The Date

• Artist: StrawberryMangoIceCream
• Description: This might become a series, so if you like this please tell me and i will tell you what happens next!!!! This was literally just a spur of the moment thing: i made up a name (Mika) and wrote.....stuff. Hope you like this! Hope i can write more "chapters"!!!
• Date: 03/18/2009
• Tags: date

Mika awoke to the smell of bacon and burnt toast. She yawned loudly and looked at the clock. 9:14. After pressing the snooze button several times, she found it impossible to get in a comfortable position and rolled off the bed. She yawned again. I was so nervous about my date with Joey i couldn't sleep, she thought. But then again, i never was a morning person. She changed from her soft wool sweatpants and T-shirt to the outfit that had been carefully laid out and picked by her yesterday. It was the perfect outfit for the outdoors Italian restaurant her and Joey were going to: a normal black t-shirt, accented by layers of chunky green necklaces, a not-too-short green skirt, and green and black knee-length socks with the perfect pair of white tennis shoes. Obviously, her favourite color was green, and she'd been able to make an outfit that showed it. Perfect, Mika thought. Now, i have an hour until i drive to the restaurant and meet Joey. Joey didn't pick the best restaurant, even if it had the best food in the country. It was a two-hour drive to get there and the food prices were laughable. So what, thought Mika. Joey is so cute and he's always nice to me. Mika's worrysome thoughts were interrupted by her father and mother yelling in unison: "Mikaaa! Breakfast's readyyy!". Mika shouted back "Okay! I'm coming down!". As she ran down the stairs and sat down quickly, her father plopped a dry-looking piece of burnt toast on her plate and gave her a sheepish look while her mother handed her the platter of eggs, bacon and hashbrowns. Only an hour till the date, Mika thought. Only an hour....

Comments

[vv7722]

You did a good job expressing the awkwardness that a girl might feel before her first date-- good job with that part. There were, though, a few errors in grammar, etc. and it would've been much better w/o the changes in point of view.
3/5, you made it sound very realistic. Just proofread next time before you submit. :]

[00Genious]

The story was okay, but it shifts from firstperson to second person view. The conventions were horrible, and I shuddered to read such a sloppy and disorganized "chapter".

The "chapter" should probably be longer, and sectioned out into paragraphs. The content was slightly boring, and extremely dulled by the lack of sentence fluency and word choice.

The voice of the story might be okay as long as it's edited into either first person or second person.

I'd give it a 1.5, but I can't.