched Shizuru walk away she had just stood there for a few more minutes before she started to walk back to the park where the rest of her friends were. Thay all asked where Shizuru was, but she hadn't answered any of their questions.
Still, later that day she had spoken to Mai about what happen. All the orange haired girl could say was that she had no idea what could be done to make Shizuru come back or how to make up with her. Then again Natsuki knew Mai already had her own problems, she knew the girl was worried about Takumi even though Akira was with him. Mai and Takumi had been together since, well as long as Natsuki could remember. It must've been hard for Mai to just see him start to make it his own way.
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
She was shaken out of her thoughts by a loud knocking on the door. At first she thought it was Nao who would come here to make her day even worser. But when she opened the door to her room she was suprised to see Haruka stand there, looking at her with a furious look on her face.
''Listen Kuga, I don't know what you did to upset Shizuru so much but you crossed the line. Even I wouldn't ruin her as much as you did. And don't say you had nothing to do with it because I know you are the main reason for this mess!'' The blonde yelled before slapping Natsuki across her face.
''W-what did I do, what happened, is Shizuru okay?'' Natsuki asked, feeling worried and guilty all of a sudden without knowing why. What if something happened to Shizuru?
''I don't know what you did and I don't know what happened but I know this, something it terrible wrong with her. She was walking through the halls of the school looking like an emotionless doll, with empty eyes and she didn't even bother to show me how 'much better' she is than me.''
''You know nothing Haruka, just get lost. I don't feel like listening to your ramblings, go bother Yukino. Isn't she your usual victem?''
''Oh keep your mouth shut, you just look as terrible as Shizuru, see I don't care what happened between the two of you and we're not friends, I know that. But no one deserves to...''
Haruka got interrupted by Natsuki who slammed the door closed again. Haruka had no right to interfere with this. But it was a good excuse for Natsuki to go visit Shizuru. She could say Haruka visited her, sounding worried. Not that Shizuru would believe that Haruka was actually worried about her but, it was worth the try and after all, it wasn't exactly lying. Was it?
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so ******** far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
With that thought on her mind she turned around, took her coat and put on her shoes before opening the door again. Much to her suprised Haruka still stood there. Annoyance and anger was clearly written on her face.''How dare you closing that door right in...''
''Oh shut up, i'm doing as you said, or atleast what your point was in me doing before you got carried on in yelling at me, i'm going to visit Shizuru, happy?'' Natsuki interrupted the blonde. Haruka simply was speechless and just let Natsuki brush past her.
--
When Natsuki arrived at Shizuru's room she hesitated for a while. Could she really go through with this, what if she wasn't ready to confess her feelings towards the brunette yet? After a few more minutes of thinking about reasons for not having to do this she decided it was now or never and softly knocked on the door.
It didn't take long before the door was opened, revealing a very sad looking Shizuru. The brunette didn't seem suprised at all with Natsuki's midnight visit.''How can I help you, is there anything you want?''
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
''I want to come in and I want you to listen to me.'' Natsuki stated. Her voice betrayed her real emotions though. She was scared, nervous but most of all she was feeling like throwing up. She didn't feel alright anymore, all her will power just drained out of her body.
''Well i'm not stopping you.'' The brunette replied in a cool and reserved voice as she stepped aside for the other to enter.
''Thanks...'' The blue haired girl whispered and right after Shizuru closed the door behind them she broke down into tears.''Make it go away Shizuru...''
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
The brunette actually got worried now, this was the first time she had seen her friend like this.''Make what go away, Natsuki...what's wrong.'' She asked concerned. She held her friend close to her as Natsuki hide her face in Shizuru's shoulder.
''This tension, this grudge, this everything...I want everything to be like it used to be, I want to see you smile again, I want you as my friend...no, I want you to be my lover. I love you Shizuru! I love you!''
For a moment the brunette wasn't able to say anything but then she softly pushed Natsuki away from her.''How can you do this to me now Natsuki, why now? It's too late, don't you see it? Today was the last time...I've tried enough, I'm not a toy you can push aside and when you decide to want to play again you take it out of the closet. I still want to try to become friends...''
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”
''No, Hate me.'' Natsuki whispered as she wiped away her tears. She realised how stupid she had been these past few years, but it didn't compare to her stupid actions of today. She would only hurt the brunette, no matter what. And yes, maybe she and Shizuru could regain their friendship again but they both knew how they eventually would end up.''Hate me...'' Natsuki repeated as she looked around. The walls seem to close in on her and Shizuru seemed to be pulled away from her into a dark hole. Or it was Natsuki who got pulled into the darkness, she didn't know. But she did finally know that this was best for both of them. She hoped...
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
