Dear Readers...
I have some....strange (and somewhat happy) news for you... I think I've fallen for my ex-crush again. OMG, itz just like the title. My heart is beating so hard right now that I can't think straight.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess itz because I forced myself to fall out of "like" with him. I mean, I really believed that he would be the key to my.... pain? I guess thatz it. I was afraid to get hurt. And you know what?
I still AM afraid. Nothing scares me more than letting myself trust a guy with my heart. I can give easily give my heart to my friends. Everyday single day, I go to school and I give them my heart. Thatz because that I'm not afraid to love them...but to give to my heart romantically...
Thatz a scary thing for me... I mean what if I'll just end up hurting and crying again just like before. Sometimes I wonder what I might've been like if that other guy didn't hurt me. Would I have been happier? More trusting? But I know that I can't ever undo the damage. I'll never forget the humiliation and pain that I went thru. I know that I won't ever be as trusting as I was before.
But right now, my heart refuses to let go. I tried to pull myself away. I tried to lie to myself. I told myself that he was just a guy, someone who would break me. I told myself that it wasn't fair to Kimerald and that she deserved him. I put myself down everyday and even tho I told my friends that I was too good for him, I felt like it was the other way around.
Itz been such a long time since I've felt beautiful in a guy's eyes. My last boyfriend ended in such a dramatic way. I'll never be able to look at him and not see the guy that I had once had feelings for. I will never forget all those happy times that we shared, the secret smiles and jokes. It hurts but I wnat it to be gone. Or to at least move farther back in my mind.
But I have this chance now. K. Waio is a good guy. Girls, especially my friends, see him as a player. That scares me too. I mean, I appreciate the warning but itz a little intimidating to see guys as sly tricksters. They say that he's unfaithful and his eyes wander around. But he's never cheated on a girl. And he's never broken up with one just to hurt her.
His friends and my friends say that we're a perfect match. But can yo blame me having my doubts? Everyone teases us and we're always denying it. Of course we would cuz he's got a girlfriend... I don't want to interfere with that and I won't risk my heart over something I can prevent...
But my heart and my mind are in tangles. Up and down and left and right. Nothing seems to be real and everything seems to be a mirage. So what should I do? My heart is choking me, torturing me everytime he makes a move. My head is saying, "NO, DAMN U!!"
Recently, it doesn't seem that "friends" is enough for either of us. And thatz a little scary too. Proposing to me, secret smiles, nvasions of personal space, flirtatious events in class...itz going too fast in one direction.
I don't think I'll ever be okay with this. I don't think I'll ever be...Idk. Itz complicated. I just can't think when I'm so flustered. Besides, my face is sooooo red right now. I don't think I can write about this much longer. For those of you who haven't caught onto my feelings just yet....
I used to like K.Waio.
The I went to D. Stone
Then back to K.
And back to D.
Stayed on D for a while
The jumped arounf to others...
And back to K.
Still on K.
Don't think I ever really got over him....
But tried to stop. Really!!
But didn't.
Pretended to move on.
But couldn't.
Dammit dammit dammit.
I still have a few waning feelings for D. Stone. But I know that itz useless. Itz so easy to see that hez totally for Lizette. Besides, I'll always be his "little sister" in his eyes. Might as well move on w/ my life.
Kimerald--He was yours first.
I guess that right now I'm thinking of you....I don't want our supertaculous friendship to suffer cuz of this. You're my best buddy for life!! Keep that in mind becuz you are so important to me!!!
Kathx3--
If there is any opinion that I regard highly besides Cebatary's, itz yours. U r so blunt with ur advice. I'm never confused wheN i'M W/ U. OK, maybe sumtimes. But you r very important 2 me also. If u disapprove of me and K., I will isten 2 u. Don't ever doubt that. Even if it seems like I dunt listen.
Cebatary--
AH!!! My truest, bluest friend!! I value our bond more than anything in da world. There is NO ONE that I trust and believe in more than you. I listen more than you think i do. Ur my other half and my confidante. I wish we cud stay thsi close forever!! I don't ever wanna lose you.
My face is tooo red right now...so here r my final questions...
1] How do u feel about me and K.?
2] What is ur advice?
3] Promise to be my bbf for as long as your soul lives?
4] Do you think I can trust him?
5] What kind of guy do you see him as?
6] Should I take the chance if it cums?
7] Will you be there if it isn't a dream c** tru?
the cheese to my macaroni Community Member 
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