"You'll sail alone forever if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now, I'm ready, holding on tight; don't give away the end."
-Jimmy Eat World, 23
Ok, sooo....I figured something out today. I mean, not like it wasn't totally obvious cos I knew it before too, but it just didn't really hit me until now.
I know why I want to leave here so bad. I want to leave, because if I stay I'm going to be stuck as second-best, which, actually, is fine with me right now. It's just I don't want it to be like that for much longer, you know?
I mean, if you know me, I don't like competition, and I don't like winning. I think it's the worst thing in the world to win a competition cos now you get to know you were the one who crushed the people who worked hard too, and now they get to go home feeling terrible.
I'm okay with it cos I like to lose. I deal better with it, cos I haven't hurt entire families. I've just hurt my own.
But...see, that's where it gets off track.
My family doesn't know anything about me anymore, and I keep it like that for a reason. I fail because I'm not meant to be the top-dog, and I like it that way. I know I've got better things to do than focus on winning and being top-dog.
Soooo, really I'm not hurting my family. I mean, I AM, cos I don't tell them anything, but they're not assuming that I fail on purpose, see?
So that's why I've got to leave.
I want to be something better but it can't happen here when I'm second-best and it doesn't matter because no matter what I do, that will never change. That's okay, cos I understand. I'm not the one having the new experiences. I experience everything after my sister, and that's all good cos she needs it.
All this year, I've done everything on my own and I'm proud of myself or I feel bad cosa myself. It's nobody's business whether I do good or not besides myself.
This is also why I prolly can't picture my life past 18^^;;; I honestly can't see it...
Which is terrible, cos that combines the two things I'm afraid of pretty much^^
:The dark (not when I'm inside, but when I'm out there, it feels like, too vast)
:The future (yep, I'm gonna cry when I get too old and can't shop in the junior section, haha...no, I won't, I'm not that shallow^^ I'll feel old tho)
I dunno tho.
I figure, give it all some lassitude and maybe things will change and my move won't be such a need anymore. Well, I hope that doesn't happen tho, lol, cos I really wanna go back to Cayucos.
♥
JiMMi
jimenarocker Community Member 
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