hello, yes i have been emoness. Here's where it all starts. Highschool. I can't stand another second of it. Highschool has been the worst experience i have ever had in my entire life. That and being close to bears. That too is evil. But we have to deal with school everyday where as you don't have to with bears. Frankly i'm quite sick of school. Everytime i think of it my stomach churns. seriously, i feel like i'm going to have a little upchuckle right now. Thought i should share that. So it leads me to right now and having been emo the past week or so. I've felt so... desperate. I mean god i have been crying for a few days or at least i was crying for afew days. One night mom dad and i were discussing how sick of school i was (i was crying) and dad pointed out that the reason why i was sleeping so much was because i was depressed. Mom looked at me and said "you're not depressed" I looked at her with teary eyes and i sobbed "mom, look at me... how am i not depressed?!?" and burst out into more tears. The next day i was so depressed it was hard to even force a smile. haha i was pretty much crying at school too, it was hard to hold back the tears... i was studying in the morning and kevin was sitting beside me. he didn't notice that i had tears in my eyes. unfortunately spencer did. He said hello to me and i guess when i looked up at him he saw my tears haha he jokingly blamed kevin for it though lol. but i love my friends sooo much. They helped me through the day. They really make me feel happy. Even when i'm really sad. And yes i know i am sounding like this is all about me but i'm sure my friends are starting to get annoyed with school too. I will always be there for them though. Haha i kind of worry about the younger ones because they still act like children and they don't know what the teenage life is like yet. Kevin for example haha he still eats his spagetti like a little boy ^.^ it's so adorable i just want to hug him haha i wish he were my little brother lol although he seems to be getting a hang of the flirting thing lol (it's not hard to spot when you see him around other girls ;D) then there is spencer, sure he fits into highschool really well but he still acts like he's in 7th grade. David... well David is the awesome and doesn't seem to take highschool to heart. Which is a good thing. haha he's cool. I didn't start getting real highschool problems until this year and it doesn't help when you're graduating and have loads of work to do. Honestly. Sometimes i don't even speak because all the stress and everything that has built up inside me makes me really sad during the day so if i even try to speak all that will come from me would be tears and sobs. Sometimes the sadness is too much to handle so i lock myself up in the bathrom and cry for about an hour or two. It doesn't help that bathrooms have giant mirrors though. I can't stand to see myself when i'm sad let alone just plain normal. It's like when i'm sad and i look into the mirror all i see staring back at me is a monster. It makes me cry even more. Sometimes i just want to smash that mirror until i can see myself no more. I find i'm slipping into the apathetic stage of depression. The stage where you don't want to do anything anymore. I want to be alone. I actually feel bad cuz i know my friends want to hang out and liz is always making plans to be with me even on days i plan to purposely take off just to get away. But the truth is... on those days i just want to... be alone. I don't want to tell her though. I know she enjoys company. But i'm finding that i don't even know myself anymore. I can hardly remember who Channy really is. I'm sure this is all just a phase, but it's a tormenting one sad Sometimes i can't handle the desperation and my heart start to beat faster and faster and i start to hyperventilate. well in any case, school will be over soon. I guess i'll end this journal. bubye emo
Itchy Gonzalles Community Member 
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