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lots of alternate items hidden

because i found a hot boy. Who'da thunk it?
Meh. I ono I feel awkward and out of place.

Like Everytime I'm alone.. i keep wanting to talk to to.. someone (a specific person yes) No, not scottie boy.. tho i wish sometimes.

Ack it's annoying how I never feel like I'm alone because I'm always with someone in my head.. but then i feel so alone be cause i hardly every talk to them. Ack. Life sucks. And then again it's great.

oh.. and if I ever had a reason to KILL MYSELF it'd be now....and then again.. the exact opposite. ACK!

Thursday was memorial. I dodn't say boo. I thought of it monday.. but i was too afraid.. tseday and wednesday were the same. DAMN ME! Oh wait, i already did!!!! The worst thing is that i'm not two years old and can't ask "does god still love me" because I know he does. It's worse than if I thought he hated us. At least I'd have something to hang over my mother's head.

And then again, now is the perfect time to change. I still have a lot of life to live, and I shouldn't end it because i'm too afraid to do what i need to, because that won't help me in the eyes of god either. I might as welll live my life and wait with the possibility of saving myself rather than end it now and doom myself to eternal sleep. And then again sleep sounds like such a comfort.

To be unaware of everything around me, not able to think about my pety problems. No homeowkr when your dead. No college applications, no robotics. And then, tehre's no love when your dead. All i'd do is doom my family to a life or aleast a year of sorrow. Which would suck. But then again I'm dead. i don't see how come less people kill themselves.

it's such a comfort.

So easy

and in this world of tomorrow we have the ability to kill someone completely painlessly. just have to use theright chemicals.. or do it when they're asleep. Just take a few sleeping pills.. and tehre's nothing else to it.

it's not messy, easy, cheap, and you can do it anywhere.

I could kill myself in so many ways it sometimes screas me. Just go in the bathroom and hang myself on the top part of the frame of the shower.. I could even use my own hair.

I could swallow some of my mother's expired codine.

I could electrocute myself in a second. Use a car battery, don't let go, and I'm gone.

Suffication would be painful and hard, but possible with a plastic bag. Kitchen knifes look attractive

Cut out my own tounge and bleed to death in the bathtub.

And then there's all the ways you could be killed by accident.

A piece of metal from the truck in front of you on the highway coming through the windshield and piercing your brain.

A bit of bad meat.

A horrid illness

An asthma attack


For me the creepiest are things that have to do with the eyes and neck/head

A fast moving scrap of metal in the eye.. probably not deadly.. but if it was my right eye.. i'd be legally blind.

Thinking about going blind in my right eye really scares me. i mean I shake when i think about the possibility. Because I know what its like and I hate it. I guess I was traumatized in kindergarten from having my eye patched during the day. Everytime I tried to write I couldn't get better. i couldn't enjoy anything. I couldn't see people. and I could barely recognize my own mother.

And when I realized that having a foggy/frosted lense in my glasses was making me see the world in pastel.. I cried. I'm gonna cry right now.. Just remembering what it was like to find out that that old blanket wasn't faded.. it was a bright red, but you were never allowed to enjoy the bright coors most children saw. Everything you saw had to be faded and foggy.

If I poke out my right eye.. what's the worst that would happen? An infection? that could be helped. I'm not allergic to antibiotics.

I could quit school. I wouldn't have to do botball crud or pe because I wouldn't be able to see

I could still enjoy egypt because everything was engraved.. and I always wanted to learn braile.

I wish I was blind in my right eye.

Maybe I'd get a helper dog.. I've always wanted a dog, and that would be the only way i'd be allowed to have one.

Or maybe I should hope for deafness.

I like sign language. I don't like music enough to miss it much.


Ah
and now i realize the reason I'm writing this stuff.. is it really for me? or who ever will read it? That's my problem with blogging, I never write it for just ME. I write it for who ever is going to read it, hoping to get a certain reaction.

but i'll continue for fun's sake

what if I broke my leg? It'd hurt a bit, but that'd be forgotten after it heals. I can deal with pain. Pain ain't so bad, unless it's a headache.. damn those are killers. And yet I've been off of tylenol and all otehr headache remedies for 2 years now.

For some reason, the idea of no pain medication seems so.. i ono.. cool like idealistic and all. I dunno, I have this iimage of what I want to be

I want to be the kinda girl who eats salad for the flavor, not because it keeps her thin. I want to be able to endure pain with out tears. bnut then for somereason I like that i can keep hurtful memories inside.. and let it out whenever i need to. I want to wear mostly brown, blue, cream and green. i don't want gold jewlery. Only pewter copper, and rock, but no gems (diamons and rubies.. unless in raw un polish state) I want to have sun-lightened brown hair, tied in a loose pony tail, or pigtals xD. i want to wear cream leather boots and a creamy leatehr coat. I want lots of beads around my writs. I want to have one old filthy bag i carry everywhere. I want to smile only when i feel like it, never because I want to make someone else happy.

I want to like in a one room studio apartment. With a futon. I want the place to be decorated in earthy tones, mostly lighter ones. i want rocks on a clear glass coffe table. I want plae green. I want potted papyrus and authentic reproductions of egyptian papyri. I want a digital camera full of pictures of sunsets, rainbows, eygptian artifacts, and interesting deformities in plants.

I want a notebook full of warning labels stolen from goverment buildings xD

I want a binder of magazine cutouts

I want a bead curtain made from soda can tabs.

I want a boyfriend.

I want a story to tell

i want a laptop instead of a desktop

I want a golden dog, a black cat (called bast) and a pharoah hound that's black (anubis)

I want a degree from berekely.

I want an overgrown, random garden.

