• Humans have always thought that life in the future would be better. Science would fix everything and life would be carefree and peaceful, like the Jetsons. They would all fly around in flying cars, have a cure to aids and cancer, and bacon would be healthy. Well they got it all wrong. Take the flying car for instance, they are highly impractical. In fact they have been banned completely since the great car crash of 3090.

    This occurred during the New York traffic jam of 3090, where about half a million cars were gridlocked in the skis of the bustling city. As you can imagine, the damage was catastrophic. The crash was started by a fellow by the name of Jake Jensen, who bumped into the car in front of him which resulted in the most amount of casualties inflicted in an automobile accident ever. The folly of the flying car is that if your car stops while in the air well, you’re ********.

    The citizens of New York realized this as half a million cars rained down from the heavens like brimstones of the apocalypse. This incident caused massive controversy in New York, the world, and colonized mars. Not because of the enormous amount of casualties, but because thousands of people were unable to come to work resulting in the Mega corporations losing money.

    For in the society of the 31st century, profit was everything and money was God. Communism and all forms of socialism were abolished and replaced with capitalism. Mega corporations ruled the world in this age of hyper capitalism and they knew it. Companies got so rich that they could buy entire countries, which is why Canadians can only shop at Wal-mart.

    “All work and no play make jack a successful and happy boy” was the motto of every company, school and church. What defined happiness in the 31st century was buying things and buying things were made possible by money. In a rush to keep up with joneses, people worked day and night to attain material pleasure and lead a happy life.

    Which ironically made everyone, very, very unhappy, “the screw the rules I have money” attitude society of the 31st century left little room and time to make friends. People were either in your way or there to help you make money. This created a generation of unfeeling and depressed people, which lasted until 3199 when the headpod disaster, ipods installed in your head, caused a group of twelve people to speak out and fight against the mega corporations and taught people to feel and love again.

    However, this is not a story about those people, this is about SweaterFriend production code # 177832, or as he like to call himself, Stan. Stan was a Robot of sorts, he was basically a smart computer built into the shape of a durable and wearable Sweater and sweat pants combination. In his hood were fiber optics that allowed him to see and small speakers that made it possible for him to talk. In his sleeves were small knives and laser weapons. The 31st century was a dangerous place, well it wasn’t but people were paranoid.

    Stan was a Wear-A-Buddy, which were clothes which had Artificial intelligence and were able to talk and hold conversations with people. Wear-A-Buddies were made to fill the void of real friends. Since the people of the 31st century were too busy, too narcissistic, or too anti-social to make friends. People did make friends, but friendships rarely lasted in the world where people were expendable and not worth as much as money. The thing that made Wear-A-buddies so great was the fact that they could not desert you.

    Since they were clothes, Wear-A-Buddies could not run away or ignore their “friends”. Well they could move, Wear-A-Buddies also provided butler and protected their owner, but every Wear-A-Buddy had an explosive installed inside just incase of a rebellion. The Terminator movies taught humans to fear A.I.
    For most Wear-A-Buddy products, their “life” began in one of the many sweatshops in Northeastern Canada where they were woven by sweatshop workers. The clothes themselves were made out of quality bat wool and enhanced with various chemicals to ensure longevity and so that they never need to be washed (people these days don’t have time to waste time on washing their clothes.).

    Then the weapons system, bomb, and A.I chips were installed and the products were shipped worldwide to desperate and friendless folks.
    In the case of Stan, he was shipped to San Jose, California where he spent many a day talking to his fellow Wear-A-Buddy brethren. He gazed at the shiny and emotionless Wear-A-Buddy store and watched the various people walk in and purchase the friend they so desperately needed. He talked to other Wear-A-buddies and debated philosophic subjects that were pondered for centuries before him; what was the meaning of life, why are we here, who made us and why? Fortunately for Stan and his compatriots, they answered their question rather easily and the answers were: 42, to be bought and be friends to pathetic humans, Wear-A-Buddy Inc. and to make profit.

    Of course humans may find these answers not as fulfilling as Stan and his friends thought they were.

    While spending his days hanging from a coat rack and watching people come in and purchase his friends, something clicked in his A.I chip; his life was not all that great. One of these days he was going to be bought by a human, and these humans were not very pleasant. They had to buy a friend for god’s sake, they were self absorbed, smelled like cheese, and wore suits all the time. Not a spark of creativity. And once they were through with him, the socially challenged ape who bought him would throw him out and by another “friend”.

    Throw him out! For all that Stan could possibly do for the Humans; they would just throw him away like trash! The very thought of this disturbed Stan so much that he wiggled on his coat rack in despair. He wiggled so furiously that all the humans who saw him in the store ran away in girlish fear and the storekeeper had to put him in a box, set it on fire and throw it out the garbage chute.

    When he clawed his way out with one of the knives that were installed in him, Stan was ecstatic. Sure he was cover in Trash and slightly burnt, but the important thing was that he was finally free. Free from the humans who expected Stan to be their friendslave. “Hah! Not anymore you dirty hairless apes!” cried Stan in defiance of his Human masters.

    In sheer ecstasy, Stan danced around while Thin Lizzy’s “jail break” played from the stereo headphones in his hood, but then he stopped dancing. What to do now? He was free but the humans would never let him live the life he wanted. He would never truly be free from the humans of this era, but what about another era? An era where he could blend in and live with a human that wasn’t self absorbed and obsessed with money.

