I've done such a terrible thing.
I've killed my fathers heart.
I dont know what to do.
My Father is very sick, and in much pain.
He is confined to a single chair in the house at the moment, and every step - even going to the bathroom - is agony for him.
I have been playing the good daughter, if not housemaid.
"K, i'm hungry can I have some food? K the TV is too Loud... K, the Tv is too quiet... wheres the remote? K, can you turn on the fan i'm a bit warm... k can you turn the fan off and get me a jumper? or a blanket? i'm cold now.... etc etc."
I have done everything he has asked, I am mentally, as well as becoming physically exhausted, by playing the help on top of my studies and work.
All i asked in return was 3 hours a day, at LEAST on the computer, with the freedom to go to any website i choose, and to download music and anime images (provided i burn them to a disk and then wipe them from the computer). Father agreed as long as i continue to scan everything i download, and scan the computer when I log on, and when I log off.
I hid nothing from him. I even told him when i discovered I no longer needed access to his log on to get online. I could have kept that secret. But I didnt.
... but Papa lost it at me again, yelling, screaming, we went completely nuts, and told me I was not to use his computer anymore.
I dont have many Joys in my life.
With little to no friends in this so called Real Life, and a very bleak job, my only outlets are Anime, and the Internet.
They are everything to me... as pathetic as that is. (-_-) but its the truth, and I wont run from it... sometimes i think the only reason I havent gotten myself an ID or Drivers Licence in the past 2 years I have been legally elligable, is because i'll commit suicide in a car, or attach myself to a liquor bottle. Anime i suppose is the safe addiction. and instead of being a depressent, I am genuinely happy when I see it. The character the colours, the cinematography... I get lost inside the world of anime... and I couldnt be happier.
So when these few joys I possess are looked down upon as addictions, or are threatened to be taken away from me... I lose it... I despair and i become either very violent, or very depressed.
This morning... it was violent.
I trully lost it, and ran out to catch the tram to work... while I was on there, I sent him a short sms.
"I hate you so much right now"
that was it.
And those words have killed his heart.
He looks at me like a stranger now. Or like a creature that could devour his very soul. He is pained just by looking at me... and I'm crying.
My Father is the only person I've ever trully been close to, as far as family goes.
My mother and I get along, but... she doesnt know me... and she doesnt try. My sister... we havent gotten along for nearly 8 years now... andi've lost all contact with my brothers.
My Father was all that was left as my link to this family... and now... I dont even know if i have him cry
I'm terrified. And ashamed of myself.
But I wont lie. At that time. The time i wrote that message. I did hate him.
I hated him for threatening to take away my only happiness.
I hated him for saying that he understood me, and then turning around and hurting me again with his lies and threats...
I hated him for the empty promises and because... he wouldnt even try to understand me.
They say "You cant put an old head on young shoulders"... and its true. People tell me i'm beyond my years, wiser then most 19 year olds... and in some ways i suppose its true... but in many ways, i'm still just a naive child... alone and scared to face reality.
But shouldnt an adult be able to understand youth? if they have already been there, why cant they remember? why cant they remember these feelings of fear, despair and utter isolation...
If he trully understood me, why would he threaten to take away the only things in my life that made me happy?
I dont understand... and now... after saying - no - writing the things i did... i have killed his heart... and i dont know, if it can mend...
Kami Sama... what have I done?
Raven Skaari Community Member 
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Community Member
Do not forget, i WILL be going there next janurary/feburary. And i so want to see you, see my twin.
There is only so much any one person can take, any human can take. You had reached your limit, but that does not mean you are a bad or evil person, it just means you had reached your limit. I'm sure in most people's cases, tehy would of broke before that. And i'm sure many people have said that to their parents. sad Just hang in there, and try to work towards learning and savign up for beign on your own, as scary as that is. We are are supporting you, even though we might not be able to see each ohter. You will survive, i know you can. And maybe this will eventually lead to a little better understanding between you and your father. No one can be a "perfect daughter". So don't even try, 'cause it'll only break you in the end, even worse than now. I don't know exactly how, but i would just somehow calmly talk to your father and say that you can't fully handle all the responsibility of caring for him all the time, that you have to have your own life too, and maybe you all should look into alternatives to help in this situation. sweatdrop
-hugs again- i'll be praying for you all and i hope things work out alright, and you better hang in there until i get there at least! and don't forget the GHP... we WILL be making it work, even more now, so there is a place for you with friends.