I want a tent that's been used so much it's getting thread bare.

I was a world colored in green blue and cream.

I want so much.

ANd then again, it' so little compared to the jewels in other's sights. So how come I never think it's realistic?

I want to lay on my futon, books on egypt in front of me, pretending to work on them but really thinking about my stupid problems. I want to hear the doorbell. I want to go to the door and find someone who cares. I want to let them in and sit next to them. I want to start explaining to them I was doing my work, but for them to see throught me and ask what's wrong. I want to tell them without speaking a word, just a glance.

I want a yellow wedding dress

I want a village full of voodoo dolls of my friends

I want an eisel and a set of watercolors that cost too much. I want an album full of paintings. I want a certificate statingi know esperanto.

I want a ceramic blue hippo on my table. I want a 24" wide plasma tv on my wall.

I want curatins, not blindas.

I want to see your other ear.

I want to try cherry vanilla and caramel vanilla tea.

I want to hate asperagus, but love broccoli.

I want clear glass and creamy green porceline dishes.

I want to eat foods you can eat with a spoon.

I want a spoon thats too big.

I want a closet full of egyptian inspired white cotten dress skirts and loose tops. I want faded thin blue jeans, covered in mudd from my last excavation.

I want a hammock.

I want a kiki kitty plishie in real life.

I want a jacket where the sleeves are from my favorite pair of jeans.

I want high tech meets natural.

I want everything to be small and neat.

I want orange juice.

I want a cupboard full of couscous, ramen, yanyan, polvoron, nuts, garlic bradsticks, and everytype of italian pasta. I want a fridge without beer or anything alcoholic. I never want to drink, because I want to be able to say i never have. I don't want to wear makeup. I don't want to put pounds of lotion on every year. I want to a scar on the back of my hand (from that wound my brother gave me two days ago athat is getting infected)

I want to have almost died

I want to have enemies, debts, and a reputation.

I want a PSP

I want to never drink soda again, because i don't like the flavour.

I want to spell the European way.

I want to have a few published short stories and papers.

I want a ream of real vellum.

I want a close circle of frineds

I want to try shushi.

I want an old scratched up ring that i wear because of who gave it me.

I want to givemy friend my otehr red soda tab.

I want to sew my own white, tan, and green dress and wear it with jade and hemp jewlery

And this is the life I've planned out for myself. Any questions?

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=259303&postdays=0&postorder=asc&vote=viewresult

i'm getting more votes later. it's going in my siggy

HEHE

MAGICAL POLL LAND...in my pants

sooo, looking around on ebay, the one I want goes for around $98 after you add shipping.

Mom's paying 40, and she usually pays shipping, but even if I split it (to be nice) i only have to pay...oh god, I can't count.. uhm... 50!! yay! that's cheap! i'll still have 35 bucks left! yehey! and the best part, the ones on ebay come with one hi-md disc, which can store up to 45 hours! 45! that's everything I've ever listened to! yippee! so freakn happy ! I want.. NOW! DAMN!!!!!!!! haha. biggrin

OMG! Imma get a minidisk player! =O
So excited! I can get one for a round$70 dollars on ebay!!! blaugh gonk biggrin heart domokun blaugh stressed xd blaugh biggrin heart
Lookie->Minidisc player

I want that one! ^0^ so excited!
No more being bored after school!
(lolo, I looked like a college student on thurdays, I was sitting on the grass, my backpack and textbook beside me, drinkin a bottle of water. i even layed back for a lil bit. Lol One time, these two guys passed me and said "damn she's so f**kin sexy. She should be in one of those models books"
LOL I so know they were making fun of me... and i freakn hate them for it! ARGH! scream lol. but I ignored them. losers. xp
okay done now! xd (miniminiminiminiminidiscidiscidiscdiscdiscdiscdisc...*droooooll* me want)

Gaia ate my first entry. or.. maybe it was domokun.. o_0

lol
okay so this was gonna be a serious entry

Braiding my..long...hair saved it twice today! First, In spanish class, we played some dumb game where you tape a person's name on your back and you have to guess who it is by asking questions (pero en espa~nol) keywords in that :"tape to your back" IF I hadn't braieded my hair, it's be in the tape right now =] Secondly, In POE. We ran the mile. My hair is a little over a yard long. Now imagine me running.. for a mile.. without it braided! gonk It's not good.. at all. So yeah! I'm a lucky ducky today =3

I found a piccy on ebay of the bag i use around school. check it out:

Note the words "gas mask" HARHAR!! xd
also, USN is for "us navy"
AND this bag is cerca world war two. 1945. take that and stick it ..uhm.. somewhere sweatdrop


hmm, and while my photobucket is open.. (muahahaha 6 pages of pictuerific me!)

the snowman my bro, dad and I made in Michigan



My badge from my first and so far only anime con (they called me PANDA! =3)



me, my bro, and my mom in the main stacks of University of Berkely's library (We were looking up the BOOK OF THE DEAD!!!111!!!1!!one!!!!)



And finally, an animation I found in someone's siggy and stole b/c it's cute and ends in death



=3

uhm, SPORKS so totally Dr0oL..and plastic bags and straws rulez!!! n_n;;

Okay I'm nuts now. laterz!

LOL check out this link: CLICK

It's HILLARIOUS! I so totally apply to like, a dozen of those =]
HAR xd blaugh biggrin heart domokun whee heart

I'm happy/hyper today =]
okay. just hyper
happiness for me is fleeting
I'm happy, then i realize it, and I feel bad./guuilty for being happy. sweatdrop stupid, no? yeah It is. so xP
bleh i'm fdone here! haha so fast! yayness!