    “Hot dog! I got it!” exclaimed Stan, “I’ll just take a time machine back to the 21st century! All I need to do is find a time machine.”

    And in the 31st century, Time Machines were abundant. Ever since being invented in 2998, Time travel had been a lucrative business, people loved to travel back in time and experience historical events for themselves. Although this put many a historian out of a job, which led to the great Historian coup to kill the creator of the time machine, luckily since all historians are not as cool or as strong as Indiana Jones, the were easily all slaughtered in combat.

    That and it was not possible to kill the creator of the modern Time machine in the first place, Otto Mack, known to his children as “mack daddy”, created the time machine so he could go back in time and see how the universe really started and show those damn Christians that the earth was created by science and not God. Unfortunately for him, he found out that God created the big bang, reverted Adam and Eve to apes forcing them to evolve, and single handily created science. He just didn’t put it in the Bible because no one likes Science, too boring. While studying dinosaurs in the Jurassic era Otto was killed when he was devoured by Raptors. Think of Captain Rhodes’ death in Day of the Dead but with dinosaurs instead of zombies. To this day no one knows if God made that happen.

    But this did not matter to anyone or Stan, the time machines were still here and making money, and making money was one of Stan’s problems. Being a product to be sold, he never had any money.

    He pondered this as he clawed his way out of the garbage chute, which was difficult due to the lack of hands, but after a few days in the gray, smelly, and hobo infested garbage storage, he made it to the streets of San Jose.

    The streets were paved with gold, literally, the process of replicated gold had been perfected in 3001, cars run on Martian gasoline whizzed by him and depressed looking corporate tools in suits walked to their jobs in hopes of one day being rich enough to boss around other tools. The sidewalks and road ways were fresh and trash free, all trash and other undesirables were rocketed to Mars.

    Stan gazed around at the futuristic, shiny, but bland city. All the buildings looked the same and were built with giant tv screens implemented onto the sides of the buildings. Those few lucky enough to have a window view office were forced to look at other tv screens on other buildings. Ads and tv shows bombarded the senses of the 31st century person. Creativity dulled and numbness set in, all feeling except for greed was left.

    But not Stan’s, he was going to escape this nightmarish world; all he had to do was rob store. Stan had concocted a plan to acquire some money, robbing a store. And what store you may ask? A Wear-A-Buddy store.

    It was the perfect plan to escape this pitiful era and get revenge on the people who would sell him off like a slave.

    “Alright, all I have to do is find that wretched store, maybe free some of my brethren, gather some money, find a time machine, and go relax in the 21st century where the music doesn’t suck” Stan said while he looked around for a Wear-A-Buddy Store. He soon found out there were currently five in the vicinity.
    “God damn humans; I’ll never understand why they do these types of things.” Said Stan disapprovingly as he checked his weapons supply and thought about which store to rob, “I mean there is two stores on the same street! The same god damn street, and look at that! Two StarBucks next to each other, are these apes really that lazy?”

    But the stupidity of these people would no longer bother him, for in a few minutes he would be out of here, he thought as he walked tensely toward the Wear-A-Buddy shop closest to him, which turned out to be the one he came from, a sign of good luck and that this job was going to turn out well.

    “Okay you hairless dirty apes! Put your hands up and hand me the credits! Do it now!!” Stan yelled as he entered the store in a dramatic manner and used his integrated laser blaster on the cashier’s obnoxious looking beret.

    “Oh god! Don’t kill me! Please!! Please!” Cried the cashier who also happened to be named Stan and who at this moment finally realized that life was not all about money.

    “Just give me the money and we all walk away from this happy and not dead, you got that ape?” Stan said calmly to the other Stan as he inched closer to the credit deposit.

    “I have so much to do! So many things to experience! It can’t end like this! It can’t” cried Stan who at this point starting weeping uncontrollably and made everyone in the room feel awkward.

    “Didn’t you hear what I said? Just give me the money and we all get to go free.” replied Stan trying to console the blubbering Cashier.

    “My mom never loved me!!” Blurted out the other Stan whose shirt was being drenched with sweat and tears.

    “Okay what does that have to do with anything?”

    “I think my uncle touched me when I was a kid and no one ever paid attention to me in school!”

    “Listen kid, I ain’t your therapist, just give me the credits and I’ll leave” Sighed Stan tired of the cashier’s whining.

    “Everyone leaves me; even you’re going to leave me!”

    “Of course I’m going to leave you! I’m a god damn robber, now I see why my company makes friends for you pathetic humans.”

    “I knew everyone hates me! WAAAAAAAAAH” Shouted out The other Stan in despair and like his Wear-A-Buddy counterpart, he stared to wiggling wildly.

    “Wow that is annoying, now I see why they set me on fire.” Said Stan while he stared at the undulating Man-boy and transferred the store’s credits into his virtual wallet.

    “I’m leaving now, and well I wish you luck ‘Call me Stan’, and for God’s sakes get a change of pants.”

    And with that piece of advice Stan walked out of the store and walked into the street towards the nearest Time Machine, which was shaped like a TARDIS and had a picture of the 100th Doctor beside it for advertising purposes.

    “I think today’s my lucky day!” exclaimed Stan with an air of unfettered optimism.
    He was then hit by a truck.